Ben’s Top 10 Movies of 2012

Aaaaand we’re back! To those of you who have been feverishly refreshing this blog and waiting with bated breath for an update over the past eight months... um, sorry about that. I have no excuses beyond a terrible case of burn-out that was eventually overtaken by sheer laziness. Which is unfortunate, because while 2012 may have been a bit of a mixed bag in life, it was an absolutely tremendous year for movies -- one of the best in recent memory -- and it would have been nice to have written about some of them (in more than 140 characters, at least). I went to the movies 175 times, which is a new personal record by far. At times it felt like we were blessed with a new classic -- or at least, something really fun, deep, epic and/or thought-provoking -- every week. In fact, there was so much quality that it caused me physical pain to have to narrow things down to a mere Top 10. But that’s the way the game is played, and since we’re still here to play it (lousy lying Mayans!), here is what I have deemed to be the best of the bunch....

10. COMPLIANCE -- There were a number of worthy titles vying for this spot, but in the end, I went for the one that managed to embed itself into the deepest recesses of my mind, slowly gnawing and festering and generally making me squirm with revulsion every time it crept back into my waking thoughts. Based on a true story, it’s about a prank call that starts off weird and proceeds to lead us through a downward spiral of depravity, exploring the nature of authority, obedience and the innate desire to protect one's own ass. It is highly unsettling and downright infuriating, in the sense that it makes you want to stand up and scream some sense into the characters as they make one mind-bogglingly bad decision after another. Yet somehow its twistedness overrides any potential ridiculousness. COMPLIANCE is a smart, taut, superbly-acted (kudos to Golden Globe nominee Ann Dowd, not to mention fearless work from cutie Dreama Walker) and highly effective form of psychological torture form that I will not soon forget.

9. RUBY SPARKS -- Every year, I am on the lookout for the next great bittersweet romance, following in the footsteps of such films as ONCE, (500) DAYS OF SUMMER and BLUE VALENTINE. This year, I think I found it with this gem that offers a mix of joy, melancholy and heart while taking the very concept of the "romantic comedy" (particularly the "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" ideal) and turning it on its ear. Paul Dano is Calvin, a writer who scored a hit as a youth but is now struggling to rediscover his voice. In a moment of inspiration, he begins to write about Ruby, a dream girl/muse of his own creation -- and much to his surprise, one day, she appears in the flesh (in the form of my newest crush, Zoe Kazan), an apparent manifestation of his words. Calvin can now control everything from her actions to her backstory, raising titillating possibilities. However, as a living being, Ruby has her own thoughts & desires, too, which do not always mesh with Calvin’s, thus raising the dilemma: Does he continue to tweak Ruby to suite his needs or risk losing her to the world? Written by Kazan and directed by Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris (LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE), this is a cautionary tale about identity and self-respect -- but even more than that, it's a fairy tale about two of life's most powerful pieces of magic: Love and the written word.

8. THE MASTER -- Paul Thomas Anderson's last two movies finished as my #1 picks of 2002 and 2007, respectively, so to say that his latest was one of my most anticipated releases of 2012 would be an understatement. Now, while THE MASTER may not quite match the towering masterpiece that is THERE WILL BE BLOOD, it is nevertheless a work of art in its own right -- part character study, part fever dream. Joaquin Phoenix gives a visceral performance as Freddie Quell, a troubled drifter in unsettled aftermath of WWII who falls under the spell of charismatic cult leader Lancaster Dodd (Phillip Seymour Hoffman, perfect as usual) and their interactions are nothing short of mesmerizing. Similarities to the origins of Scientology are striking but sort of beside the point; the movie is really about the power play between the two men. On one hand, Dodd is in control of Quell -- but then again, what is a leader without his flock? It’s fascinating, thought-provoking stuff -- expertly-crafted, gorgeously-filmed (especially in 70mm) and further proof that P.T. Anderson exists & works on another level of filmmaking. At this point, the man has become a genre unto himself.

7. HOLY MOTORS -- Nothing I write here can fully prepare you for this film from French maestro Leos Carax, as it really defies description -- it is a truly bizarre, mind-bending, often joyous, unsettling and memorable movie-watching experience. On the surface, it’s about a man named Oscar (Denis Lavant) who goes off in a limousine, dons different costumes and carries out a series of seemingly random and bizarre scenes & scenarios all over Paris. First he’s a sex-simulating motion-capture artist. Then he’s a mutant sewer creature. He leads a rousing musical jaunt through the streets. He gets into a knife fight. He dies. He loves. He lives with monkeys. But what does it all mean?? Interpretations are legion, and it’s the kind of movie that may require many viewings to fully absorb and deconstruct -- but I think it’s a commentary on the purported death of cinema, particularly as it relates to the war of old vs. new technology (think film projection vs. digital, etc.). Carax proposes that cinema, as an art form, is still very much alive -- a point with which I very much agree -- and after the experience that is HOLY MOTORS, is impossible to deny. In a perfect world, Denis Lavant would earn Oscar nominations for each of his incredible performances, all of which are so different and equally brilliant. Open your mind and see this film as soon as possible.

6. THE AVENGERS -- Back in 2008, when IRON MAN asserted itself as one of the all-time great comic book films, we knew it was only the beginning of what would eventually become a multi-film superhero team-up of epic proportions. But I don’t think anybody could have imagined that it would turn out quite this awesome. Thanks to the magic touch of Joss Whedon, THE AVENGERS is a soaring, bright, bold, snappy, funny, uproarious, exhilarating and ass-kicking romp through the Marvel universe, and a testament to what can happen when a “Big Idea” is given proper time, care and resources. All the characters we’ve come to know and love are handled perfectly and are given their time in the spotlight. (Hell, it took three tries but -- with all due respect to Ang Lee -- they finally nailed the Incredible Hulk and especially Bruce Banner; there’s a special kind of thrill in the scenes where Mark Ruffalo’s Banner and Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark play off each other.) It even makes the lesser Marvel films (hi, THOR) better and more interesting. Plus, I’m not gonna lie: I’ve always preferred my superhero movies to be more fun and comic booky than dark and gritty -- and THE AVENGERS is probably the most fun I had at the movies last year. Cannot wait for to see what happens in Phase 2 -- and this success with Marvel also gives me great hope regarding Disney’s latest acquisition, a certain little indie house called Lucasfilm.

5. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS -- Joss Whedon is back again, co-writing (along with director Drew Goddard) the horror movie to end all horror movies -- or at least it should have been -- or at the very least, it wipes the slate clean, similar to the way SCREAM did in the ‘90s but on a whole other level of madness. Look at a plot synopsis and you might write it off as another stupid generic horror flick -- but this is more than just a scary movie (though it is that, and a damn good one). It’s even more than a wink-wink at typical horror tropes and conventions. It’s a veritable deconstruction of the genre and a commentary on why the hell we watch these movies in the first place. There may even be something in there about the very meaning of existence. And it’s hilarious. And it’s smart and effective. And the last half hour is unquestionably the most jaw-dropping, bat-shit crazy sequence in horror movie history. I know I’m being overly mysterious and hyperbolic, but dammit, I don’t want to spoil the experience. Though I am happy to report that even after you know what happens, it’s still tremendous -- and as such, I anticipate many repeat viewings in which I will revel in its sheer, unbridled awesomeness.

4. THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER -- I was not familiar with Stephen Chbosky’s book when I saw this movie, but it sounded like it would be right up my alley, being a former high school dork (and wallflower of sorts), myself, and who had a close-knit group of fellow dorks. PERKS deals with some deep issues, including mental illness, homophobia and death, but also taps into the every day minutia that makes high school such a tumultuous period of life -- and does so in such a warm, realistic, personal & nostalgia-inducing way that anyone who ever endured those trials and tribulations and remembers those close friendships will find something to cling to. Chbosky deserves kudos for both his fantastic script and nuanced direction. And then there’s the cast: Logan Lerman is outstanding as introverted & troubled Charlie, while Ezra Miller continues his recent run of excellence as the flamboyant Patrick, and I defy any warm-blooded heterosexual male to not fall even more in love with Emma Watson after her luminous performance as Sam. Plus it’s a damn good ‘90s period piece and has a great soundtrack. While it may fly under the Oscar radar, I believe it will eventually be regarded as one of the great films of its kind, alongside the best of such luminaries as John Hughes and Cameron Crowe.

3. MOONRISE KINGDOM -- When Wes Anderson is off his game, as he had been for his last couple of live action films (I liked but didn’t love THE LIFE AQUATIC and have little use for THE DARJEELING LIMITED), his signature stylistic choices, attention to mise-en-scène, etc., can come off as pretentious and tiresome. But when he really nails it and fuses his visual talent with a perfect story and creates a rich cinematic universe, as he does here, it is a joy to behold. MOONRISE KINGDOM is an aesthetic treasure trove, bursting with color and warmth and whimsy, and a transcendent ode to the wonders of young love -- the story of two smitten twelve-year-olds who run away together, only to be pursued by a madcap collection of family and authority figures. Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward are amazing & believable as the young lovers who may be wise beyond their years but are still a couple of awkward kids. The supporting cast is loaded with talent: Bruce Willis (arguably his performance in what was an excellent year for him) and Edward Norton and Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormand and, of course, Anderson regulars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. This is Wes Anderson his absolute best (in fact, I’d call it his his best since THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS), loaded with the kind of humor and poignancy and melancholy and oddness that only he can provide.

