June Movie Hijinks

Well, the summer of 2010 is chugging right along and I have been seeing movies at a record-setting pace. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a whole lot worth writing about, as this has been one of the most underwhelming summer movie crops that I can remember (with a few exceptions, most notably TOY STORY 3, which I fully intend to write about as soon as I can get my emotions under control). There have also been lots of fun distractions, lazy vacations, an exciting Mets team, the World Cup and etc. But that’s no excuse, dammit, so let’s pick up where we left off at the end of May and see what there is to see...

SPLICE -- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the sci-fi camp classic of the year! This bat-shit insane cautionary tale about genetic engineering gone wrong is, in itself, the mutant love child of a variety of films ranging from FRANKENSTEIN to THE FLY to JURASSIC PARK to SPECIES. It wears its influences on its sleeve but never feels like a rip-off thanks to some fine acting, great effects, intense visuals, crazy twists, and a heavy dose of awesome ridiculousness. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are perfect as Clive and Elsa, hotshot scientists who defy legal and ethical boundaries by splicing together human and animal DNA to create a new organism. The female creature, which they name "Dren" ("Nerd" backwards, get it?) rapidly develops from a deformed (and strangely cute) infant to a full-grown (and strangely sexy) adult. Over time, ever-curious Dren bonds with both of her creators -- in a daughterly way with Elsa and, um, something else with Clive -- and needless to say, dangerous hijinks ensue. It’s one of those movies that gets more and more insane as it goes on… slowly at first and finally exploding into a veritable cacophony of insanity in the final act. Easily one of the best slices of sci-fi horror in recent memory and one that will stick with me for a long time. Dren rules! (SIDE NOTE: I actually won a contest on Twitter that awarded me a SPLICE prize pack, which included a stuffed Baby Dren doll! Hilarious, yes… but a life-size adult Dren would’ve been even better....)

THE COMPLETE METROPOLIS -- I managed to catch a screening of this, the grandfather of all sci-fi epics, on the last day of its limited run at the Film Forum, and I'm glad I did, as it was an incredible movie watching experience. Arguably the most famous and influential product of the silent era, it's one of those classic films that you know without even knowing that you know it, thanks to its iconic visuals and far-reaching influence (STAR WARS, BLADE RUNNER, THE MATRIX… the list goes on). The restoration was unbelievable -- it was hard to believe that I was watching an 80-year-old movie, it looked so good. I believe it will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray later this year, and I strongly urge everyone to watch it at that time!

THE A-TEAM -- I never really watched THE A-TEAM back in the day, so I can't really tell you how well this works as an adaptation... but I CAN tell you that it definitely works as a big, loud, mindless summer popcorn flick. The action is fast & furious, the explosions are plentiful and the cast is impeccable. Liam Neeson is epically badass as the cigar chomping Hannibal, DISTRICT 9's Sharlto Copley proves that he isn't a one-hit wonder as the crazed Murdock, and Bradley Cooper gets the job done as the smooth-talking Face. The weakest link, sorry to say, is “Rampage” Jackson as B.A. Baracus -- honestly, if they were going to make him a poor imitation of Mr. T, they should've just gotten Mr. T and used some de-aging technology. It's okay, though. This is like the TRANSFORMERS of 2010... only not nearly as close to my heart... and ultimately forgettable... but lots of fun in the moment.

SHREK FOREVER AFTER -- At first, I wasn't going to see this fourth and (please, God) final installment of the SHREK saga because I knew there was no way in hell it would be good. But then I figured, what the hell, why stop now. So I saw it... and it did indeed suck... and now we can close the book on this whole overblown, overrated saga. It's such a sad testament to society that these completely forgettable movies have made SO MUCH money over the years (SHREK 2 is actually the 5th-highest grossing movie of ALL TIME on the unadjusted list, which just boggles the mind), but what can ya do. I’ll actually give them a little credit for trying to mix things up a bit with the whole IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE/"What if Shrek had never been born" plot twist... but still... this is a stinker. Extremely weak use of 3-D, too. The film's only real saving grace is that fat Puss-in-Boots looks exactly like my late cat Peaches. (See?) R.I.P., Peaches... and good riddance, Shrek!

JONAH HEX -- I guess for every comic book adaptation as awesome as IRON MAN, there's gotta be one as terrible as this woefully misguided piece of trash. I'd actually go as far as to say that this may be one of the absolute WORST comic book movies to date, delving dangerously close to BATMAN & ROBIN territory. It’s a complete mess from top to bottom -- senseless plot, horrendous dialogue and bad acting across the board. I'll tip my cap to Josh Brolin, who tries his damnedest to make the best of a bad situation, whereas John Malkovich just phones it in (not that I can blame him). It could also mark the end of Megan Fox's already-tenuous career -- she is really, really bad, to the point where even her ample, constantly-glistening cleavage can't distract you from how bad she is. It's a true debacle of a film with half-baked plot points that serve little purpose -- so, Jonah can talk to the dead... big f'ing deal! Plus, his deformities are more distracting than anything else, too -- he could’ve looked like a regular guy and it’d be no different. Stuff like that. Make no mistake, my friends: JONAH HEX currently resides at the very bottom of my list of 2010 movies -- if there's a worse movie still to come, I hope I manage to avoid it!

CYRUS -- I discovered Jay & Mark Duplass and their “mumblecore” cohorts (including the lovely & talented Greta Gerwig) about a year and a half ago and was quite taken with their low-budget, off-the-cuff takes on interpersonal relationships in films like THE PUFFY CHAIR, BAGHEAD, HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS and HUMPDAY. Their latest film takes that laid-back style, fuses it with a bigger budget and big-name stars, and turns it into something even better. Fantastic film about a sad sack (John C. Reilly) who finally finds love (Marisa Tomei), only to be cock-blocked at every turn by her needy, troubled 21-year-old son (Jonah Hill). Everyone here is at the top of their games. Reilly can do no wrong, Hill gives his most nuanced performance, and Tomei continues this remarkable rebirth to her career and brings out the George Costanza in me once again. It’s an interesting mix of wackiness, dark comedy and grown-up drama, anchored by incredible performances and the Duplasses’ offbeat sensibilities. I very much look forward to seeing how their careers progress from here!

