OSCAR NIGHT 2014

Hello, my friends, and welcome to my 9th annual LIVE, moment-by-moment, stream-of-consciousness Oscar commentary! I started doing this on my old MySpace blog back in 2006 -- CRASH won Best Picture that year, beating out MUNICH and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, and I was not a happy camper. What a long, strange trip it’s been since then! I know there are many different live-blogging and live-tweeting options available to you tonight, so thanks for stopping by. I know I can’t compete with Portland’s feminist bookstore or Woodstock from Peanuts, but I will do my damnedest to entertain. Plus, hey, I’ve seen every nominee in every category except for one elusive foreign film (ironically, THE MISSING PICTURE), so my musings will be more informed than most! [pats self on back]

We should be in for a fun night. I like (or, at least, don’t outwardly hate) pretty much all nominees so the proceedings should be relatively rage-free. However, there are plenty of storylines to keep an eye on as the night progresses. First and foremost, of course, is the battle between 12 YEARS A SLAVE and GRAVITY. The two films (both of which made my Top 10) should pick up their share of gold throughout the night, but will the Academy give the big prize to the challenging, important picture or the mind-blowing sci-fi spectacle? Meanwhile, will AMERICAN HUSTLE be a factor at all, or has its ship sailed? My personal #1 movie of the year, BEFORE MIDNIGHT, only picked up one nod (Best Adapted Screenplay) and my #2, INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS, got snubbed in the major categories, but my #3, HER, is up for several awards and surrounded by great buzz -- I’d love to see it pick up Original Screenplay and/or Production Design. Will the Age of McConaughey reach its apex tonight or will DiCaprio finally get his long-overdue statue? Jared Leto seems pretty close to a lock, but could Barkhad Abdi pull off an upset? Will Cate Blanchett be adversely affected by the recent Woody Allen controversy, perhaps paving the way for Amy Adams to snag her first award in five tries? Best Supporting Actress pits America’s past sweetheart, Julia Roberts, against its current sweetheart, Jennifer Lawrence -- but that award belongs to the luminous Lupita Nyong’o, right? Could Disney pull off a trifecta of Animated Feature (FROZEN), Original Song (“Let It Go”) and Animated Short (GET A HORSE), thus officially ushering in a new golden age? Is there any chance the great John Williams picks up his first win in 20 years? So many questions... I’m getting myself all riled up!

My LIVE running commentary will begin with Red Carpet Madness (starting with the telecast on E!, if you want to watch with me, though I might switch over to ABC at some point) at 6 p.m. EST sharp, followed by the 86th Academy Awards at 8:30. I’ll be updating this blog every few minutes with my play-by-play, observations, predictions, reactions, rants and random musings -- absolutely no filtering allowed! And as an added bonus: I will be drinking heavily! Be sure to bookmark this page and check back often... or keep your browser right here and click “refresh” constantly & obsessively. See you soon!

THE RED CARPET

6:00 – Aaaaaaand away we go! I’m watching the E! red carpet show and it is already rough. Seacrest and Giuliana were playing a “guess the Oscar nominee based on their parents” game and I wanted to shoot myself before we even started. Now Kelly Osborne and the other people whose names I don’t know are talking about God knows what. WE’RE LIVE, FOLKS!

6:01 – Now Giuliana and the one nameless guy are talking about Lupita Nyong’o and how she is going to light up the red carpet when she arrives. So true – that might be more anticipated than the awards themselves.

6:07 – Kelly and the other nameless guy are raving about Sandra Bullock’s past outfits. Sandra is cool. She will probably will not win an Oscar tonight but GRAVITY will win many – including, I think, Best Picture.

6:11 – Hmm, maybe I started this live blog too early. There have been more commercials than Red Carpet stuff in the first 11 minutes. Fortunately, my Thai food has arrived! And I’m on my second beer (following a big Bloody Mary earlier). Hold onto your butts.