2. LES MISERABLES -- In every art form, there is one thing I love that towers above the rest. When it comes to movies, it’s STAR WARS. Music: the Beatles. Books: Stephen King’s DARK TOWER series. And on Broadway, it’s LES MIS. I saw the musical four times between 1994 and 1999, have listened to the soundtrack countless times and have been dreaming of a big screen version for years. I saw it on Christmas Night at the Ziegfeld in NYC... and from the moment that powerful overture kicks in, all the way to the tear-jerking finale... goddamn, it is a triumph. Tom Hooper’s bold direction (actors singing live on set! extreme close-ups!), some remarkable performances (Hugh Jackman! Anne Hathaway! Eddie Redmayne!) and the fearlessness of the production make LES MIS the most soaring, emotionally-charged cinematic experience of the year. Hooper does a tremendous job of capturing both the scope and intimacy of the story, and somehow, even the film’s imperfections (crazy Dutch angles! Russell Crowe’s singing voice!) seem to work in context. But there are also moments of pure transcendence, such as Anne Hathaway’s soul-crushing rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream,” which is one of the best individual scenes in any movie this year. LES MIS is the kind of hugely ambitious, bombastic film that people will either love or hate -- but I, for one, am very glad to finally live in a world in which it exists.

...and finally....

1. LINCOLN -- After all these years, despite the fact that he has given us some of the greatest movies of all time, it’s easy to take Steven Spielberg for granted, and perhaps assume that his best days are behind him. But then he comes out with something like this... something so expertly-crafted and perfect that it not only meets the high standards that we have set for him, but blows them out of the water, and we remember, “Oh yeah, Steven Spielberg is still STEVEN FUCKING SPIELBERG.” With this film, he has crafted a political procedural about the passing of the 13th Amendment that is both sprawling in scope and an extremely intimate portrait of Lincoln, the man, featuring a brilliant, multi-faceted script by Tony Kushner, a lovely, understated score by John Williams, and one of the all-time great lead performances by Daniel Day-Lewis. I mean, we knew that DDL was going to be amazing in this role, especially after the first photos surfaced. But he really transcends greatness and BECOMES the 16th President, turning Honest Abe into a sort of political action hero who uses words instead of weapons, while still maintaining his humanity -- an unprecedented third Best Actor Oscar is most definitely in sight. The film is bolstered by a brilliant supporting cast, especially scene-stealing Tommy Lee Jones as outspoken abolitionist Thaddeus Stevens. But it’s Spielberg’s deft direction (particularly the way he often knows when to step back and let the script and the actors do all the work) that makes LINCOLN utterly enthralling, fascinating, noble, epic, immersive, funny, educational, exultant -- and in my opinion, the very best movie of 2012.

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Other Noteworthy Titles (in alphabetical order):

Amour. Arbitrage. Argo. Beasts of the Southern Wild. Bernie. Brave. The Central Park Five. Chronicle. Cloud Atlas. Damsels in Distress. End of Watch. For a Good Time, Call.... Frankenweenie. Goodbye, First Love. The Grey. Headhunters. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. The Intouchables. Jeff, Who Lives at Home. Jiro Dreams of Sushi. John Carter. The Kid With a Bike. Killer Joe. Life of Pi. Looper. Oslo: August 31st. ParaNorman. The Pirates! Band of Misfits. The Queen of Versailles. The Raid: Redemption. Safety Not Guaranteed. The Secret World of Arrietty. The Sessions. Seven Psychopaths. Silver Linings Playbook. Skyfall. Sleepwalk With Me. Smashed. Sound of My Voice. Take This Waltz. That’s My Boy. Turn Me On, Dammit! Wanderlust. West of Memphis. Wreck-It Ralph. Your Sister’s Sister. Zero Dark Thirty. 

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And now... Ben’s Top 10 WORST Films of 2012:

10. ROCK OF AGES -- I’ve heard that the Broadway show is really fun, but after sitting through this embarrassingly wretched adaptation, I have zero desire to find out if that’s true. Tom Cruise’s over-the-top performance provides the only sliver of entertainment value.
9. TOTAL RECALL -- It’s not that this remake is completely awful -- it has its moments, mostly involving Kate Beckinsale -- but compared to the original, it’s so bland and drab and unnecessary that I’m including it here out of spite. STOP THE MADNESS.
8. RED DAWN -- An even more worthless, arguably more unnecessary ‘80s remake that gets negative bonus points for featuring perhaps the single worst performance of the year: This guy Josh Peck is GOD. AWFUL.
7. TAKEN 2 -- Liam Neeson kicking ass usually provides a particular set of thrills (see what I did there?), but this is as bad & needless a sequel as we've seen in a while. Also features some of the worst villains in the history of villainy.
6. SEEKING JUSTICE -- Saw this title on my list and honestly had to look it up to remember what the fuck it was about. Now I remember: It’s a way-too-clunky mystery/thriller that maybe could have been redeemed if only it had a larger dose of Nic Cage in crazy mode.
5. SILENT HOUSE -- Despite some nifty, gimmicky camerawork, this is hackneyed horror at its absolute worst. Not ashamed to admit that Elizabeth Olsen in a busty white tank top saves it from being ranked even lower.
4. DARK SHADOWS -- Personally, I would've preferred an epic debacle like ALICE IN WONDERLAND to this lazy mess. Tim Burton may have redeemed himself on the animation side, but when it comes to live action, he is still very much in the dog house.
3. MAN ON A LEDGE -- If Samuel L. Jackson had suddenly appeared and yelled, “I have had it with this motherfucking man on this motherfucking ledge!” then this movie might have been cool. But that did not happen... so it’s just dopey, useless schlock.
2. GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE -- In this day and age of great comic book films, there’s no excuse for such awful dreck as this. Once again, we needed more Crazy Nic Cage. Or at least one Violante Placido topless scene.
1. BATTLESHIP -- From the moment this movie was announced, we all knew it was going to suck. But incredibly, it is a trainwreck beyond even our wildest imaginations. Stunningly, unrelentingly stupid in every possible way. Ridiculous characters and situations. Terrible acting and dialogue. If the filmmakers had only embraced the innate campiness of the idea, rather than playing it mostly straight... who knows, maybe it could have actually been kind of fun... as it stands, may God have mercy on the souls of everyone involved. Please let the “board game movie” trend end here!

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And now... Some Semi-Stream-of-Consciousness Movie Thoughts!

Twelve Titles That Just Missed the Top 10: As I mentioned, there were a number of films that caused me physical pain to leave out of the Top 10. First an foremost is LOOPER, one of the best pure sci-fi films in recent memory. Everything works, from the story to the dystopia to the “science” -- Philip K. Dick would be proud. BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD is a miracle of a film, featuring one of the year’s best performances (Quvenzhané Wallis!) not to mention the year’s best score. Michael Haneke gets sentimental but no less clinical in AMOUR, a heartbreaking portrait of old age and unconditional love. THE GREY infuses a dose of existentialism to the the “Bad-ass Liam Neeson action flick” with great results. SOUND OF MY VOICE is mesmerizing and surprising -- sign me up for the cult of Brit Marling any day. Ben Affleck takes his filmmaking prowess to the next level with ARGO, a film that answers the question, “What do you get when you cross OCEAN’S 11 with MUNICH?” Michelle Williams is exceptional (as always) and Seth Rogen shows surprising depth in Sarah Polley’s examination of a relationship gone awry, TAKE THIS WALTZ (a film that held greater resonance for me as the year wore on). Mark Duplass is great and Rosemarie DeWitt out-cutes Emily Blunt in the funny & sincere YOUR SISTER'S SISTER. They said CLOUD ATLAS was unfilmable but the Wachowskis proved them wrong with a big, multi-layered and resoundingly successful three-hour epic about time & space & life & love (and perhaps the biggest Oscar no-brainer of the year... for Best Makeup). Kathryn Bigelow reasserts herself as the master of the military procedural with the intense, controversial ZERO DARK THIRTY. And then there’s THE HOBBIT and SKYFALL... neither of which were serious Top 10 contenders... but I loved them just the same!

Biggest Guilty Pleasure: It’s funny, I’ve thought long and hard about this and I don’t think I had ANY guilty pleasures last year. There were no TRANSFORMERS-esque bad movies that I loved in spite of themselves. I feel absolutely no guilt about anything! That’s yet another sign of an outstanding movie year. That being said, I DID see TITANIC 3D not once, not twice, but three times. Maybe I feel a little guilty about that, if for no other reason than that it’s a 15-year-old movie that took up another 9+ hours of my life. But you know what? I love TITANIC, unequivocally and unapologetically... so no regrets!

Most Pleasant Surprise: We pretty much knew that SKYFALL would be cool, but who could’ve guessed that it would be arguably the best Bond movie ever -- a perfect mix of old & new? Steven Soderbergh’s touch helped make MAGIC MIKE more legitimately entertaining than it had any business being. MEN IN BLACK III made up for the dismal previous film by recapturing the fun of the original (thanks in no small part of Josh Brolin’s incredible Tommy Lee Jones impression). CHRONICLE proved to be a highly entertaining, fresh spin on both the overdone “found footage” and “superhero origin story” genres. Didn’t know what to expect from END OF WATCH but it turned out to be a gripping buddy cop action procedural featuring tremendous camaraderie between Jake Gyllenhaal & Oscar-worthy Michael Peña. But I think I might go with FRANKENWEENIE here -- it may not be quite on par with Tim Burton’s old-school best, but it’s a definite return to form and evidence that maybe it’s not time to put him out to pasture just yet. (Of course, now he has to do it again!)

Biggest Disappointment: Unfortunately, the clear choice here is PROMETHEUS, which was cool at times but mostly muddled and messy and did not come close to the expectations that come from a new movie set in Ridley Scott’s ALIEN universe. (That said, I still own the Blu-Ray -- see, this was such a great movie year that even the disappointments are worth another watch.) I was also a little let down by THE DARK KNIGHT RISES -- it wasn’t bad, exactly, and I enjoyed it in the moment, but it was so bloated, it felt like Nolan had just grown bored with the trilogy and decided to throw in everything including the kitchen sink (plus, although the “plot hole” meme got a little overdone, let’s face it, there ARE some that are tough to overlook). THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN is another one that I enjoyed in the moment, but in retrospect, I’d rather watch the Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire version any day. I was also sorry to see a couple of potentially fun gimmicky films drop the ball badly: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER took itself way too seriously, and RISE OF THE GUARDIANS was just uninspired and dull. Too bad.