KNIGHT & DAY -- I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like Tom Cruise. I'm a Tom Cruise fan. I think Tom Cruise is a much better actor than he will ever be given credit for, despite the fact that he has been nominated for three Oscars and has been involved in some of the most beloved movies of the past 30 years. Trouble is, of course, he's a damn lunatic in real life, and Scientology is ridiculous, and granted, he hasn't made a great movie in several years (his mind-blowing cameo in TROPIC THUNDER notwithstanding). He needed to do something to remind people of his acting abilities, and KNIGHT & DAY looked promising on the surface -- a light-hearted spy flick satire in which Cruise could sort of riff on his lunatic persona, banter with Cameron Diaz and have some fun, right? Indeed, the movie gets off to a rollicking fun start with a great airplane action sequence. But then... inexplicably, it makes a crucial mistake and starts to take itself SERIOUSLY and becomes a SERIOUS spy thriller and the whole thing falls apart. If it had stayed true to the satire and not become just another Bond rip-off, Cruise might have had a hit on his hands -- instead, it's going to be a flop and the criticism will keep on coming. Ah well... here's hoping the Les Grossman "biopic" fares better!

GROWN UPS -- Fifteen years ago, a movie starring Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider and Chris Farley would have been the greatest movie of all time. Unfortunately, in those fifteen years, Chris Farley died (sadness), Adam Sandler's films have pretty much gotten progressively worse since the awesome trifecta of BILLY MADISON, HAPPY GILMORE and THE WEDDING SINGER (exception: PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, which was more of a Paul Thomas Anderson film than an Adam Sandler film), and the other guys... well, they've just sort of continued to exist in spite of themselves. Now, reuniting to make this movie in 2010, with Kevin James replacing Chris Farley... it's more sad and depressing than anything else. The movie is a gigantic yawn -- pointless, unoriginal and containing no more than three real laughs. Sure, Salma Hayek's cleavage is always a welcome sight... but this is just a travesty of a film, and I really need to seek out some SNL from the early to mid-'90s, when I worshipped the ground that these guys walked on, as a way of purging it from my mind.

Thus ends June. What will July bring (besides my birthday, that is)? We shall see! At the very least, I fully expect Christopher Nolan’s INCEPTION to be awesome... and I’ll probably see TOY STORY 3 a couple more times!

Nyah, Nyah, I Saw TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE Before You Did!

That’s right, Twilight freaks, while you were all at home bouncing off the walls with excitement -- or perhaps waiting in line for the midnight show at the very same theatre -- I was sitting in front of the giant IMAX screen at Loews Lincoln Square watching a free advance screening of ECLIPSE, the third installment in the Twilight Saga.

SQUEEEEEE!

Um, no. But I will say this right off the bat: ECLIPSE is by far the best Twilight film yet. Granted, that's like saying the crap I took today is better than the crap I took the previous two days. (The only difference is that I tend to feel better about myself after taking a crap.) But seriously, the movie IS an improvement over the mind-bogglingly dismal TWILIGHT and NEW MOON. It’s still very, very bad, with horrendous acting, dialogue and plot developments across the board -- but it does have more going for it. For one thing, MORE STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS. I was pleasantly surprised by the addition of some actual CHARACTER DEPTH, particularly amongst the supporting cast). And best of all, there was MORE ACTION, something that was sorely missing from the first two movies, including (this is probably not a SPOILER for most people, but just in case, I will hide this next section -- highlight the invisible text to read) a pretty badass and surprisingly intense climactic battle where we FINALLY get to see vampires and werewolves go at each other in a no-holds-barred, bone-crunching, limb-ripping street fight! Easily the best sequence of the series so far.

As for everyone’s favorite love triangle… well, it’s still happening and lamer than ever. This time, though, the movie is ripe with sexual tension, which the teenyboppers in the audience ate up like candy, and which made me laugh out loud more than a few times. (Dear lord in heaven, just wait for the Tent Scene… HAHAHA! Also, Star Wars fans, you know how we all hated Anakin and Padme romping in the field in ATTACK OF THE CLONES? Well, that looks like the classic beach scene in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY next to Edward & Bella sitting in their field of flowers!) Still plenty of brooding and pining and whining from all sides. Kristen Stewart still sucks the life out of every scene she is in. Robert Pattinson stills sparkles and sleepwalks his way through the proceedings -- has there ever been a more boring heartthrob? As for Taylor Lautner… well, he still sucks, too. He’s got the personality and acting range of a department store mannequin… but with abs to match, which, I suppose, is all he needs as far as most girls (and gay porn fans) are concerned. However, as a character, I think Jacob is the most interesting. He’s got the more relatable angst, the better one-liners and, frankly, the better superpower (I mean, yeah, the Twilight werewolves are ridiculous and an insult to werewolves throughout history… but they’re a heck of a lot better than f’ing sparkly vampires). Makes you wonder how these movies might have been if they’d actually gotten a good actor to portray this depth (and, y’know, if the whole thing wasn’t completely ridiculous).

In the end, if you're a Twilight fan, you will probably love this movie, because it has everything you could possibly want in a Twilight movie -- and as a geek myself (a geek who unconditionally loved the STAR WARS prequels, I might add), I cannot begrudge you that excitement. Enjoy, Twi-hards! And to the rest of us: Don’t worry, two more movies and it’ll all be over!

