M. Night Shyamalan is the DEVIL!

Seriously, I think that is the big secret behind DEVIL, the latest piece of trash “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan.”  The movie is about a group of strangers who get stuck in elevator. Seems harmless at first... then strange things start happening... then people start dying.  Could one of the prisoners be a murderer? Or is this the work of the devil himself?

Well, we know it’s the devil because the voiceover at the beginning of the movie pretty much tells us so.  It explains that sometimes, the devil likes to walk among us and take human form and wreak havoc on our bodies and poison our minds before ultimately claiming our souls. So that settles that.

The question is, which one of these seemingly-normal people is the devil in human’s clothing? Is it the burly security guard? The douchebag mattress salesman? The sassy hottie? The annoying old lady? The mysterious scruffy dude? Having seen the movie, I know the answer... or, rather, what M. Night wants us to believe is the answer.  Because the real answer is that M. Night Shyamalan is the devil himself... and with each film that he unleashes upon the world, he will continue to wreak havoc on our bodies and poison our minds, just like the parable says. And someday soon, he will claim our souls.

Here’s some proof:  While this movie was based on an idea by Shyamalan, the screenplay was actually written by a guy named Brian Nelson, who also wrote the screenplay for HARD CANDY, an excellent, taut, well-written thriller that introduced us to Ellen Page several years ago. But DEVIL is... so... damn... bad.  It’s really astonishing.  Remember how bad the dialogue was in THE HAPPENING?  It’s that bad.  I now see that it wasn’t Mark Wahlberg’s or Zooey Deschanel’s fault that they sucked so much in that movie -- the devil made them do it.  Similarly, M. Night must have gotten into Nelson’s head and forced him to write this demonic drivel. Ridiculous characters abound and plot twists come and go that make absolutely no sense... or even worse, they do make sense but are completely fucking stupid.

If I’m right and M. Night Shyamalan is indeed the devil (further proof: ALL HIS MOVIES TAKE PLACE IN PHILLY!), I am not sure that he can be stopped.  He is going to continue to torment us with these movies, whether he writes & directs them himself or passes them along to another tortured soul as part of his godless “Night Chronicles.”  All we can do is be ready when he strikes....