Most Underrated: You know what? I’m gonna go with JOHN CARTER here. Yes, Disney botched the marketing of the film horribly -- how can you not tout the fact that the story was the inspiration for 100 years’ worth of sci-fi / fantasy classics, including STAR WARS and AVATAR?? That alone would’ve sold $100 million worth of tickets. That said, the movie is still fun and ambitious and not nearly as bad as it’s been made out to be. I still have faith in Andrew Stanton’s genius. Meanwhile, THE HOBBIT may be one of the most misunderstood movies of the year, based on some reviews I’ve seen, but personally, I loved it and will continue to follow Jackson & Co. there and back again with pleasure. And then there’s CLOUD ATLAS, which has inexplicably been placed on several high-profile “Bottom 10” lists. Those people are out of their goddamn minds!

Most Overrated: Based on all the adulation and award consideration it’s been getting, FLIGHT may turn out to be the most overrated movie of the century. Come on, people... aside from opening airplane crash sequence (which is legitimately harrowing), it is a bunch of preachy, melodramatic nonsense and Denzel is more of a caricature of himself than ever. It will be a damn shame if he takes an Oscar nomination away from a far more deserving candidate. I’m also sorry to say that I do not get the love for 21 JUMP STREET -- I found it to be generally unfunny and way too infatuated with its own faux-cleverness (and Channing Tatum still sucks). Not really a huge fan of the bloated, self-indulgent cacophony that is DJANGO UNCHAINED, either. It has its moments, but best Tarantino film ever? Watch INGLORIOUS BASTERDS again -- it’s not even close.

Concerning Hobbits: Actually, hell, let’s talk about how much I love THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY for a little bit. I love that it is such an unabashed, sprawling, Tolkien love-fest, delving into the LOTR appendices and other works to flesh out the rather bare-bones kiddie novel. I love how Jackson picked out little insignificant details, like the Stone-Giants, and turned them into awesome set pieces. I love the lighter tone with the underlying threat of darkness that we know (and Gandalf fears) is coming. Of course, I love Gollum and “Riddles in the Dark.” I love the LOTR references and connections, even though some of them seemed to be shoe-horned in (like the White Council and essentially the entire Frodo/Blibo prologue). There may be a bit too much video game-esque CGI (compared to the practical effects in the LOTR trilogy), but fortunately, the effects are some of the best I’ve ever seen, especially in HFR / 48fps. That newfangled technology is jarring and unnatural at first, but once your eyes adjust (which took about an hour for me), it’s pretty nifty. All in all, THE HOBBIT is a welcome return to Peter Jackson’s Middle-earth, a place I am always happy to visit for a few (or many, many) hours!

Bye-bye, Twilight: Like it or not, the TWILIGHT saga is a thing that happened and it set all kinds of ridiculous box office records and lessened everyone's faith in humanity. Mercifully, it is now over... but I have to admit that it went out with a bang. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PART 2 definitely still sucked, and Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are still the worst ever, but it was by far the best of the series, featuring a final act battle that was sort of jaw-dropping and, apparently, a big departure from the book. If only they'd done that that all along! Now let us never speak of this again.

Animation is Good: We were treated to some very solid animated fare last year, starting, of course, with Pixar and Disney. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you that BRAVE is not worth your time; it may not be WALL-E or TOY STORY-good, but it’s a damn fine film. But for the first time in a while, Walt Disney Animation did Pixar one better: WRECK-IT RALPH is a super-nostalgic ode to classic video games and an absolute blast (though I actually enjoyed the preceding short film, PAPERMAN, even more!). Meanwhile, Tim Burton may have returned to form with FRANKENWEENIE, but PARANORMAN was even better, with its with its macabre visuals and humor and heart, not to mention the best anti-bullying / “it gets better” message of the year. (Sadly, I did not see HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA to complete the “animated kiddie horror” trilogy.) Studio Ghibli provided another slice of dreamy brilliance with THE SECRET WORLD OF ARREITTY, while Aardman proved that pirates are still pretty cool with the hilarious THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS. Really, the only big animated misfire was RISE OF THE GUARDIANS, which, as mentioned earlier, had great potential but just fell flat. Of course, in the end, the Academy will likely scrounge up some crazy foreign animation that will throw everyone for a loop, like they did last year with CHICO & RITA and A CAT IN PARIS -- which, incidentally, I also saw and were both great!

Foreign Cinema: Amongst all the Hollywood blockbusters and indie gems, I managed to squeeze in some culture, too. The best foreign film of the year -- and one of the most visceral & heart-wrenching movie-watching experiences -- is Michael Haneke’s AMOUR. Marion Cotillard plays a woman with no legs (i.e., a guaranteed Oscar nod) in the well-acted, occasionally shocking, but flawed RUST AND BONE. Gareth Evans’ action spectacle, THE RAID: REDEMPTION features non-stop mayhem, ultraviolence and some of the craziest fight choreography ever -- it was wildly entertaining and lived up to the geek hype. THE INTOUCHABLES was a phenomenon in France and is quite enjoyable -- plus it won me an iPad via a Twitter contest, so maybe I’m biased. Diane Kruger makes a great Marie Antoinette in the lush French period piece, FAREWELL, MY QUEEN. And another from France: GOODBYE, FIRST LOVE, a touching exploration of young passion, bittersweet longing, unrealistic expectation & harsh reality. THE KID WITH A BIKE is a beautifully-crafted fairy tale that (finally) introduced me to the great Dardenne bros. And speaking of Belgian filmmakers, THE FAIRY is some fun slapstick that briefly turned me on to the films of Abel, Gordon & Romy. Elsewhere in Europe, Norway offered a trifecta of greatness with HEADHUNTERS and OSLO, AUGUST 31st (neither of which I saw in theatres but fortunately discovered on Netflix) and my personal favorite, the girl-power teen sex comedy TURN ME ON, DAMMIT! Lastly, much to my delight, Audrey Tautou was back in DELICACY -- not her best film, but she remains the cutest of the cute.

What's up, Docs: I saw a handful of documentaries, too, my sentimental favorite of which was the delectable JIRO DREAMS OF SUSHI, which seriously made me consider jumping on the next flight to Tokyo (or rather, going to Tokyo two years from now, which is probably the earliest I could get a reservation to Jiro's restaurant if I’m lucky). THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES was an appalling and morbidly funny portrait of the 1% that managed to elicit conflicting feelings of compassion & schadenfreude. BULLY certainly meant well but amounted to little more than an anti-bullying fluff piece. I saw KNUCKLEBALL! at the IFC Center shortly after watching R.A. Dickey win his 20th game at Citi Field, which was a pretty cool day. For those who were enthralled by the PARADISE LOST trilogy and just can't get enough of the West Memphis Three, there's WEST OF MEMPHIS (produced by Peter Jackson) which delves even deeper into certain aspects of the case and offers a fresh perspective and some eye-opening insight. Meanwhile, for another example of the justice system gone awry (and a vivid snapshot of grimy, pre-Giuliani NYC), THE CENTRAL PARK FIVE is equally essential viewing.

Comedies, or Lack Thereof: If there was one sub-genre that was severely lacking in 2012, it was the high-profile, straight-up, broad comedy. Films like THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT and THIS IS 40 were mostly unremarkable, while PARENTAL GUIDANCE was downright dreadful. AMERICAN REUNION had the nostalgia factor going for it (not to mention Ali Cobrin’s breasts) but was ultimately unmemorable. Lots of people loved 21 JUMP STREET, for reasons I do not understand. THE WATCH had a fine cast and some decent laughs but, again, quickly forgettable. THE DICTATOR suggests that Sacha Baron Cohen’s schtick may have grown cold (though he redeemed himself in LES MIS). Even Woody Allen misfired a bit with his latest European postcard, TO ROME WITH LOVE (though, mediocre Allen is still better than no Allen at all, so let’s appreciate it while we can). In retrospect, my favorite broad comedies were Adam Sandler’s THAT’S MY BOY, which was legitimately funny and a vast improvement over his recent dreck -- followed by Kevin James’ HERE COMES THE BOOM, which had kind of a HAPPY GILMORE meets WARRIOR vibe that I enjoyed. Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are!

Under-the-Radar Comedies: Fortunately, there were laughs to be had if you knew where to look. Jack Black deserves an Oscar nod for his incredible, out-of-nowhere performance in Richard Linklater’s BERNIE. SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS was bat-shit crazy, bloody and hilarious. FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL... is a female buddy comedy in the style of a romantic comedy disguised as a raunchy chick comedy, and it works. GOD BLESS AMERICA is uneven but funny social satire (though it also features a movie theatre shooting massacre, which may be why it has been shunted aside). WANDERLUST was not quite as outrageous as WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, but still, the members of The State (plus Paul Rudd) need to make more movies. Whit Stillman created a wacky world in DAMSELS IN DISTRESS and Greta Gerwig is its queen. You could also probably count SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK in this category, though it has since moved to the forefront thanks to some serious Oscar buzz (and Jennifer Lawrence’s awesomeness) -- either way, it’s good!

Horror Madness: We’ve already talked about how CABIN IN THE WOODS should have been the horror film to end all horror films... but others were released in 2012, anyway, and some of them were okay. I really enjoyed SINISTER, which was a little hokey but does actually provides some legitimate scares. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 was easily the worst of the series so far -- I still enjoy the concept and the universe, but they might want to start thinking about wrapping things up. I saw a pretty bad but grisly piece of torture porn called THE COLLECTION, which I later learned was a sequel to a movie I’d never seen (don’t think I missed much). Post-Potter Daniel Radcliffe is solid but THE WOMAN IN BLACK has a muddled story, weak scares and a groaner ending. Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Olsen both wear white tank tops in THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET and SILENT HOUSE, respectively; neither are any good, but still... Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Olsen in white tank tops!