Also, only five months till HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, whose new trailer buries Twilight in every way possible in two and a half minutes of unbridled awesomeness:

May Movie Madness

Wouldn't you know it, the entire month of May has come and gone and I haven't written a single word about the movies I've seen. At least, not here in the ol’ blog. If you follow my adventures on Twitter, chances are you've seen my 140-character critiques in real-time. If not... well... you should, because even when I slack here, I'm on top of things there:

www.twitter.com/benlikesmovies

Now, let's take a quick look at the wealth of films I've seen to kick off the summer of 2010....

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET -- Technically I saw this movie on April 30th, but, um, whatever. I wanted to write more about this debacle at the time, but I couldn't boil down my rage into a coherent paragraph. Suffice to say, it is a travesty that never should have happened. There's seriously no reason for it to exist. I mean, as bad as Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN remakes are (and they are very bad indeed), at least he tried to do something different. This new NIGHTMARE is basically just a cheap rehash, completely stripped of the mystique and social commentary that made the original such a classic. It even uses the exact same imagery, but instead of being, y’know, scary, now it’s like, “Oh, here’s the scene where the knived hand appears in the bathtub, and here’s the scene where Freddy's form presses through the wall.” I will tip my cap to Jackie Earle Haley, who actually makes a decent Freddy, but he's no Robert Englund, and he had absolutely nothing to work with. Utterly pointless and worthless trash that needs to be swept under the rug and forgotten as quickly as possible.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) –- I don’t want to say TOO much about this movie for a couple of reasons. First, the less you know, the better and more mind-boggling your viewing experience will be. And second, I don’t want to be responsible for you losing your lunch all over your keyboard. By far one of the craziest and flat-out GROSSEST movies ever made, it is all at once intense, harrowing, completely twisted and utterly ridiculous, featuring an unbelievable performance by the awesomely-named Dieter Laser, who helps raise the age-old question, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH GERMAN PEOPLE?!” An absolute must-see for anyone who prides themselves on being able to endure the most disturbing horror films. This movie was so freaking insane that it spurred me on a Netflix quest to watch the craziest, most disgusting and/or fucked up movies I can find -- so far, I’ve watched such films as I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, AUDITION and CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, and perhaps the best thing I can say about THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is that it most certainly belongs in those ranks. Time will tell if we will ever see future “sequences,” as per the title’s implication -- I shudder at the very thought, but God help me, I know I won’t be able to turn away. (Oh, and also, after you see the movie, be sure to play the video game! http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/537029)

THE SQUARE -- Fantastic slice of noir from Australia about the dangers of temptation and how the wrong decisions can lead to a downward spiral of devastation. Ray is married to Martha, but is having an affair with Carla, who is married to Greg, who has a big bag of dirty money hidden in their house. Carla decides to steal the money and burn down the house so she & Ray can run off together. Ray agrees, and naturally, things do not go according to plan. It's very dark and wildly entertaining, with lots of twists and turns and great performances. It's written, directed by and starring the Edgerton brothers (one of whom, bizarrely, plays young Uncle Owen in the STAR WARS prequels) -- when they are household names in a few years, remember that you read about them here first! (Also, when I saw the movie, it was preceded by SPIDER, a jaw-dropping short film that I highly recommend watching online here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgYykXgwl20)

IRON MAN 2 -- The first IRON MAN was one of the great comic book adaptations of all time, as Robert Downey, Jr. proved that he is, in fact, the man and Jon Favreau proved that he had his finger directly on the pulse of geekdom. All signs pointed to a kick-ass sequel... and kick ass, it most certainly does. I still think the original is the better movie, but #2 is a worthy sequel -- bigger, louder, crazier and fully loaded. Downey, Jr. is still the man, Mickey Rourke is an awesome villain, Don Cheadle fills in nicely and of course, my girl Scarlett is smoking hot as the tight-leather-clad Black Widow. Even Gwyneth has done her best work in years in these movies. I am certain that THE AVENGERS is going to kick serious ass in a couple of years (stay after the credits for another clue along those lines)... but I’d love to see a third IRON MAN to complete the trilogy, too!

PLEASE GIVE -- This is one of those indie movies about jaded, unlikeable people (in this case, rich New Yorkers) who do unlikeable things (such as buying vintage furniture from dead people’s families on the cheap and then reselling it for a lot of money), and who go through a series of unlikeable events (affairs, family strife, stalking, etc.) and are maybe slightly less jaded at the end. That being said, it’s a fine film that is loaded with superb performances. Catherine Keener may be the single most typecast actress in history, but she plays that role so well that it hardly matters -- she’s good. Also, while I thought Rebecca Hall was great in VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA, my crush on her has now really taken hold -- she is truly outstanding, and I will be following her career with great interest from now on....

ROBIN HOOD -- Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe join forces once again to bring us yet another retelling of the classic tale, though this time, it’s more of a prequel that tells us how Robin of Locksley came to be known as Robin Hood. Unfortunately, that twist, and Scott’s big idea to intertwine the legend with historical fact, wasn’t enough to make this movie even remotely interesting. The runtime is over two and a half hours, but it feels more like six -- it’s unfathomably boring and all the actors seem like they’re just going through the motions. Even the great Cate Blanchett as Maid Marion can’t breathe any life into the proceedings. It also doesn’t help that everyone feels way too old for these roles. I’m also getting tired of seeing a Tolkien-esque epic battle at the end of every movie these days -- first ALICE IN WONDERLAND and now this! C’mon. Sorry, Ridley & Russell, but this time, I was most definitely NOT entertained.

BABIES – The epic tale of four seemingly-normal infants who live and grow and ultimately come together to fulfill their destines and fight the forces of evil! Um, no... that’s not it. It’s a documentary that traces the lives of four unremarkable human babies, from four very different cultures, from birth to their first steps, and ZOMG is it super-cute! Really... that’s all it is. No educational voiceovers, no facts and figures… just ninety minutes of pure, unadulterated baby cuteness. Although, I did pick up on some anti-American sentiment, which was mildly annoying. I mean, really, if you’re gonna make a movie about cute babies, just make a movie about cute babies and leave the commentary out of it!