6:14 – Oh, hey, a celeb! It’s Viola Davis. She’s good. And she is wearing green, which is my go-to color also. High five, Viola!

6:16 – Whoa, Liza Minnelli is there. And Olivia Wilde, who is an absolutely perfect specimen. I think I saw Kristen Chenoweth. And Portia de Rossi is there... okay!

6:18 – Charlize Theron dress retrospective, never a bad thing. And Portia de Rossi is now talking to Seacrest. Oh yeah, duh, I just realized that she is there because Ellen is there. I’m a little slow sometimes. Need more beer to get the synapses clicking!

6:19 – Kristen Chenoweth in E!’s special new 360-degree dress cam. You might say that she is quite… popular so far. Get it? Popular? WICKED? I’ll be here all night!

6:24 – GRAVITY vs. 12 YEARS A SLAVE discussion happening now. It could go either way, and maybe 12 YEARS should take it, but I have a feeling that it’s gonna be GRAVITY – which will also win a slew of technical awards and probably Director. And now, Kristen Chenoweth is back and talking about short girl tweets? I like short girls and tweets... sign me up!

6:26 – Anna Kendrick on the right side of the screen – that’s good! Meanwhile Seacrest is asking about the status of the 50 SHADES OF GREY movie. That’s bad.

6:28 – FIRST AMY ADAMS SIGHTING! She is wearing navy blue and looking amazing as always. “Get everyone out of the way,” Kelly Osborne and I exclaim at the same time! We wanna see Amy. But wait, there’s Olivia Wilde again – an absolute goddess. Suddenly business is picking up!

6:30 – Barkhad Abdi should grab the mic from Seacrest and say, “Look at me... I’m the red carpet host now.” Please!

6:32 – Idina Menzel also wearing dark green and looking fantastic. She is going to bring the house down when she performs “Let It Go” later. (Remember, she didn’t get to sing any of the three Oscar-nominated ENCHANTED songs, so this is six years worth of pent-up Disney kick-assery that she is getting ready to unleash!)

6:39 – Olivia Wilde is back on my TV screen. God she is perfect. She is married to Jason Sudekis, which gives hope to dorky funny guys everywhere.

6:41 – Chiwetel Ejiofor is in the house. He’s third on my Best Actor list but I would have no problem if he won. Also, remember when he was married to Keira Knightley in LOVE ACTUALLY?

6:43 – Seacrest surprised Ejiofor with an old pic of him & his sister as kids, and then his sister (who works for CNN) appeared with a video greeting. Nice moment, if a bit awkward. And now Amy Adams is here! I love her so much! She is a five-time Oscar nominee... that’s approaching Kate Winslet territory. Of course, Seacreast brings up the kiss with J-Law in AMERICAN HUSTLE. What a perv.

6:46 – Idina Menzel is strange but sexy. I’d like for her to sing to me during intimate moments.

6:47 – LUPITA NYONG’O HAS ARRIVED. She looks amazing in a light blue dress and... shit, she’s gone already! Not acceptable. I think we need a Lupita-cam in the corner of the screen all night.

6:50 – Pharrell Williams is wearing tuxedo shorts. I don’t know who Pharrell Williams is. (I’m old.)

6:52 – Bruce Dern was great in NEBRASKA and has a strong hold on the “crotchety old dude” role at the show tonight. Also, Laura Dern! Dr. Sattler, I refuse to believe that you aren't familiar with the concept of attraction.

6:57 – Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy and Richard Linklater are in the house! BEFORE MIDNIGHT was my #1 movie of the year. The BEFORE trilogy is one of the finest trilogies ever forged. MIDNIGHT has no chance at winning Best Adapated Screenplay, but if it did, you would hear my whoops of joy all around the world.

7:00 – Lupita! Lupita! Lupita! Lupita! Lupita! She looks absolutely spectacular. She is gorgeous and I love her voice. Her little finger crawl into the mani-cam was adorable. I think, now, at the end of this long awards season, I am officially falling in love with Lupita Nyong’o!