Sore Butts Across America: One thing's for sure, we definitely got our money's worth, time-wise, at the cinema in 2012. Seriously, take a look at some of these run times: LINCOLN (2:29). ZERO DARK THIRTY (2:37). LES MIS (2:38). DJANGO UNCHAINED (2:45). THE HOBBIT (2:49). CLOUD ATLAS (2:52). Not to mention the 4+ hours I spent watching LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, 10+ hours for the INDIANA JONES quadrilogy and 13+ hours for THE LORD OF THE RINGS Extended Edition trilogy. Yowza!

The Year of Mark Duplass: I've been a Duplass fan for a while, dating back to his mumblecore roots, and it's been cool to see him gradually make his way to the mainstream as both an actor and director -- a process that began in 2011 with CYRUS and really took off this past year. As an actor, Duplass was great in the heartfelt YOUR SISTER’S SISTER, and even better alongside Aubrey Plaza in SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED, one of the better, understated sci-fi romances in recent memory. As a director, he gave us JEFF, WHO LIVES AT HOME, a loveable cheeseball of a film starring Jason Segel, as well as THE DO-DECA PENTATHALON (co-directed by his brother Jay), a funny/sad story of sibling rivalry gone too far. Plus he had a small role in ZERO DARK THIRTY as well as two other movies I didn’t see. The dude was this year’s Jessica Chastain! Only, y’know, not as pretty.

...or is it the Year of Matthew McConaughey: Don’t call it a comeback, McConaughey’s been here for years... but he’s never had a year like this, with FOUR tremendous performances under his belt. There’s the twisted titular bounty hunter in KILLER JOE, a film that will forever change the way you look at fried chicken. He’s fantastic as Jack Black’s foil in the aforementioned BERNIE. He steals the show in MAGIC MIKE, much to the ladies’ delight, I’m sure. And THE PAPERBOY is a filthy, greasy piece of trash in which McConaughey shines. He might actually have the edge over Duplass because he has actually gotten some award recognition for his work. No arguments here.

...or is it the Year of Chris Hemsworth (THE AVENGERS, THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, RED DAWN), Joseph-Gordon Levitt (THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, LOOPER, PREMIUM RUSH, LINCOLN), Bryan Cranston (ARGO, ROCK OF AGES, TOTAL RECALL, JOHN CARTER), Bruce Willis (LOOPER, MOONRISE KINGDOM, THE EXPENDABLES 2), Jennifer Lawrence (THE HUNGER GAMES, SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK, THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET), or Kevin Nash (MAGIC MIKE, ROCK OF AGES): You decide!

Scores and More Scores: My favorite score of the year, which I have listened to many times (in fact, I’ve been listening to it while writing this very blog post) is BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD, a hummable, fantastical, plucky ode to the south that feels at once intimate and sweeping. John Williams is back in top form with some very subdued but effective work in LINCOLN -- would have no problem with him snagging his sixth Oscar (and first in nearly 20 years). Howard Shore invokes his classic LORD OF THE RINGS themes throughout THE HOBBIT, but there are some new gems in there, too -- the man just plain knows how to represent Middle-earth through music. Like the movie itself, the CLOUD ATLAS score is epic & all over the place (in a good way). And like THE MASTER, Johnny Greenwood’s score is full of weird dissonance (also in a good way). Nick Urata manages to capture the magic & whimsy of RUBY SPARKS -- plus it’s catchy. And say what you want about the film, but Michael Giacchino’s JOHN CARTER score has a damn good, old-fashioned adventure feel that I very much enjoyed (even more so while listening to it while reading the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel on the subway!).

Revivals, Re-Releases & Classics: It’s always fun to see older movies on the big screen, and I saw more of them in 2012 than ever before. First and foremost was a magnificent 4K restoration of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA -- holy crap. An astonishing presentation, an astonishing film and an astonishing movie-watching experience. I also saw screenings of CASABLANCA (which got many classic quotes stuck in my head) and CHARIOTS OF FIRE (which got a certain classic score stuck in my head). E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL made me cry, as it has done every time I’ve watched it over the past 30 years. I spent 13+ hours watching the complete LORD OF THE RINGS extended edition trilogy and another 10+ hours reliving the complete INDIANA JONES quadrilogy. Pixar decided to re-release a bunch of its classics for a weekend in May and I saw a sweet double-feature of WALL-E and TOY STORY 3. On July 7th, I kicked off my birthday celebration with a screening of A BOY NAMED CHARLIE BROWN at the Film Society of Lincoln Center, and then capped the night with a midnight screening of THE ROOM at the Sunshine (best birthday ever). And then, of course, there were the 3D re-releases. As I mentioned earlier, I saw TITANIC three times (bringing my overall total since 1997 to eight). I am on record as a fan of STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE and had fun revisiting it again on the big screen (at the Ziegfeld, no less). Somehow I missed FINDING NEMO, but I did see BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and MONSTERS INC. and enjoyed them very much.

And there you have it, folks. Thoughts? Questions? Criticisms? Death threats? What are YOUR picks for the best and worst movies of 2012? Let’s talk, why not!

REVIEW: Titanic 3D

"It's been 84 years and I can still smell the fresh paint," recalled old Rose as she began her epic tale of love and tragedy at sea. Well, it has now been nearly 15 years since I first saw James Cameron's masterpiece, TITANIC, on the big screen, and I can still remember being fully captivated by one of the greatest spectacles ever to grace the silver screen. The much-heralded 3D re-release officially opens tomorrow, but I was fortunate to see an advance screening in February, and I can honestly say that it is not only the best 3D conversion we've seen so far, but it remains one of the most awe-inspiring cinematic experiences of all time.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I totally got caught up in TITANIC-mania in late 1997 and well into '98.  I loved the movie then and I love it now.  As a 20-year-old, I had only just begun to tap into what would soon evolve into an full-fledged passion for movies, and my obsession with all things TITANIC played an indelible role in that process.  Despite what naysayers may say now, this movie was a phenomenon. It's one of the few movies that really does have something for everyone... and everyone saw it.  It made over $600 million in North America alone (still #2 all-time behind Cameron's AVATAR), and was #1 at the box office for fifteen consecutive weeks (a astounding streak that will likely never be broken, now that the movie-release process is much different and more front-loaded). It was nominated for 14 Oscars and won 11 of them, including Best Picture. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet were already well-established actors, but still fresh-faced, and they suddenly became mega-stars.  For better or worse, you couldn't turn on a radio without hearing Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," and James Horner's beautiful score is one of film's most recognizable.  It was crazy. Now, nearly 15 years later (and almost exactly 100 years after the event itself), TITANIC remains a landmark cultural event and a monumental achievement that deserves to be ranked alongside GONE WITH THE WIND, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS and other huge, sprawling, groundbreaking and beloved epics. But even aside from all that, it is just a damn good, wildly entertaining motion picture.

The biggest knock against TITANIC has always been that the script sucks (indeed, Best Screenplay was NOT one of those 14 Oscar nods). But you know what? While it may be cheesy as times, it is also rife with quotable dialogue. James Cameron may not be Shakespeare, but he knows what he's doing.  At its core, the story is simple -- poor boy meets rich girl aboard ill-fated ocean liner -- and loaded with broad characters and archetypes.  But the star-crossed love story is timeless, and even if Leo & Kate may be a little embarrassed by it nowadays, their combined talents and extreme likeability helped take Cameron's material to a much higher level. The supporting cast is equally memorable, from Billy Zane's scene-chewing turn as the dastardly Caledon Hockley, to Bernard "King Theoden" Hill’s unfortunate Captain Smith, to Victor Garber as the steadfast Mr. Andrews, to Gloria Stuart’s powerful foundation as old Rose. Over the course of 3 1/2 hours, we become so familiar with such a vast array of characters that when the time comes, we are fully, emotionally invested in their fates.

Of course, the real star of TITANIC is the ship and its tragic end.  No matter how you feel about the more basic elements of the movie, there can be no denying Cameron's genius here.  His attention to detail is nothing short of astonishing, allowing us to explore all of the ship's nooks and crannies and yes, even learn a thing or two.  And once the seemingly-unsinkable ship hits the iceberg and that hour-long climactic action set piece begins... my God, it is just as harrowing and eye-popping today as it was 15 years ago.  Knowing what we know about Cameron's obsession with the source material and devotion to his craft, it's hard to imagine any other filmmaker pulling it off quite so masterfully.  Simply put, the final hour of TITANIC is one of the most impressive achievements -- visually, emotionally, technically, you name it -- in the history of movie-making.

But hey, enough gushing about a movie we've all seen and, at this point, either love or hate regardless of anything I've written here.  The real question is: How does it look in 3D?  In a word: FANTASTIC. Post-converted 3D has been a slippery slope over the past couple of years -- more often than not, it looks like crap, especially compared to films that were specifically filmed with 3D cameras.  High-profile re-releases like BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, THE LION KING and STAR WARS: EPISODE I looked... okay... but nothing special beyond the pleasure of seeing them on the big screen.  Fortunately, aside from being the King of World, James Cameron is also the King of the Third Dimension, and he spared no expense. What's interesting is that the movie already had an immersive feel, loaded with so much detail that it practically touched upon all the senses.  But the 3D effects definitely serve to enhance the experience, adding new levels of visual depth, as well as working in more subtle ways when appropriate. It's incredibly well done.

There were three moments that I was really curious to see in 3D, as I felt they might serve as shining examples of its effectiveness (or not).  First was the sequence where Rose is making her way through the flooded lower-deck corridors looking for an imprisoned Jack. Next, an overhead shot of Jack & Rose fleeing down a staircase while Hockley is shooting at them from above, and a bullet hits the water and sends a splash back up towards the camera. Lastly, the climactic, first-person shot of the ship's final plunge into the ocean. If (when?) you see the movie, keep an eye out for these scenes in particular -- they all worked perfectly and made me very happy. (Also, Kate Winslet's curves in 3D? Spectacular.)