GET HIM TO THE GREEK -- Hey, remember the Judd Apatow film FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, which introduced us to the crazy, womanizing, boozing, British rock star Aldous Snow? Well, someone got the idea to make an entire movie about his character and, I guess it was a good idea because the result is some pretty funny stuff. It’s probably about equal to FSM in terms of overall laughs (though, there is no single moment that is as good as Dracula: The Musical). Basically, if you like Russell Brand and Jonah Hill, you’ll probably get a kick out of it. P. Diddy also gives a surprisingly funny performance, and I really liked cutie Elisabeth Moss as Jonah’s girlfriend. (Speaking of Jonah Hill, um, it may be time for him to start following the Seth Rogen weight loss plan. Goddamn, he got huge!)

SOLITARY MAN -- I’ve long been a Michael Douglas fan, but he hadn’t done much of anything in recent years... until now. This is a brilliant character study of a complete asshole. A former renowned car salesman who, after getting a scare from his doctor, decides to throw caution to the wind and embarks on a journey of infidelity and crooked business practices that leave his life in shambles. The film shows us what happens when he hits rock bottom, unable to stop his philandering, alienated from his family (which includes Susan Sarandon as his ex-wife and Pam Beasley herself, Jenna Fischer as his fed-up daughter), and forced to reevaluate his life. Tremendous film loaded with solid performances (including Jesse Eisenberg, again doing the Michael Cera thing better than Michael Cera, and the captivating Imogen Poots -- not to be confused with my friend Poot -- in a pivotal role). Definitely worth seeing as we await the return of Michael Douglas’s most memorable asshole character in the upcoming WALL STREET sequel! (Incidentally, this movie really reminded me of a movie from a few years ago called ROGER DODGER, which dealt with some similar themes -- would probably make a great double-feature -- even the posters are similar!)

MICMACS -- The first movie in five years from the great Jean-Pierre Jeunet, director of AMELIE (my #1 movie of the ‘00s, for those keeping track). The wackiest, most colorful and fun commentary against weapons manufacturing that I’m pretty sure I’ve ever seen, it’s about a guy named Bazil who gets shot in the head by a stray bullet, and whose father (we learn in a flashback) was killed by a landmine -- both of which were built by the same manufacturer. Alive but now homeless, Bazil befriends a ragtag group of misfits who help him exact revenge on the evil ones responsible for his plight. Featuring Jeunet’s trademark whimsy and starring some of his usual players (including the awesome Dominique Pinon), it feels like it could totally occur in the same Paris as that of Amelie Poulain, the very thought of which fills me with glee.

Thus ends the month of May. What will June bring? Well, we know that TOY STORY 3 is going to rule. Beyond that... we shall see!

Ben's Super Happy Fun 2010 Summer Movie Preview

Holy crap in a pita, the summer movie season is almost here! In fact, it begins tomorrow, so this preview is just in time. Kind of a mixed bag of releases between now and the end of August... but there's still plenty of stuff to see, so I am excited. Shall we take a look at some of the highlights (and lowlights)? Yes, we shall.

IRON MAN 2 (May 7) -- Oh hell yes. The first one was one of the best comic book movies of all time, and this sequel looks even better. Robert Downey Jr. is the man, and now we've got Mickey Rourke as a crazy Russian super villain and Scarlett Johansson in a leather body suit thrown into the mix. I've already got my ticket for the IMAX experience tomorrow night!

BABIES (May 7) -- Zombie babies? Ninja babies? Muppet babies? No... just regular ol' human babies. Damn. Seriously, though, if you've been at the movies in recent weeks, and you've heard lots of squealing and "awww-ing" coming from adjacent theatres, it's likely that they just showed this trailer -- that's how goddamn cute it is. Can't wait for the sequel... KITTIES! Followed by the epic conclusion... PUPPIES! (And then, after a few years, a desperate, ill-advised fourth installment... SLUGS!)

THE COMPLETE METROPOLIS (May 7) -- Fully restored version of the landmark silent film, with 25 minutes of supposedly-lost footage that hasn't been seen since the film made its debut in 1927. Fritz Lang's classic directly influenced sci-fi as we know it, from STAR WARS to BLADE RUNNER to THE MATRIX, and I, for one, am looking forward to furthering my education.

BEST WORST MOVIE (May 14) -- A documentary about the huge cult following behind the movie that is widely believed to be the worst of all time: TROLL 2. Granted, Tommy Wiseau and his legions of fans may have something to say about that... but still, if you've never seen TROLL 2, you are missing out, because it is truly awful and hilarious and awesome. (Though personally, I prefer the original TROLL, which holds a special place in my heart to this day.)

ROBIN HOOD (May 14) -- Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott join forces once again to bring us another take on the Robin Hood tale, which also stars Cate Blanchett as Maid Marion. Not sure the world was necessarily clamoring for another Robin Hood story, but hey, I'm all for it!

MACGRUBER (May 21) -- I saw this movie last week at a screening, and it is pretty damn funny -- actually one of the better SNL adaptations. If you like the skit, and you like stupid funny crap, you will like this. MACGRUBERRRR!

SHREK FOREVER AFTER (May 21) -- They say that this will be the last Shrek film ever, beyond the shadow of a doubt. But after it inevitably (and inexplicably) makes another mint at the box office, will Dreamworks change their tune and beat this dead horse even more? God, let's hope not.

HOLY ROLLERS (May 21) -- I believe this movie stars Jesse Eisenberg (aka the poor man's Michael Cera) as a Hasidic Jew who gets caught up in a drug cartel. Undoubtedly, hijinks ensue!

SEX AND THE CITY 2 (May 27) -- I am not a Sex and the City fan by any means, but I have seen more of it in recent months than I ever thought I would, thanks to my girlfriend who often watches it in bed while drifting off to sleep. Oy. I will not see this movie, but still, here's hoping horse-face Carrie chooses good-guy Aidan over jackass Mr. Big once and for all! (Now if you'll excuse me, I must go find my missing testicles....)

PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME (May 28) -- I have never played this video game, so I have zero attachment to the source material, and the trailer looks like a lot of flash and little substance. Maybe I'll see it if I find myself jonesing for some mindless in-the-moment entertainment.

GET HIM TO THE GREEK (June 4) -- A psuedo-sequel to FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, in the sense that Russell Brand's Aldous Snow is the main character. Jonah Hill also stars, though, confusingly, he is apparently NOT playing the same Aldous Snow-obsessed geek from FSM. Should be funny nonetheless!

MARMADUKE (June 4) -- The horror... the horror.....

SPLICE (June 4) -- Looks like this will be a good year for movies about freaks of nature. First, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, one of the most f'd-up movies I've ever seen... and now this one, starring Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley as rogue scientists who create... well, something nasty. Trailer sets a freaky tone, so we'll see what happens.

THE A-TEAM (June 11) -- I was never a big A-Team fan back in the day, but I appreciate its status in the pop culture pantheon. This movie remake does look pretty badass, thanks in no small part to Liam Neeson as the cigar-chomping Hannibal. Between this, messing around with uber-hot Amanda Seyfried in CHLOE, and chewing the scenery as Zeus in CLASH OF THE TITANS, Neeson has been nailing the awesome roles lately!

THE KARATE KID (June 11) -- Fuck this movie and everyone involved with it up the ass with an oversized pineapple. I'm a HUGE fan of the original KARATE KID (1 & 2, though even #3 has its charm), and this remake's very existence is, simply put, an abomination. Sorry, but Jackie Chan can't hold Pat Morita's chopsticks. In the long, sad history of unnecessary remakes, this may be the worst of them all.

TOY STORY 3 (June 18) -- Without a doubt, the most anticipated movie of the summer. Seriously, the mere thought of seeing a new TOY STORY film in a month and a half fills me with unending joy. I have no doubt that this movie will be just as brilliant as the first two, if not more so, and Pixar's unparalleled reign of excellence will continue to infinity... and beyond!

JONAH HEX (June 18) -- Yet another adaptation of a comic book that I know absolutely nothing about. But the trailer looks pretty cool -- freaky deformed Josh Brolin, smoking hot Megan Fox, bat-shit crazy John Malkovich -- works for me!

GROWN UPS (June 25) -- Adam Sandler. David Spade. Chris Rock. Rob Schneider. Uhhhh, Kevin James?? Sigh... if this movie had been made in 1997, it might have been the greatest movie ever... but now, it just makes me sad. God, I miss Chris Farley!

KNIGHT AND DAY (June 25) -- Listen, even though Tom Cruise is a fudgepacker who has Sea-Man on his back, he can still make a kick-ass movie when he wants to, and this one, starring Cruise in classic action/comedy mode as a secret agent who gets mixed up with a regular gal played by Cameron Diaz, looks like pretty solid summer entertainment!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (June 30) -- ZOMG! Will Bella finally hook up with Jacob or will her love for Edward conquer all?? Riiiight... I will not see this trash on the big screen, but I do look forward to watching it on Blu-Ray in a few months and having a good laugh!

THE LAST AIRBENDER (July 2) -- M. Night Shyamalan is back following the biggest disaster of his broken career. I have little faith that he will rediscover his past magic, even though for once, he's tackling pre-existing material instead of coming up with his own bullshit. But who knows. (Also, I hear the big twist at the end is that the characters are all, in fact, big blue aliens... cuz, y'know, the title of the TV show was AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER... ah, forget it.)

CYRUS (July 9) -- Apparently 2010 is the year that "mumblecore" goes mainstream: First, Greta Gerwig hits the big-time with GREENBERG, and now, the Duplass brothers (THE PUFFY CHAIR and BAGHEAD) give us this dark comedy starring John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei and Jonah Hill in a twisted love triangle. Good stuff.

DESPICABLE ME (July 9) -- Steve Carell provides the voice of Gru, an oft-thwarted supervillain, in this animated comedy. The trailers are pretty amusing and appear to feature wacky, Looney Tunes-esque humor and cruelty to children. That's a can't-miss recipe!

PREDATORS (July 9) -- Hopefully this movie will bring some normalcy back to the Predator universe... and by that I mean, I hope it doesn't suck as much as the ALIEN vs. PREDATOR debacles. It's produced by Robert Rodriguez and stars Adrien Brody, Topher Grace and Laurence Fishburne, so that's a pretty good start!

INCEPTION (July 16) -- The latest from Christopher Nolan, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page, dealing with some kind of venture into people's dreams... it sounds crazy and trippy and awesome, which is to be expected from the guy who brought us MEMENTO, now that he has all that DARK KNIGHT money at his disposal. Cannot wait for this one.

THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE (July 16) -- My first instinct is to scoff at the existence of this movie, but then I remember that I felt the same way about PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN when I first heard about it. But those movies ruled, and Nic Cage is the man, so maybe -- just maybe -- this will be fun. Just don't fuck up the part with the brooms!

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS (July 23) -- Pretty sweet alignment of comedy giants in this one from Jay Roach, director of AUSTIN POWERS. Paul Rudd plays a guy who participates in a contest in which he must invite the biggest idiot he can find to finner. Naturally, he picks Steve Carell... and from there, God only knows what kind of awesome quotable hijinks will ensue.

RAMONA AND BEEZUS (July 23) -- The only question is whether or not this movie adaptation of the classic Beverly Cleary books will be as good as the '80s TV show starring a young Sarah Polley as Ramona! Um, not that I ever watched that show... or read the books, for that matter. (BTW, still haven't found those testicles... sigh.)