7:03 – Naomi Watts looks lovely in a white stucco dress of some kind. But she always looks lovely. Too bad she hasn’t made a good movie in several years – that being said, everybody add ADORE to your Netflix queues. It is so bad and trashy, it’s good!

7:04 – If by some weird chance Lupita and J-Law cancel each other out in the Supporting Actress race, I wouldn’t mind seeing June Squibb swoop in and steal it. She was the best part of NEBRASKA. Heh, Jared Leto has arrived and is hamming it up with Ms. Squibb! His hair looks luxurious. Gotta wonder how Angela Chase is feeling tonight.…

7:13 – Benedict Cumberbatch is in the house and the Internet is probably exploding all around us. (Ladies love the Cummerbund.) He was very good in SLAVE and the best part of the otherwise mediocre AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY. Might have made a good Grand Admiral Thrawn, too. (Just saying.)

7:16 – Kevin Spacey looking dapper. I still need to watch HOUSE OF CARDS (I know, I know... I’m slow when it comes to TV.) And now Spacey is bumped to the inset while LUPITA graces the main screen. God she is luminous. And there’s Amy Adams again – a low-key dress compared to some other ones she has worn this season, but she is still a doll. And, whoa, Jessica Biel! Where has she been hiding?

7:19 – Bette Midler is here. She is going to sing later but all I can think about are various Simpsons quotes. “Oh no... Bette Midler!” “I’ll get you for this Midlerrrr!”

7:20 – Sally Hawkins is a cutie and was very good in BLUE JASMINE – she held her own in a movie otherwise dominated by Cate the Great.

7:22 – Ahh, there’s Cate Blanchett. She looks great and is the best ever and has to be a lock to win Best Actress. Seriously, no other nominee even comes close. She is the goddess of goddesses!

7:28 – Matthew McConaughey is here and looking dapper in a white jacket, of course. He is the man. Also, his mom looks a hell of a lot like Helen Mirren – that would explain the good genes!

7:30 – Oh my God, tell me Jennifer Lawrence didn’t ALREADY trip on the red carpet while wearing a red dress. That’s so J-Law!

7:33 – Hardcore analysis about Cate Blanchett’s dress happening now. The verdict: She looks goooooood. (This is why Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osborne get the big bucks, folks.) Now they’re focusing on the gloriousness that is Lupita, and so am I, so I apologize for any tytpos that may rewsult.

7:36 – Charlize Theron dress analysis now. She is wearing black and dear lord. Lest we forget, Charlize is a goddess, too.

7:39 – Just realized that the E! show has started doing these hardcore dress analyses because ABC has commandeered the Red Carpet stuff. So I’m switching over now... and there’s Leo! Really rooting for him to win his first, long-awaited Oscar. Not sure there’s any stopping the Age of McConaughey but here’s hoping!

7:43 – The ABC red carpet show is fun because they amplify the cheers & screams of the crowd a lot more than E! But, uhh, something about the “Team Oscar” young filmmakers competition? Or something? I don’t know. WHERE’S LUPITA AND J-LAW AND AMY AND CHARLIZE??

7:47 – Uhhhh, my cable just farted out a couple of times. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, TIME WARNER CABLE. I’VE GOT AEREO BOOKMARKED. 

7:51 – Oh yeah, Jamie Foxx’s daughter. She’s a cutie, too. And now a look at Fashion in Film... I think AMERICAN HUSTLE will get shut out in the major awards but could walk away with Costume Design. That was one Oscar-worthy raid of the local salvation army!

7:54 – Jared Leto again. I saw 30 Seconds to Mars in concert once and it was surreal. Ugh, there’s Julia Roberts... the weakest link of the aforementioned AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY. Oooh, Accio Emma Watson! 

8:00 – Bradley Cooper banters with Jonah Hill and now it’s time for me to take a half-hour break. Hope you guys have enjoyed this madness so far. I’ll be back at 8:30 for the big show! OSCAR NIGHT, BABY!