James Cameron didn't need to convert TITANIC into 3D. It's not like Scorsese's HUGO or Wenders' PINA where the technology is integral to the intended movie-watching experience. But if his intention was to prove that, when done right, post-converted 3D can be just as good as the real thing... well, he has succeeded. Of course, if you're a TITANIC fan, you owe it to yourself to see one of the grandest movies ever made on the big screen once again, regardless of the number of dimensions.  And if you've never seen it on the big screen because you were too young 15 years ago or something... you, young whippersnapper, are in for a treat.  Personally, I saw TITANIC four times during its original theatrical run... once at a special screening in 2002... once at the 3D advance screening in February... and yes, I'll be seeing it again tomorrow. Is my heart still going on after all these years? Yes, yes it is... and I'll never let go.

REVIEW: 21 Jump Street

There’s a moment early in 21 JUMP STREET in which the police deputy explains to officers Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) that the department’s new undercover program, wherein young-looking cops are sent back to high school to root out crime, is actually a rehash of an old program from the ‘80s because they’re out of original ideas. This is clearly meant to give the impression that we're about to embark on a smart, hip journey with an R-rated action-comedy that is cleverly aware of its roots, as well as its own silliness.

The truth is, that obvious meta joke is about as clever as it gets.

My guess is that co-writer/producer/star Jonah Hill and directors Phil Lord & Chris Miller were fans of the eponymous TV show that launched Johnny Depp’s career and decided that it'd be cool to remake it with a raunchy comedy twist. This may have sounded great on paper, but in practice, there's not much there. As an action film, it's not terribly exciting and as a comedy, it's not particularly funny. It doesn't even hold any nostalgic value for me, as I'm not sure I've ever seen a single episode of the show, though I'm sure the kitsch factor will appeal to some. Frankly, this movie struggles to achieve even the inoffensively-mediocre standards set by previous unnecessary ‘80s remakes such as THE KARATE KID and FOOTLOOSE.

In this version, Schmidt and Jenko are high school rivals (Schmidt was a fat loser; Jenko a jock bully) who later become friends when they help each other make it through the police academy. After graduating, they botch their first arrest attempt and find themselves reassigned to the undercover Jump Street division. They are sent back to high school to locate the source of a new synthetic drug and are meant to reprise their roles as geek and jock, but due to a case of mistaken identity and the fact that the school is weirdly post-modern, they suddenly find their roles reversed: Schmidt is now considered cool and Jenko is the outcast. Naturally, hijinks ensue. There's a lot of high school humor, action scenes and explosions, loud parties, even an over-stylized acid-trip. The film earns its R-rating with pervasive language and such, but save for a few of mild chuckles and here and there, just about every joke, gag and one-liner fall flat. (Admittedly, business does pick up a bit in the last half-hour with some solid climactic action and one particularly mind-blowing revelatory moment. If only we didn’t have to sit through 90 minutes of unfunny crap to get there.)

As a buddy-action-comedy duo, Hill & Tatum are... okay, I guess. The role-reversal / high school dynamic could have been interesting, but everything is so yawn-inducingly contrived. Of course former geek Schmidt will finally find out what it's like to be popular and let it go to his head. Of course former jock Jenko will eventually come to embrace his new geek brethren. Practically every plot point is predictable and uninspired -- which might not have been a big deal if it had some genuine laughs to fall back on.

I like Jonah Hill a lot, but I’m not sure what to make of him at this stage of his career. We know that he is capable of hilarity both extreme (SUPERBAD) and subtle (CYRUS) and has it in him to be a fine actor beyond our wildest expectations (MONEYBALL). But I’m not convinced that he is quite good enough to rise above crappy material. His worst movie, last year’s THE SITTER, was a trainwreck, and Hill’s shtick brought very little to the table. Unfortunately, the same holds true here. As for Channing Tatum, it’s clear that his talents do not extend much further than his past world of male modeling. On the scale of acting ability among current popular young stars, he ranks somewhere alongside Taylor Lautner and Sam Worthington. He has zero charisma and comic timing -- at times, it feels like they thawed out a Neanderthal, nudged him onto the set and let him mumble and lumber around in front of the camera. This might be sufficient in the sleepy romantic dramas for which he is primarily known, but in a fast-paced comedy like this, his shortcomings are all too evident.

On the supporting side, you’ve got, um, Ice Cube as the angry police captain who curses a lot and Rob Riggle as a creepy gym teacher... not exactly ground-breaking work for either of them. All of the high school kids are completely forgettable -- though one of them is James Franco’s younger brother, which is a mild curiosity. One bright spot in the cast is Ellie Kemper, who is quickly becoming the best part of everything she’s in. She manages to generate some laughs as a kooky science teacher with the hots for Jenko; unfortunately, she only has a handful of scenes.

21 JUMP STREET is currently 94% fresh on RottenTomatoes. The Twitterverse is abuzz with people who loved it and thought it was hilarious. It looks primed to be huge hit when it opens this weekend. All of this is just baffling to me. Not sure I've ever disagreed with my fellow critics and the general public more (last time was probably my anti-Natalie Portman / BLACK SWAN tirades, but at least that movie has some camp value). I mean, listen... I didn't need this to be some gritty reimagining of the source material (which would have meant nothing to me, anyway). I get the kind of vibe they're going for. The problem is that it’s just not funny. Am I being a little too harsh on what is essentially a silly popcorn flick? Perhaps. But if this is what passes for quality, universally-praised comedy these days, society is in bigger trouble than we thought. My only hope is that someone, somewhere, will read this and choose not to see it, and then maybe catch a few minutes on HBO in a few months and silently thank me for saving him or her $13. To that person, I say: You’re welcome!

OSCAR NIGHT 2012

Hello, friends, and welcome to my 7th annual LIVE moment-by-moment Oscar commentary! Depending upon who you talk to, tonight will either be a fun, frustrating or downright infuriating affair -- but personally, I’m psyched. Yeah, I’m also disappointed in the Academy for snubbing a number of the most Oscar-worthy performances (Shannon, Fassbender, Gosling, Dunst, Olsen, etc.)... but the fact is, I don’t outwardly dislike ANY of the major nominees. Three of my Top 10 films of 2011 are nominated for Best Picture, including my #1, HUGO, for which I will be rooting with great fervor. (Fun fact: My #1 movie of the year has not actually won Best Picture since THE RETURN OF THE KING in 2004, so it would be particularly exciting if HUGO pulls it out.) However, it looks like the night is poised to have a silent, black-and-white flair: THE ARTIST is the odds-on favorite to sweep, but seeing as how it was my #9 movie of the year, this is fine with me (frankly, I’m baffled by the anti-ARTIST backlash that has already permeated the interwebs). On the acting side, I’m rooting for Clooney over Dujardin, but I like ‘em both (though I’m REALLY rooting for a Gary Oldman upset!), and while I’d love to see Michelle Williams steal Best Actress from frontrunner Viola Davis, I’d have no problem with either of them (not to mention always-deserving Meryl Streep). Point being... unlike recent years when certain unfortunate developments (CRASH, THE KING’S SPEECH, Natalie Portman) have made me very angry, it seems there’s little chance of any unpleasant surprises this year. What will this mean for my commentary if I don’t start seething with drunken rage halfway through the show? Will drunken pleasantness be as entertaining? We shall see!

My LIVE running commentary will begin with Red Carpet Madness (starting with the telecast on E!, if you want to watch with me, though I might switch over to ABC at some point) at 6 p.m. EST sharp, followed by the 84th Academy Awards at 8:30. I’ll be updating this blog every few minutes with my play-by-play, observations, predictions, reactions, rants and random musings -- if it pops into my head, I will write it! Absolutely no censoring or filtering allowed. Be sure to bookmark this page and check back often... or keep your browser right here and click “refresh” constantly & obsessively. See ya in a few hours!

THE RED CARPET

6:00 – Aaaaaand here we go! I’m watching the E! red carpet show, starring Giuliana Rancic, who is looking more fish-like than ever. And now here’s Mila Jovovich, who I have loved for a long time. She looks great. And lest we forget, she kicks ass!

6:02 – They’re doing prediction polls on E! 70% for Octavia Spencer for supporting actress. No argument from me, though part of me is rooting for Janet McTeer....

6:06 – Seacrest was interviewing Wolfgang Puck and they’re talking about the food spread. Yeah, it’s still pretty early here on the red carpet. Now here’s Rose Byrne, star of the year’s most overrated film, BRIDESMAIDS. I like her in general, but meh. Melissa McCarthy is there... and now Wendi McLendon-Covey, who was the real scene-stealer in the film. BRIDESMAIDS chicks are showing up early!

6:11 – Hey, it’s Lea Thompson! And Ellie Kemper, who is funnier on THE OFFICE than everyone in BRIDESMAIDS combined! I promise I won’t rip on BRIDESMAIDS too much in this blog – I actually enjoyed the film – it’s just not Oscar-worthy, dammit! But man, Ellie Kemper is adorable. She’s my early red carpet favorite.

6:13 – Berenice Bejo, arguably the best part of THE ARTIST, is pretty. Also she’s got an accent and therefore I enjoy her.

6:19 – Clooney and Stacy Keibler have arrived! Still can’t believe they’re dating. That’s a big win for WWE Divas everywhere – normally they just pose for Playboy and then fade into obscurity.

6:20 – Okay, well, if they’re going to keep interviewing BRIDESMAIDS people, then I guess I have to keep badmouthing it: MELISSA McCARTHY DOES NOT DESERVE HER NOMINATION! If she does, then Carell should’ve won Best Actor for the far-superior 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN. Bah. Meanwhile... there was a Jessica Chastain sighting, and now Shailene Woodley, who should have gotten the supporting actress nod over you-know-who!