SALT (July 23) -- I feel like this may be Angelina Jolie's last stand... I mean, is she even relevant anymore? She hasn't made a good movie in years, and in the hearts & loins of many a man (myself included), she's been replaced by a hotter, younger version of herself named Megan Fox. So this spy action thriller is probably her last chance to prove her worth. Time will tell whether or not she's up to the challenge... or if she should go back to adopting the rest of Africa's children.

LIFE DURING WARTIME (July 23) -- The latest from Todd Solondz. Apparently it is a pseudo-sequel to the monumentally fucked-up HAPPINESS, set 10 years later, featuring the same characters at different ages (not necessary 10 years older), played by different actors (including Ciaran Hinds, Charlotte Rampling, Ally Sheedy, Paul Reubens (!) and Shirley Henderson, aka Moaning Myrtle from the HARRY POTTER series). I am scared of this movie.

I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS (July 30) -- The story of a guy (Jim Carrey) who gets into an accident, realizes that he is gay, decides to live life to the fullest, which includes becoming a con man, ends up in prison, meets the love of his life (Ewan McGregor), and then things get really crazy. Sounds pretty funny and not necessarily tragic & depressing like every other movie about gay people -- score one for social acceptance!

GET LOW (July 30) -- Not sure what it's about, but it stars Robert Duvall and Bill Murray. Need I say more?

THE OTHER GUYS (August 6) -- If Judd Apatow is the lord & master of comedy these days, then his right hand has to be Adam McKay, director of ANCHORMAN, the best & funniest comedy of the last decade. His latest stars Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg as bumbling cops who get their big break -- yep, it's an Adam McKay buddy cop comedy, and I have complete faith that it will be another dose of hilarity that we'll be quoting for years to come.

THE EXPENDABLES (August 13) -- Stallone. Statham. Rourke. Li. Lundgren. STONE COLD! Cameo appearances by Bruce Willis and Arnold f'ing Schwartzeneggar?! Whether or not this movie (written & directed by Sly, who promises a hard R rating) will actually be good remains to be seen... but either way, it will be the epitome of all that which is badass.

SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD (August 13) -- By now, I am pretty much sick of Michael Cera's schtick... but I gotta admit, the premise of this graphic novel adaptation sounds right up my alley. Cera does his usual Cera thing, this time as a guy who, in order to win the hand of the girl of his dreams, must defeat her seven ex-boyfriends in battle, video game style. That rules... and did I mention that it's directed by Edgar Wright, the genius behind SHAUN OF THE DEAD? This will probably be awesome.

GOING THE DISTANCE (August 27) -- The plot of this movie sounds like a fairly basic, run-of-the-mill romantic comedy, but I just like the idea of Drew Barrymore in her first R-rated raunch-fest. Yep, I'm still crushing on Drew after all these years!

PIRHANA 3D (August 27) -- AVATAR, Schmavatar... here's a movie that understands the proper use of 3D technology! Which is to say that there will be lots of evil man-eating fish, splattering blood, Christopher Lloyd, and, of course... BOOBIES! I seriously can't think of a better way to cap off the summer.

So many movies to cram into a few short months that will surely fly by... but I think I am up to the task. Are you??

Sometimes I Forget I Have a Movie Blog

*sigh*... I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. So much for my post-Oscar blog rebirth! Then again, the summer movie season is almost here, which means summer blockbusters, which means... ahh, who knows. Anyway, here's a recap of some stuff I've seen over the past month-plus....

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON -- I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that this movie has become such a phenomenon. It's definitely fun, and it looks great (especially in 3D), but I just didn't think it would have this kind of staying power in theatres, let alone the power to spawn the kind of multimedia franchise that seems to be developing. Go figure. That being said, it's wholeheartedly enjoyable for all ages and one of the better non-Pixar animated movies I've seen in a while, so I'll allow it.

CHLOE -- A tasty erotic thriller from the enigmatic Atom Egoyan. Julianne Moore suspects that her husband (Liam Neeson, who is all over the place these days) is cheating on her, so she secretly hires uber-hot call-girl Amanda Seyfried to seduce him and find out for sure. Naturally, things do not quite go according to plan, as Amanda ends up falling for Julianne and a sticky situation ensues. It’s trashy as hell, but in a good way – and by that I mean lots of nudity, lesbian sex and indiscretions of all kinds. And did I mention that Amanda Seyfried gets naked? D’gah. Easily the hottest on-screen presence I’ve seen in some time. She’s come a long way since playing the ditzy Mean Girl whose breasts can tell when it’s raining!

CLASH OF THE TITANS -- A while back, I made the decision to not see movies in 3D unless they were either (a) specifically filmed in 3D, or (b) put through a vigorous, intricate conversion process. Well, this movie did not meet either of those criteria, and thus, I saw it in regular ol' 2D, as it was originally meant to be seen. The result was... well, okay. It looks good visually, but everything else is just a big yawn... and really, even the visuals aren't as endearing as they were in the 1981 original. The film's true saving graces are Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes -- these guys chewing the scenery as Zeus and Hades, respectively, may be two of the best casting decisions we'll see all year.

DATE NIGHT -- The mere thought of Steve Carell and Tina Fey together in a movie is enough to make one praise the comedy gods for blessing us with such splendor. Indeed, it is awesome to see the two of them play off each other -- I just wish they had better material to work with. The movie is formulaic and ultimately forgettable -- I remember laughing my ass off in the moment, but I'll be damned if I can quote any good lines now -- but Carell and Fey do their damnedest to make it work. What it boils down to is that if you like them, you will like the movie. (Also, I gotta say, Tina in sexy stripper garb is a lovely sight to behold.) Stellar supporting cast, too, including Mark "Say hi to your mom for me" Wahlberg, Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wiig, Mila Kunis and James Franco.

WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY -- Entertaining & informative documentary about Disney's return to glory in the late '80s/early '90s after scuffling for years. We may never see another Disney Golden Age like when they gave us THE LITTLE MERMAID, BEAUTY & THE BEAST, ALADDIN and THE LION KING in a five-year span, and that era is all the more remarkable when you realize how far from grace they'd fallen in the years leading up to those masterpieces. The doc is loading with never-before-seen footage of the goings-on in the Disney studio at that time and is surprisingly honest and insightful. The film is backed by Disney, but they run themselves through the ringer quite a bit (THE BLACK CAULDRON outgrossed by THE CARE BEARS MOVIE, ouch!) before ultimately patting themselves on the back. A must-see for Disney aficionados and casual fans alike.

KICK-ASS -- Here's a tongue twister for you: How much ass does KICK-ASS kick when Kick-Ass and Hit Girl kick ass? The answer is... A WHOLE LOT OF FUCKING ASS. Seriously, this movie is awesome. Ridiculous. Thrilling. Intense. Brutally violent. Hilarious. Poignant. Gloriously raunchy. Bloody. Exhilarating. Completely outrageous. I could go on all day with this list of adjectives... but even if I did, I'm not sure I could properly convey just how much ass this movie kicks. All of the characters are pretty memorable. Aaron Johnson gives the titular Kick-Ass just the right mix of geekiness, bravado and naiveté, while Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s Red Mist is a classic foil. Nic Cage, meanwhile, is perfect as Big Daddy, a Batman-esque antihero who makes you think that maybe, just maybe, they SHOULD have given Cage a shot as Superman back in the day. But the real show-stopper is Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl, the ruthless, foul-mouthed, 11-year-old vigilante killing machine. Holy shit, does she own this movie. Her character is wrong on so many levels (and will quite possibly inspire a whole new generation of creepy old men), and yet, she kicks such a tremendous amount of ass that every time she disembowels someone or drops the C-word, you cringe and exult at the same time. The whole thing is just insane. This movie is definitely not for everyone and that’s fine -- it knows exactly what it wants to be and exactly the audience it wants to play for -- and as far as I’m concerned, the result is one of the most wildly entertaining, ass-kicking movie experiences of the year!

HARRY BROWN -- No, this is not a bad '70s porn title, but rather an icon returning to his roots. Once upon a time, Michael Caine was one of cinema's biggest badasses in films such as GET CARTER, THE ITALIAN JOB and ALFIE (I'm talking about the '60s and '70s originals, not the inferior remakes that came out last decade), and this is a nice throwback. Caine plays a quiet old man who is pushed over the edge after his best friend is killed by the violent gangs that terrorize his London neighborhood. Overall, the movie isn't that great, but Caine rules and it is a thrill to watch him lay the smackdown on a bunch of candy-ass drug dealing punks. In many ways, this movie reminded me a lot of Michael Douglas's FALLING DOWN -- the fundamental difference being the main characters' motivations for going vigilante -- but regardless, that'd be a hell of a double-feature!

OCEANS -- I guess it is now a tradition for Disney to come out with a new DisneyNature production every Earth Day. Last year was EARTH; this year, OCEANS. It is always pretty spectacular to see these well-produced nature docs on the big screen, and there were several memorable moments (the flock of gulls dive-bombing into the ocean to catch fish is particularly cool) but as far as overall content and awe-inspiring visuals are concerned, EARTH was way better. (Though my favorite cinematic nature doc remains WINGED MIGRATION, which I actually saw twice back in 2003, including once in IMAX!) Next year's installment is apparently called AFRICAN CATS... so, in other words, a real-life LION KING? Circle of life, indeed!

MACGRUBER -- In the long, tumultuous history of SNL-skits-turned-movies, there have been far more misses than hits. MACGRUBER, a skit whose entire punchline is based on the fact that it is 30 seconds long, is one of the last of the current recurring characters that I would have expected to get the full-length treatment... and while it's certainly no WAYNE'S WORLD... somehow, it works. It doesn’t open till July, but I saw it at an advance screening the other day. It's dumb as hell, but in a good way -- loaded with hard-R-rated raunch and non-sequiturs and frankly, I laughed my ass off throughout. (Great cameos by a bunch of WWE wrestlers, too... hehe.) Basically, if you're a fan of stupid funny ridiculousness, you will get a kick out of this. Will Forte is hilarious, and Kristen Wiig continues to prove that she is quite possibly the best female SNL cast member since Gilda. How about a Judy Grimes movie next? (Just kidding just kidding just kidding!)

COMING SOON: Summer Movie Preview Madness! That is, y’know, maybe.

So Many Movies... So Many Reviews

I’m back, baby, and for your reading (and possible future viewing) pleasure I have not one, not two, not three, not four… um, okay, NINE reviews of movies I’ve seen in recent weeks! Ready? GO!

SHUTTER ISLAND -- **SPOILER ALERT** Scorcese's latest is an early contender for most misunderstood movie of the year. So much has been said about the "twist" and how it is soooo obvious and soooo lame. But people don't seem to realize that the twist is not meant to be a twist at all -- we're SUPPOSED to figure out early, if not from the very beginning, that Leo DiCaprio is really a patient. I mean, if you’ve ever seen a movie before in your life, you can figure that out. The film's true focus is the journey that his character must take in order to figure this out for himself -- and even more than that, the radical psychological process that is meant to help him along. Fantastic film, tremendous performances, and yet another slice of genius from one of cinema's true masters.

COP OUT -- *sigh*... and then there’s Kevin Smith. First he pretty much kills the View-Askewniverse with the abysmal CLERKS 2, but then ZACK & MIRI MAKE A PORNO felt like a return to form. And now this unholy turd of a film... granted, he didn’t write it, but still... wow. Part of me hoped that it wouldn’t be as bad as the trailers made it seem. “There has to be more than this,” I prayed. Then I heard that the working title was A COUPLE OF DICKS, which is pretty funny, and I thought, “Maybe THAT is more indicative of the kind of movie this really is.” But no. The movie is bad and powerfully unfunny. Not sure what the heck Kevin Smith should be doing at this point in his career, but this is not it. Maybe give him a comic book superhero and see what happens?