THE 86th ACADEMY AWARDS

8:30 – Aaaaaand we’re underway! Ellen Degeneres takes the stage and after one drought-related joke, she has improved on the entirety of Seth MacFarlane’s debacle last year. Heh, lots of similar nominees this year compared to when Ellen hosted seven years ago. But June Squibb is an 84-year-old newbie! “I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WRE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA!” Ellen says loudly (so June can hear her, natch). Lupita is also a newbie, as is Barkhad Abdi! He is a sommelier, so he knows a lot about wine! “WHO’S THE WINE CAPTAIN NOW”! Bahahaha, that will never stop being funny.

8:33 – The real Captain Phillips, the real Philomena and one of the greatest Liza Minnelli impersonators Ellen has ever seen! Looks just like the real Liza Minnelli! I don’t think people liked that joke. Also, what the hell is going on with the giant inflatable condom Oscars lined up on stage? What kind of telecast is this gonna be?

8:35 – “Amy Adams, you went to college, right? No? Who cares.” I like Ellen’s deadpan. Amy is selfish for being in TWO Oscar-nominated films tonight. (She probably should have gotten two nominations, herself – her performance in HER is arguably better than AMERICAN HUSTLE.)

8:37 – Ellen letting J-Law have it for being a clumsy goofball and falling all over the place! “If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar.” Now she’s talking about how pretty Jared Leto is. Someone on Twitter said that he looks like Jesus after a shower. That’s funny!

8:39 – Jonah Hill is a two-time Oscar nominee. Crazy. “You showed us something in that film that I have not seen in a long, long time,” Ellen says. (SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HIS PENIS!) Ellen also points out that the two possibilities tonight are that either 12 YEARS A SLAVE wins, or we’re all racists! Haha she went there!

8:40 – First award of the night and Anne Hathaway comes out to the LES MIZ themes. It’s Best Supporting Actor, of course. Barkhad Abdi is intense and of course they show the “I’m the captain now” clip. Bradley Cooper gives a fun manic performance in HUSTLE. Fassbender maybe should win for 12 YEARS… the guy is a genius. Jonah Hill, great work, but no. Jared Leto almost certainly takes this home. By the way, can you believe that Jared Leto is the oldest of these five nominees? That makes me feel fucking ancient. And the Oscar goes to… JARED LETO for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB! No surprise, but a deserving win and a heartfelt speech. Damn, he really is pretty. Somewhere, Angela Chase is crying....

8:46 – LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (or is it ACE VENTURA) star Jim Carrey takes the stage. “It must be tiring to be a nominee,” he jokes. I’m still annoyed that he didn’t get a nod for THE TRUMAN SHOW. I think he’s here to talk about LSD? No, animation and movie magic. Oh, it’s an animated heroes montage! THE INCREDIBLES kicks it off! WALL-E! Merida from BRAVE! HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, Little Mermaid, Mickey Mouse, Peter Pan, this is moving way too fast! Roger Rabbit! Kung-Fu Panda. To infinity and beyond! Dumbo…... obviously this is hugely Disney-centric; Roger Rabbit again. Incredibles again. Snow White. Very fun montage! “Anyone else feel that was a little light on Finding Nemo?” Ellen asks. Heh.

8:50 – Kerry Washington presents the first Best Original Song nomination. It’s “Happy” from DESPICABLE ME 2, performed by Pharrell Williams. This song is kind of catchy but I feel like we’re just going through the motions because “Let It Go” is so obviously going to win. OH but Pharrell just boogied with Lupita and Amy Adams! Okay, I’ll stop being a stinker – this is a fun performance.