6:23 – Ooh, Judy Greer looks all slinky! That’s an unexpected pleasantry. Closer look at Jessica Chastain with the black & gold dress... stunning indeed... any year in which she shows up in 7 movies is a good year!

6:25 – Seacrest and Chastain just met for the first time... amusing stuff. Chastain looks luminous. And she is funny & personable. She has just leapfrogged Ellie Kemper to be my red carpet fav so far. And she brought her grandma, aww!

6:32 – I guess Clooney doesn’t really NEED another Oscar because he is George Clooney and he is dating Stacy Kiebler and her 60-something-inch legs. But I still hope he beats the French dude. (Though I really hope Gary Oldman beats ‘em both!)

6:35 – Clooney dominates the fan prediction poll for Best Actor. And now here’s fellow nominee Demian Bichir, who I just can’t get behind, since his nomination means that Michael Shannon, Michael Fassbender and Ryan Gosling got left out. Sorry, Demian... not your fault, but still.

6:42 – Whoa, Viola Davis looks bad-ass! She’s a great actress, no doubt, and would be a worthy winner even though I’m rooting against her. Rooney Mara... something weird going on there... and oh hey Maya Rudolph is cool. Glenn Close should have come in full Albert Nobbs attire. Clooney hugging Bichir is a tender moment between Best Actor noms, but I’m guessing Bichir would have preferred a hug from Keibler. The action is heating up on the red carpet now!

6:45 – Took me a minute to figure out who is on screen right now, but duh, it’s Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann! They are funny. But someone needs to let Apatow know that his movies – even the good ones – are always like 20 minutes too long.

6:47 – Giuliana just said that Stacy Keibler looks like Clooney’s “statue” in her gold dress. In my head I’m seeing Ralphie caressing the leg lamp in A CHRISTMAS STORY... “Yeahhh, a statue...”

6:51 – Lots of commercials during the E! red carpet show, no? Annoying. But it does give me many opportunities to stop tying and drink my beer.

6:53 – Michelle Williams is always a vision on the red carpet and tonight is no exception. I hope she wins! “I feel like [Kate Winslet] made a path and the rest of us get to follow it,” Williams says. I agree!

6:55 – Oh, here’s Rooney Mara. I guess it’s a big deal that she’s wearing white because she a;ways wears black? I dunno. She looks really, really ridiculously skinny. And with the bright red lipstick, alabaster skin and that hairdo, she looks like a geisha samurai. I can dig it.

6:56 – WOW, THE HELP wins the E! fan prediction poll? See, this is why you don’t let Joe Q. Moviegoer vote for the Oscars. It’s a good movie, but jeez, people.

6:58 – Cool, the coach from the documentary UNDEFEATED is there. I wonder if the guys who were wrongly jailed for killing children only to later be vindicated & freed thanks to the PARADISE LOST trilogy will be there, too?

7:02 – Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar nominee Jonah Hill! So weird to say that. Wait, is he getting fat again? God I hope so!

7:06 – Jean Dujardin is a charming French person. But I think he should’ve kept that mustache that he was rocking in THE ARTIST. Also I think Seacrest just slipped his phone number to the translator, Tanya. Smooth!

7:10 – Ohhhhhh shit, The Dictator has arrived on the red carpet! Though since the whole thing has been sanctioned by the Academy, it’s probably not going to be as funny as it would have been if Cohen had flat-out crashed.

7:11 – All of my BRIDESMAIDS bashing aside, I’m happy that Kristen Wiig has finally hit the big time. She has been the best thing on SNL for a long, long time! Plus she looks pretty good all gussied up!

7:14 – A closer look at Michelle Williams’ dress. They should just keep that on in the corner of the screen the whole time. And now here’s the cast of THE DESCENDANTS... my God, Matthew Lillard is on the damn red carpet. The Mayans were right about 2012....

7:17 – OH SHIT, Sacha Baron Cohen, as The Dictator, carrying an urn supposedly containing the remains of Kim Jong Il, just spilled the ashes all over Ryan Seacrest’s tux! HAHAHA! This was unscripted! They’re taking Cohen away! Seacrest is pissed! This is outstanding!

7:19 – Hehehe, the best part of this whole thing is how legitimately pissed Seacrest was. Dude is all covered with ashes and he had to consciously restrain himself from throwing a hissy-fit – you could see it in his face. I thought the whole Dictator thing was going to be tempered down but clearly Sacha Baron Cohen remains one of the great unpredictable comedy geniuses of the moment. All hail the Dictator!

7:24 – Heh, I just wondered aloud if Tina Fey was getting chunky and Rachel reminded me that she was pregnant. Oh yeah. And now here’s J-Lo for some reason? I mean, I guess I can see the reason(s). Oh God, now Seacrest is telling J-Lo what happened with the Dictator – he is going to talk about this to everybody he encounters. Dude has just been scarred for life. Hilarious!

7:26 – Whoa, ol’ Fish Face Rancic with the line of the night so far: “Who are YOU wearing, Ryan, that’s the question!” Kudos!

7:28 – Emma Stone’s dress is wacky but I like the way she describes her accessories. “Louis Vuitton... jewels?” She rules. Hey, where’s her boyfriend, Spider-Man?

7:32 – Wait, I just figured it out: Rooney Mara looks like a geisha samurai as portrayed by Jennifer Connelly. Except she’s not as bodacious.

7:37 – This red carpet recap segment is taking a really long time, so I guess I should recap my favorites so far, too. Ellie Kemper. Jessica Chastain. Michelle Williams. Stacy Keibler. And of course, Ryan Seacrest covered in ash. Hehe.

7:40: Bah, E! has apparently given up on the red carpet – perhaps Seacrest finally went off the deep end? I’m switching over to the ABC telecast to see what’s happenin’ over there!

7:43 – Umm, first of all, why are the ABC cameras shooting with what appears to be some kind of red filter over the lens? This aura is weird. Colin Firth is so damn charming. And now there’s a montage of a kid from a TV show trying to see all 9 Best Picture nominees in one day. Okie doke.

7:45 – Dujardin is back and may be the happiest guy on the red carpet. Monsieur is always smiling! More raving over Michelle Williams and her coral dress – I’m right there with ya, Tim Gunn.

7:47 – By the way, wanna know what I’M wearing? A TITANIC t-shirt that I got at an advance screening a couple of weeks ago + STAR WARS PJ pants. Clooney and Dujardin ain’t got nothin’ on me!

7:51 – Has Jennifer Lopez ever NOT worn a dress with a big gap down the front? Not that I’m complaining. And now here’s Nick Nolte, a completely baffling nomination in my opinion. Hehe, Nolte can’t understand a word this woman is saying. And he’s apparently going to rock the sunglasses a la Jack Nicholson tonight, so that’s cool.

7:55 – Good point by Zack Galifianakis – if comics were accepted by the Academy and other such entities, they wouldn’t be comics! Looks crazy without his full beard, though – didn’t even realize it was him at first. And now Penelope Cruz... muy bonita! Add her to the top 5 (again)!

8:00 – Okay, gang, Indian food has arrived so it’s time for me to take a quick break. Can’t believe these two hours of red carpet madness have come & gone already! See you in a half-hour for the big show!

THE 84th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS

8:30 – It’s showtime! And, um, it looks like Billy Crystal is doing an awesome Morgan Freeman impression! No, it’s really Morgan Freeman... Crystal couldn’t replicate that voice. He’s talking about the magic & glory of cinema. “This is the 84th Annual Academy Awards!” And there’s Billy in a silent film parody! Clooney visits comatose Billy in the hospital – and a kiss, ew! Billy and the MONEYBALL team try to write some Oscar jokes. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS with Justin Bieber to get the younger demographic! The Beebs and Sammy Davis Jr. are gonna go kill Hitler! “Have fun storming the Fuhrer!” Uh-oh, Billy is eating Octavia Spencer’s pie... which segues into the first BRIDESMAIDS / poop joke of the night. Billy wearing 3D glasses as Tom Cruise busts in... and now it’s a TINTIN shout-out! Excellent! A world of film reels with POTTER and Puss-in-Boots and stuff. And Billy is ready for the big show! Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Crystal, yaaaaaay!

8:36 – Heh, oh yeah, it’s not called the Kodak theatre anymore. That’s weird. A shout-out to James Earl Jones’ baseball speech in FIELD OF DREAMS, and now Billy sings about Best Picture nominees! Classic! Missed ya, Billy!

8:42 – Oh yeah, awards and stuff. Here’s Tom Hanks... or perhaps this is Evil Tom Hanks, since he has a goatee? That’s frightening. Cinematography is up first. Yikes, reading the nominees too fast... and the winner is HUGO!?! WOW! Could this be a harbinger of awesomeness to come?! Amazing! And now Art Direction... tough category here... would love to see HUGO win again but POTTER needs some love. And HUGO WINS AGAIN! Two for two! What’s happening?! I’m ecstatic! Keep it going! “This is for Marty and for Italy!” YEAH BABY!

8:50 – Hey, Billy, I’ll have you know that I’ve seen nearly 300 movies in theatres since the bedbug epidemic began in NYC and I haven’t gotten ‘em yet! And heeeeeeere’s a montage, about movie magic, I guess, starting with FORRREST GUMP! TITANIC, which is still awesome. LEGENDS OF THE FALL, ha, I just made a joke about Brad Pitt’s hair on Twitter. AVATAR, ok… AMELIE, yay! APOLLO 13, INDY, HANGOVER, nice! “Those aren’t pillows!” Austin Powers, CAPE FEAR, THE GODFATHER! “You can’t handle the truth!” FRENCH CONNECTION, EXORCIST... STAR WARS all over the place! “I’ll be right heeeeere,” I’m crying! ROCKY, “I’ll have what she’s having!” Nice one!