THE GHOST WRITER -- Man, it always infuriates me knowing that I paid good money to see a film made by a guy who should have been strung up by his balls years ago, if only I was in charge of the world. Instead, Roman Polanski is free to live the high life and even has big Hollywood stars rallying to support him. And the worst part of all? He’s still making great movies! His latest, starring Ewan McGregor as a ghost writer who gets more than he bargained for when he signs on to work with a controversial former British Prime Minister, is another one to add to the list -- taut, intense, expertly crafted and deftly acted. One of the better whammy endings I’ve seen in a while, too. Still hope Polanski someday gets what’s coming to him, though!

THE CRAZIES -- Disappointing remake of the George Romero ‘70s classic. The original was unique in that it was mainly from the perspective of the bumbling government agents who were trying to contain and cover up the epidemic that turned normal townsfolk into, well, a bunch of crazies. Lots of socio-political commentary there, obviously. The remake takes a far less interesting angle, basically turning it into a run-of-the-mill zombie flick. Some decent scares and kills manage to hold your interest for the most part, but then the ending comes and any semblance of goodwill that may have been generated is washed away. If you thought that the “nuking the fridge” incident in INDY 4 was bad... friends, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND -- Back to the subject of of filmmakers who are in danger of falling from grace, Tim Burton is just about teetering on the edge of oblivion, himself. His vision of the classic tale is a disaster of epic proportions. I got the impression that he really wanted to make a CHRONICLES OF NARNIA film, or maybe THE HOBBIT, but got stuck with Wonderland, and as a result tried to bizarrely combine them, complete with sword fights and epic battles and such. Mostly lame visuals (even the 3D was lame, thanks to a half-assed conversion from its original 2D; other filmmakers, take note, because we can tell the difference between good and bad 3D now!), plodding story and a complete waste of some tremendous actors -- for fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna have CHRISTOPHER LEE as the voice of the Jabberwocky, how about giving him more than two lines?! Frankly, I think it’s time for Burton and Johnny Depp to break up, because neither of them are doing the other any good anymore. Time to move on. But more than anything, Burton really just needs to do something completely original again -- no more shitty remakes/reboots -- I need another EDWARD SCISSORHANDS and I need it now! Unfortunately, I hear he’s in talks to do a remake of THE ADDAMS FAMILY. Let me guess… Depp as Gomez, Helena Bonham Carter as Morticia… *sigh*

GREEN ZONE -- I wonder how many people went into this movie thinking that it was the next chapter in the BOURNE saga? You've got the star of Bourne... the director of the last two Bournes... the same gritty, shaky, handheld camera technique as Bourne... yet it is NOT, in fact, Bourne. Seriously, though, this movie is very good. Matt Damon plays a U.S. soldier searching in vain for WMDs in Iraq, who begins to question the entire operation as he uncovers the unfathomable truth. It’s as intense as it is infuriating -- suffice to say, it’s loaded with raging commentary against the Bush administration, and if you weren’t already angry about that whole debacle, you will be after watching this. Of course, it's as much a fictional story as it is based on/inspired by what may or may not be fact... but I bet the truth is not too far off.

REPO MEN -- In the future, if you need a new heart, liver, knee or voice box, the Union will get you one.... but if you can't pay the bills, the repo men will come and take back what's theirs. So when the best repo man in the business becomes one of the hunted, all hell breaks loose. Granted, it's not exactly a good film, and the plot completely rips off the superior REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA, but fine actors (Jude Law, Forrest Whitaker, Liev Schreiber), enjoyable tounge-in-cheekiness, and lots of over-the-top blood & violence make it watchable. There may also be some commentary about the health care situation and... ah, my head hurts.

GREENBERG -- I’m sure that lots of people will be crushing on indie darling Greta Gerwig after seeing this movie, but guess what, I called dibs a while ago! I discovered her micro-budget, mumblecore work via some random Netflix recommendation and quickly fell in love, despite the fact that the movies themselves (HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS, LOL, BAGHEAD, NIGHTS & WEEKENDS) are kind of hit-or-miss. (The fact that she is very frequently very nude probably didn’t hurt.) Well, she takes her game to a new level in Noah Baumbach’s latest study of the relationships between neurotic, self-absorbed, angst-ridden souls (which I mean in the best possible way), starring Ben Stiller as a forty-something jerk with all kinds of problems. The two of them meet and embark on an awkward courtship that helps them put their own stagnant lives into perspective. Baumbach juggles humor, drama and heartbreak with a kind of detached precision, and the result is one of the better films of the year so far. Fine performance by Rhys Ifans, too, as Stiller’s estranged friend and former bandmate.

THE RUNAWAYS -- It's hard to tell if this movie was meant to be a serious biopic of the revolutionary '70s girl band, or a so-bad-it's-good cult favorite. My guess is the former… but it has a much better shot at the latter. From horrible acting to laughable dialogue to atrocious singing, this movie is a massive train wreck. Ironically, the casting is actually pretty spot-on, looks-wise -- Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning really look like a young Joan Jett and Cherrie Curry, respectively. Unfortunately, Stewart continues to prove that she is quite possibly the worst actress alive, and she can't sing either (though I do give her props for learning to play the guitar). Fanning fares a little better, acting-wise, but she can't sing for shit, either. Incidentally, be warned that seeing this movie, which features 15-year-old Dakota Fanning in various states of undress, doing drugs and having all sorts of sex with both genders, will likely put you on several government lists. Creepy. Also, there is NO excuse to have Alia Shawkat (AKA Maeby from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) in a movie and not give her a single speaking line! All in all, it's a pretty terrible biopic and an even worse porno... though it does have two saving graces: (1) Michael Shannon, who is awesome as producer Kim Fowley, and (2) It is freakin' hilarious!