8:56 – Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts take the stage. Always nice to hear Naomi speak with her natural accent (but again, please make a good movie again soon). They are presenting Costume Design, which I think could go to AMERICAN HUSTLE. THE GRANDMASTER also looks mighty good, as does THE GREAT GATSBY. Can’t count out the period pieces, THE INVISIBLE WOMAN and 12 YEARS A SLAVE. And the Oscar goes to THE GREAT GATSBY! Well, okay! That was one glorious-looking spectacle. This may also mean that AMERICAN HUSTLE, despite 10 nominees and lots of early buzz, could go home empty-handed.

8:59 – Naomi and Sam stick around for BEst Makeup and Hairstyling. DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, sure… but this award HAS to go to BAD GRANDPA!! COME ON, ACADEMY! That was seriously some of the best old-age makeup ever, and it fooled real people in real life! Fuck THE LONE RANGER. And the Oscar goes to… DALLAS BUYERS CLUB. Not unexpected, but boooooo!

9:02 – Why is the INDIANA JONES theme playing? Ohhh shit, Harrison Ford is in the house! (Actually I should’ve guessed that.) He’s rocking a goatee now, like Michael Douglas. Is that a thing now amongst the elder actor set? He is also wearing an earring and may or may not be stoned. I think he’s introducing some of the Best Picture nominees? Yep. This is a good way to save time.

9:05 – Channing Tatum is here to present those Team Oscar kids. Go kids! Now let’s never speak of Channing Tatum during an Oscar telecast again.

9:10 – Hehe, Ellen gives Bradley Cooper some scratch-off lotto tickets as a consolation prize for losing tonight. Nobody goes home empty handed! (But Ellen needs her quarter back.) Now Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak (!) take the stage. She makes a MAGIC MIKE reference and he makes a VERTIGO reference. That’s a bit of a disparity. They are presenting Best Animated Short! I was actually disappointed with most of these, but go MR. HUBLOT! Or GET A HORSE because I’d love to see Disney Animation score a trifecta tonight. And the Oscar goes to MR. HUBLOT! Well, all right... it was the best of the bunch!

9:14 – Best Animated Feature time! FROZEN FROZEN FROZEN! It has to win. ERNEST & CELESTINE was good and THE WIND RISES could garner some Miyazaki support and the other ones are whatever. And the Oscar goes to…. FROZEN! YES! Amazingly, this is the first-ever Oscar win for Walt Disney Animation. Welcome to the new Golden Age!

9:17 – Sally Field is here and we still like her! She’s presenting a montage about everyday heroes. Jackie Robinson in 42. Sean Penn as Harvey Milk. Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovitch. THE BLIND SIDE. DDL as Lincoln, bitches! Captain Phillips! Will Smith as Ali. SCHINDLER’S LIST. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN. ZERO DARK THIRTY. ARGO (hey, remember when it won Best Picture)? “They call me Mr. Tibbs!” THE RIGHT STUFF. BRAVEHEART. SILKWOOD. 12 YEARS A SLAVE. BEN FIGGIN’ HUR. Oh yeah, THE BUTLER was a movie that happened in 2013. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA! And we end with Jackie Robinson again… it’s baseball season!

9:21 – Man, Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a sex tape I’d pay to see. (Wait, what?) They’re presenting Best Visual Effects. Obviously this is GRAVITY all the way – the first of many awards for the sci-fi spectacle, I reckon. But how cool would it be if THE HOBBIT won? Smaug WAS one of the great special effects ever. And the Oscar goes to… GRAVITY! OUTER. SPACE.

9:23 – Ellen is sitting in Zac Efron’s seat because Zac Efron is going to be on stage. And sure enough, there he is, having some trouble with the cue cards. He’s presenting Karen O’s performance of “The Moon Song” from HER. Cue all the feels. If by some unlikely chance “Let It Go” doesn’t win, I would have no problem with this lovely little ditty taking home the gold.

9:30 – Kate Hudson is here! Haven’t seen her in forever! She and Jason Sudekis are here to present Best Live Action Short Film. These were pretty strong all around, but I’m rooting for the intense, French JUST BEFORE LOSING EVERYTHING, which had me on the edge of my seat. But I think THE VOORMAN PROBLEM could win…... and the Oscar goes to HELIUM, a story about a kid dying of cancer. Guess I can’t be too mad.