8:54 – J-Lo and Cameron Diaz are blinding in both their bright shiny dresses AND their combined hotness (yes, still). Nominees for Costume Design. ANONYMOUS, can’t count out a Shakespearean era flick. THE ARTIST and HUGO both captured the same era in different countries. JANE EYRE and W.E., more period pieces. And the Oscar goes to... THE ARTIST! So it’s war you want, is it? Well, okay! HUGO vs. THE ARTIST... FIGHT!

8:56 – J-Lo is dangerously close to a wardrobe malfunction (to quote Dave Chappelle, “Come onnnnn, titty!”) and it’s Best Makeup time. ALBERT NOBBS, meh, Glenn Close already kinda looks like a man. I’m rooting for POTTER here – for God’s sake, one of the great cinematic acheivements of the past decade needs at least ONE damn Oscar! THE IRON LADY, meh, it was good, but mostly a testament to Streep’s acting. WHOA, J-Lo and Diaz just turned around & showed their butts! Who the hell won? Oh, shit, THE IRON LADY. Well that’s a shame.

8:59 – Ben Stiller talks about going to the movies. Now Morgan Freeman, and Adam Sandler, and cutie Reese Witherspoon, and Brad Pitt, and Steve Carell. Hilary Swank. Tom Cruise. Helen Mirren. Barbra is like buttah. They all love going to the movies just like you and me!

9:05 – Sandra Bullock has apparently had a close encounter with the alien race that did a number of Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger. Scary. Best Foreign Film time... I’ve seen two of these, A SEPARATION, the odds-on favorite, and BULLHEAD, which was decent. And the Oscar goes to A SEPARATION! Outstanding film (and in my top 10 of the year)! For those keeping score, I am not 3-for-5. Not bad.

9:09 – Nice quip by Billy about the Republican presidential candidates being a bunch of wackos. And now last year’s Supporting Actor winner, Christian Bale, is here to present Supporting Actress. Berenice Bejo may be the heart of THE ARTIST. Jessica Chastain was all over the place in 2011 and THE HELP was her best work. Forget Melissa McCarthy... what a joke. Janet McTeer could maybe pull an upset for breathing life into ALBERT NOBBS, and she should DEFINITELY win for Best Revelatory Breast-Baring in a Gender-Bending Motion Picture. Octavia Spencer was fantastic in THE HELP and is my choice and will probably win. And the Oscar goes to... OCTAVIA SPENCER! Well deserved! Standing O! Emotional speech! Don’t you dare cut her off! Aww, yay!

9:18 – Hehehe, after Billy Crystal saw THE HELP, he wanted to hug the first black woman he saw, which from Beverly Hills was about a 45-minute drive. And now... rare footage from a focus group for THE WIZARD OF OZ? Hehe, oh my god, it’s the Christophe Guest troupe! This is amazing! "Fred Willard likes the flying monkeys! “Lots of elevator faces in this movie,” says Stiffler’s mom. “I didn’t particularly care for the rainbow song.” Guest & Co. just won the Oscars!

9:22 – WOW, nice porno mustache, Bradley Cooper! That is awesome! He and Tina Fey are presenting Best Editing, which is often a harbinger of things to come later in the evening. Naturally I’m rooting for HUGO, but I actually think MONEYBALL and DRAGON TATTOO were exceptionally well-constructed. And the Oscar goes to... DRAGON TATTOO! That is outstanding! Fincher films have a very particular feel to them and the editing is a big part of that. Nifty choice, and totally throws the usual Best Picture predictor out the window.

9:25 – Sound Editing is next. I’m actually going against HUGO for this one and picking TRANSFORMERS or WAR HORSE and WHOA, HUGO wins! That’ll teach me! Yay, HUGO, even though it F’s up my ballot! Man, I can’t stop looking at Bradley Cooper’s mustache. I guess HUGO will probably win Sound Mixing now, too, but again, I’m going for TRANSFORMERS or WAR HORSE. I mean, say what you want about TRANSFORMERS but the sound is insane. And the Oscar goes to HUGO again! Yay! Keep ‘em coming, Academy!

9:34 – KERMIT AND PIGGY IN THE HOUSE! Whoa whoa whoa... they’re introduced the Cirque du Soleil performance, which is being including at the expense of letting the Muppets sing their Oscar-nominated song?? That is adding insult to injury! I’m so annoyed I can’t even be bothered to pay attention to this movie-themed Cirque act. And I’m sure as hell not writing about it! LET THE MUPPETS SING, DAMMIT!!! WE WANT MORE MUPPETS!!!

9:39 – Billy compares this year’s Oscars to a bar mitzvah, and now he’s talking about oldsters Christopher Plummer and Max von Sydow. “Next year this will be called the Flomax Theatre!” And now here come Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr., who is filming a documentary called THE PRESENTER, hehe. God, Gwyneth’s suckitude is directly proportional to Downey’s awesomeness. And the Best Doc nominees are here. I’m rooting for the amazing PINA, but pretty sure PARADISE LOST 3 will win because, for God’s sake, it was responsible for releasing innocent men from prison. And the winner is UNDEFEATED??!  Holy crap. Just saw that on Friday and didn’t think there was much to it. WOW, harsh speech cut-off with the music and then turning off the mics. They’re not fucking around this year!

9:45 – Chris Rock is apparently trying to bring back the Nat X afro. Nice! Rachel just looked it up and apparently this is the first time Rock has been back to the Oscars since he hosted in 2005. Wonder why? He’s good! Let him host again, maybe. best Animated Feature is next! Weird nominees here. I think I’m officially rooting for CHICO & RITA, which reminded me of a mix between ONCE and LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA. And the Oscar goes to RANGO! No surprises there... it’s easily the best mainstream animated film this year (since Pixar took the year off). For the record, my kitten, Shea, was rooting for A CAT IN PARIS....

9:51 – Uh-oh, Melissa McCarthy putting the moves on Billy. And Billy succumbs! That was funny, but she’s still not Oscar-worthy, sorry. And here’s Ben Stiller and Emma Stone, who is all wrapped up in a tidy little package with a big red bow. Aww, it’s Emma’s first time presented an award! She’s adorbs and basking in the moment. This is amusing. “We should have some banter!” Holy crap, Emma Stone is awesome and very easy to love. And now, Visual Effects. This is POTTER’s last chance to win an Oscar... unfortunately it’s up against RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, which will surely win for the incredible mo-cap work. And the Oscar goes to... HUGO! Wow! How about that!

9:57 – Billy with a little tip of the cap to the POTTER franchise, which is shockingly Oscar-less after all these years. And here’s Melissa Leo to present Best Supporting Actor. Branagh was great as Sir Lawrence Olivier in a film about great actors that was filled with great acting. Oscar nominee Jonah Hill with a loud ovation from the Oscar crowd! Nick Nolte, meh... he looks like a drunk Kenny Rogers all of a sudden. Aww, the score from BEGINNERS fills me with emotion. No way Plummer doesn’t win. Max von Sydow with the gimmick nod. And 82-year-old Christopher Plummer, wearing a velvet tux, wins his first-ever Oscar! Oldest actor ever to win an Oscar! Outstanding! And so deserved – if you haven’t seen BEGINNERS yet, please rent it immediately!  “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb, I was rehearsing my Oscar speech.” And a shout-out to the man, Ewan McGregor! Awesome speech. Best winner moment of the night so far (with due respect to Octavia).

10:05 – Commercial for TITANIC 3D. I saw an advance screening a couple of weeks ago and loved it all over again. The movie is still awesome and the 3D is astonishingly well-done. See it in April!

10:08 – Hehe, Billy is now going to tell us what the stars are thinking. Brad Pitt has six parent-teacher conferences to attend in the morning! Morgan Freeman voices over himself! Marty is manic! Nolte is Frankenstein! Hey, it’s the dog from THE ARTIST! I still prefer the dog from BEGINNERS. (And Shea prefers the cat from A CAT IN PARIS – seriously, when I watched it the other day, Shea would glance at the TV screen whenever the movie cat meowed. It ruled.)

10:10 – President of the Academy, blah blah words. Cue the orchestra and turn off the mic! Oh, and LET THE MUPPETS SING!!!! “Thank you Tom, and thank you for whipping the crowd into a frenzy,” says Billy. Hahaha!

10:12 – Stars of two great recent Woody Allen films, Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz, who looks phenomenal as always. Best Original Score is a meh category tonight because some of the best are nowhere to be found (BEGINNERS, hello!). But we DO have a double-dose of John Williams, and I would be very happy if he were to win. THE ARTIST probably wins, even though it stole from VERTIGO. HUGO is sweepingly epic. Whoa, almost forgot TINKER TAILOR existed. If HUGO wins this, then a true sweep may be in store... and the winner is... THE ARTIST! Well, okay, that’s cool. Was getting my hopes up too much! But I do love THE ARTIST!

10:16 – Hahahaah, Will Ferrell and Zack Galifiankis come out wearing white tuxes and crashing cymbals! This is going to be awesome. “I’m Zag Gagifagiabakkis.” They’re presenting Best Original Song, which will follow in the footsteps of such former winners as “When YOu Wish Upon a Star,” “The Way We Were” and “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”... hehe. Obviously the Muppets are winning this one... cymbals dropping all over the place... and the Oscar goes to... “MAN OR MUPPET” from THE MUPPETS!!! YAY!!! NOW LET THE MUPPETS SING!!! Bret McKenzie with the nod to the legend of Jim Henson. Jason Segel beaming in the audience (should have maybe been allowed up on stage, too?). Good stuff!

10:24 – Billy suggests that he & Clooney buy the Dodgers and then flubs his intro for the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Angelina Jolie. Holy leg, Angelina! I think she’s presenting Adapted Screenplay, but I am entranced by the leg. Gotta admit, haven’t been so enraptured by Angie since that topless scene in GIA. I’m rooting for HUGO here, but I’m guessing THE DESCENDANTS will get the win. Or maybe MONEYBALL? And the Oscar goes... Alexander Payne & Co. for THE DESCENDANTS! This probably means HUGO’s run is over. But guess what? I loved THE DESCENDANTS, too – it just missed my Top 10. Funny when the guy did the Angelina leg pose. Hehe.

10:28 – Oh, Angie is still here to present Original Screenplay. THE ARTIST is the favorite here, but how awesome would it be if MIDNIGHT IN PARIS won?? Ah, to hell with BRIDESMAIDS, as much as I love Kristen Wiig. MARGIN CALL was honored big-time at the Spirit Awards yesterday. A SEPARATION is an intriguing choice. But god, I love love love MIDNIGHT IN PARIS! Come onnnn, Woody! And the Oscar goes to WOODY ALLEN FOR MIDNIGHT IN PARIS!!! YES YES YES!!! SO AWESOME! Arguably the Woodster’s best film in decades... maybe ever... I love it so much.

10:31 – Oh, more movie memories & musings from movie stars. I missed the first bunch of these because I was busy exulting over Woody Allen’s win. Tremendous. Hehe, surprised they didn’t quickly edit Sacha Baron Cohen’s clip out of this. Adam Sandler, stop being serious... you’re done. Ooh short films are up next!

10:36 – Hey Mila Jovovich, how’s it goin’? Whatcha doin’ after the show? Um, I mean, oh hey, she was the annual hottie to present the tech awards to the geeks! As a geek myself, that may be my favorite Oscar tradition.

10:38 – And now here come all the BRIDESMAIDS, including Ellie Kemper, who remains one of my favorites of the night as far as lookin’ good. Did that make sense? I dunno, I’m tipsy. Wiig & Rudolph are talking and now they’re presenting Live Action Short. Very strong category this year. Come on TIME FREAK!!! Though THE SHORE was the very good, too. And the winner is... THE SHORE! That’s cool... it did, after all, star one of my fav actors, CIARAN HINDS!

10:41 – Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy are playing the Oscar drinking game and took a shot when someone said Scorsese! Best Doc Short is up next. I’m rooting for the TSUNAMI AND THE CHERRY BLOSSOM, but I bet GOD IS THE BIGGER ELVIS wins because it was not screened for some reason. And the Oscar goes to... SAVING FACE! Well, all right, no problem there... it was my second-fav. See, I’m happy about everything tonight!

10:44 – Now Wendy McLendon-Covey and my girl Ellie Kemper are presented Animated Short. I think Pixar is going to win this one with the lovely LA LUNA, but don’t count out MR. MORRIS LESSMORE. Aaaaaaaand... LESSMORE wins! Bah! Okay, this is the first time I’m pissed tonight. LA LUNA was by far the best. Lousy anti-Pixar short film bias! By the way, I’ve stopped keeping track of my prediction record because it ain’t good (but that’s only because I stupidly voted against HUGO and lost three times!).

10:50 – Michael Douglas, the original Occupier of Wall Street (good one, Billy) is here and is cool as ever. Wow, we’re up to Best Director already? Holy shit, as Rachel just pointed out, this is a key moment. COME ONNNNN, MARTY! Michel H. (forgot to program a macro for his last name, oops) is probably the favorite, but who knows after HUGO’s strong showing early? Alexander Payne is always good (he’s literally never made a film). Woody Allen... imagine if he won again?? Maybe we could see a MIDNIGHT IN PARIS upset in the end! Nah (but it’d be awesome). Oh yeah, almost forgot about Malick and TREE OF LIFE. COME ON MARTY!!! Do the right thing, AcademY! And the Oscar goes to... Michel Havabndhdhmnnciicius. Damn. I mean, yay? I do love THE ARTIST. But I really thought HUGO had a shot! Damn! Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Arthur from BEGINNERS would kick Uggie from THE ARTIST’s doggy ass!

10:51 – Hey, remember the last time Meryl Streep won an oscar? I don’t, because I was like 5 years old. Streep introduced the governor’s awards, I think? I don’t know. But James Earl Jones was given a lifetime achievement award and they showed clips from EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and THE LION KING and that was awesome! And Oprah got something, too. Cue David Letterman: Oprah… Vader… Vader… Oprah. Hehe, I’m cracking myself up. OH SHIT IN MEMORIAM IS NEXT!

11:03 – Sad music has kicked in, Billy Crystal is talking about fallen Oscar producers. And now In Memoriam begins as some Afro Lady sing “What a Wonderful World.” Jane Russell, shit. Whoa, Whitney Houston made it in already (sometimes they wait till the following year). Aw man, Peter Falk, one of my late grandfather’s favs... maybe they’re solving crimes together in Heaven. Sidney Lumet, damn... what a titan. Steve Jobs counts because of Pixar. Ben Gazzara! And of course, Elizabeth Taylor... goddamn. Yep, I’m sad now. Did they miss anybody?

11:11 – Make a wish! Shit, wait, I didn’t wish for another “actors sharing their movie musings” segment. But Phillip Seymour Hoffman rules, as does Edward Norton, as does Robert Downey Jr. I honestly have not listened to a word any of these guys have said in any of these segments. NEXT!

11:12 – “Last year’s winner for Best Actress, Natalie Portman”... still rankles my chain. (Is that a saying? It is now.) Oh, they’re going back to the thing where the presenter speaks directly to each nominee. Demian Bichir, eh, I dunno, I just didn’t think he was that great. Maybe I’m wrong (believe it or not, it’s happened before). Clooney WAS great in THE DESCENDANTS, even though it’s hard to believe that his wife would have cheated on him with Matthew Lillard. (Natalie DOES look mighty fine, by the way. I’m still allowed to lust after her even though she’s a shitty actress.) Jean Dujardin is the odds-on favorite here, even though his ARTIST mustache has now been outshined by Bradley Cooper’s. GARY OLDMAN needs to win because he was awesome in TINKER TAILOR and he’s awesome ALL THE TIME and deserves some recognition (also, remember when he & Natalie were THE PROFESSIONAL together?). Brad Pitt was great in MONEYBALL, the best baseball movie in many years. And the Oscar goes to… MICHAEL SHANNON FOR TAKE SHELTER! Oh wait, sorry, that’s what it SHOULD have been. The actual Oscar goes to... Jean Dujardin for THE ARTIST! .................................... <— that was me being silent. Because it’s a silent film, ya see. I’ve got a book coming out!

11:24 – Colin Firth is here to present Best Actress. Whoa whoa whoa... Glenn Close is an acTRESS?! (Imagine me saying that in Danny DeVito’s LORAX voice and it’s mildly funnier.) ALBERT NOBBS was a weird movie. Viola Davis looks awesome with the natural hairdo and she was awesome in THE HELP and will probably win here (it would be the first time two African-American women won in the same year... just throwing that out there). Rooney Mara was not even the best Lisbeth Salander we’ve seen recently, so she should not win. Meryl Streep has been nominated 17 times and has only won twice and not since 1982... crazy. THE IRON LADY sucked but through no fault of hers. Yay Michelle Williams – she fully embodied Marilyn and it was something to see. I was rooting for her last year for BLUE VALENTINE and I’m rooting for her again now! And the Oscar goes to MERYL FUCKING STREEP! WOWOW! I am seriously shocked! Hahaha, she is awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re looking at the greatest actress of our lifetime. Maybe of all time. She could probably have 17 Oscars right now on some level. An awesome awesome awesome moment!

11:32 – Tom Cruise comes out the Mission Impossible theme to present Best Picture! Well, it’s all come down to this and I’m guessing THE ARTIST will be the winner. But hey, maybe HUGO still has some life left in it! MONEYBALL would be the first baseball movie ever to win. THE DESCENDANTS is fantastic. THE HELP is powerful. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is joyous. WAR HORSE was a pure Spielbergian old-school epic. TREE OF LIFE is, um, complex and stuff. EXTREMELY LOUD isn’t nearly as bad as everyone seems to think (but it shouldn’t be here). What’s it gonna be folks? What’s... it... gonna... be? And the Oscar goes to... THE ARTIST! The first silent film to win Best Picture since the very first Best Picture! I guess I’m a little bummed because for a brief, shining moment, I really thought HUGO had a shot – but THE ARTIST is a fantastic film and a a worthy win (we’ll just have to keep waiting for my #1 movie to win best Picture). Aaaaaaand that’s a wrap!


Well, hey, not a bad show this year! Got excited early when HUGO picked up a flurry of technical awards, but it couldn’t withstand THE ARTIST juggernaut in the end. That’s okay – I loved both movies, and in fact, I’m pretty pleased with most of the winners. The only one I’m kind of pissed about is Best Animated Short, because I thought Pixar’s LA LUNA was by far the best... but the winner, MR. MORRIS LESSMORE, was probably my second favorite, so even that wasn’t too bad. Definitely no rage-inducing debacles like in past years! Super surprising awesome Best Actress win for Meryl Streep, but otherwise the acting awards went to their expected recipients (Spencer, Plummer and Dujardin). I also REALLY loved that Woody Allen and MIDNIGHT IN PARIS won Best Original Screenplay. A pleasant evening all in all! Billy Crystal was great, as always, despite the lack of Jack Palance references (could’ve said something about the late Palance spotting God in the weight room or something, I dunno) – though I’d love to see Christopher Guest & Co. or the Muppets host next year! Or bring back Chris Rock and turn him loose! Or just let Billy do it until he dies, that’s fine. I think I only actually predicted 7 winners of however-many categories, which is pitiful and would not have won me any Oscar pools... but that’s what I get for voting with my heart. Hottest actresses of the night: Let’s go with Jessica Chastain, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Williams, Natalie Portman (yeah, what of it?), Penelope Cruz, J-Lo’s areola and Angelina Jolie’s leg! If you made it all the way through this epic commentary (close to 6,000 words!), I salute you and thank you from the bottom of my heart! Goodnight everybody... and Hail the Dictator!