9:33 – Best Documentary Short Subject up next! CAVE DIGGER, the story of a guy who digs caves in the desert, is my pick here, but the safe money is on THE LADY IN NUMBER 6, the story of the oldest Holocaust survivor (who recently died). And THE LADY IN NUMBER 6 wins. The filmmaker’s speech is dedicated to the woman’s memory... very sad timing. It’s a good movie. 

9:35 – Ellen makes the rounds, says hi to Whoopi Goldberg and Martin Scorsese and Harrison Ford. “Is anybody hungry?” Oh sweet, Ellen is going to order pizza! Two large – half olives/jalepenos, please! And now Bradley Cooper is here to present Best Documentary Feature. THE ACT OF KILLING is an astonishing piece of work that SHOULD win. CUTIE AND THE BOXER is a lovely feel-good movie that COULD win. THE SQUARE is important and 20 FEET FROM STARDOM is also a feel-good story and DIRTY WARS was in there somewhere, too… and the Oscar goes to 20 FEET FROM STARDOM! Not my pick but I’ll allow it. I never really expected the fucked up genocide doc to win – but trust me, that’s the one you should seek out. Anyway, now we get to hear Darlene Love belt out a few notes.

9:40 – I think Kevin Spacey just plugged HOUSE OF CARDS but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t started watching it yet (no spoilers). Not exactly sure what he’s talking about… oh, Angela Lansbury and Steve Martin received honorary Oscars, it seems. And Piero Tosi, a costume designer of some regard. And Angelina Jolie got a humanitarian award presented by George Lucas! The Force is strong with her.

9:48 – Ewan McGregor is here with Viola Davis! Somehow, Ewan has never been nominated for an Oscar. That is crazy. They are presenting Best Foreign Film. Good stuff here, especially THE GREAT BEAUTY, which will undoubtedly win. OMAR is my second choice, and THE HUNT is great, and THE BROKEN CIRCLE BREAKDOWN is devastating (also about a kid dying of cancer, I might add). THE MISSING PICTURE is the one nominee in any catergiry that I did not see, dammit. Not that it matters because the Oscar goes to THE GREAT BEAUTY! Yeah! An amazing film. Though, slap an asterisk next to it because it would’ve been a different story if BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR had been eligible.

9:51 – Oh God, Tyler Perry is at the Oscars? That just ain’t right. Looks like he’s introducing a few more Best Picture nominees in this time-saving effort. NEBRASKA continues Alexander Payne’s hot streak as a director – the dude has never made a bad movie. HER, my God, so good and heartfelt and a fully realized vision of an all-too-possible future. And GRAVITY, one of the great sci-fi spectacles we’ve ever seen and could very well win the whole sheboygan. We shall see!

9:54 – Ellen is back on stage in a dapper white suit and introduces a man who needs no introduction, Brad Pitt. Oh God, he’s introducing friggin’ U2 who are going to perform their song from the MANDELA movie. Good movie but not a good song – somehow it won the Golden Globe but that better not happen tonight! Seriously, this song is making my asshole cringe.

10:02 – E.T. music as the show returns from commercial and Ellen is taking a selfie with Liza Minnelli. No, Lupita is not going to have some pizza, much to Ellen’s astonishment. Now she’s going to take another selfie with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts and Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence and Brad Pitt and everyone! Holy crap this picture really might get the most retweets of all time! I wonder how much of this was scripted. Heh, Chiwetel missed the photo op but Ellen obliges him.

10:05 – Kristen Bell and Michael B. Jordan are talking about the technical awards, and now Ellen introduces Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron – another pretty good sex tape in the making. They are presenting Best Sound Mixing, which pretty much has to go to GRAVITY, although actually LONE SURVIVOR wasn’t bad in that regard. But nah, the Oscar goes to GRAVITY! All the technical awards please!

10:09 – Thor and Princess Anna remain on stage for Best Sound Editing. GRAVITY is the sure-fire winner here, too.. and the Oscar does indeed go to GRAVITY! Even though there’s no sound in outer space. But hey.

10:12 – Christoph Waltz arrives to present Best Supporting Actress! Key category here. Sally Hawkins was very good in BLUE JASMINE, but nah. Jennifer Lawrence has a very good shot and man, would the internet erupt if she pulled this off. (She would also be the first back-to-back Oscar winner since Tom Hanks!) But God, this award HAS to go to Lupita! Just an amazing performance. Julia Roberts was the weakest link of a mediocre movie, so nah. Absolutely love June Squibb in NEBRASKA but I doubt it – hahaha, they use the clip where she flashes her naughty bits at the grave. And the Oscar goes to LUPITA!!! Yes!!! Ahhh, I am so happy. She is adorable! She salutes the spirit of Patsy and thanks Solomon Northup for telling her story and his. Lupita breaks down into tears as she calls working with Steve McQueen the joy of her life. Awesome emotional earnest humble happy perfect speech.

10:21 – Pizza’s here! Oh good, Ellen got three pies. Haha, they’re really divvying out real pizza. Brad Pitt hands out plates to Meryl Streep. J-Law is chowing down. “Kerry Washington is pregnant, she needs some.” Jared Leto just won an Oscar so he gets some! Harrison Ford wants a slice and nudges Ellen for a napkin! Hahaha, that was my biggest laugh-out-loud moment of the night! “Where’s Harvey Weinstein?” This was a good bit.

10:24 – I think this lady is the president of the Academy? She’s talking about the cultural power of movies and showing pictures of snazzy new buildings and things. I don’t know. I’m still thinking about pizza! That was seriously one of the funniest Oscar bits in a while. Good job, Ellen!

10:26 – Bill Murray and Amy Adams!!! “Baby, you look like a $146 million domestic!” I would love to see these two make a movie together. Ooh, they’re presenting Best Cinematography. I’m going for GRAVITY here, but INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS would be sweet, too. Or Roger Deakins for PRISONERS, couldn’t possibly argue with that. Ahhhh, Bill Murray interrupts the presentation to honor Harold Ramis. Brilliant. And the Oscar goes to GRAVITY, of course! We were in outer space, dammit! If you haven’t seen it in IMAX 3D and still have the opportunity to do so, I strongly suggest you get on that.

10:29 – Anna Kendrick and Gabby Sidibe present Best Film Editing, which I also think will go to GRAVITY. Unless this is where the Academy decides to honor CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, which is also a possibility. And the Oscar goes to GRAVITY! No surprise that it is cleaning up the technical awards. The question is whether it will carry over the big prizes which are still to come!

10:32 – Whoopi Goldberg is here and she’s wearing ruby slippers! That means it’s time for a 75th anniversary tribute to THE WIZARD OF OZ. Pink is singing while Dorothy and company are on the big screen. “Somewhere over the rainbow” begins as Dorothy enters that Technicolor world. This is a very nice tribute. But you know what other movie is also celebrating its 75th anniversary this year? GONE WITH THE WIND. Too bad it would be in somewhat poor taste to honor that movie in the year of 12 YEARS A SLAVE... (save it for the 80th anniversary).

10:42 – Hehe, Ellen runs out in full Glinda attire, a little too late for the WIZARD OF OZ tribute. Here come Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch to present Best Production Design. Oooh, I really want HER to win this! Such a wonderfully realized and intricately detailed vision of the future. Can’t wait to own it on Blu-Ray to really delve into it. And the Oscar goes to THE GREAT GATSBY, wow. Didn’t expect that. But it was a good-looking movie, as Baz Luhrmann movies are wont to be. Plus the GATSBY costume/production design lady seems nice.

10:46 – Thor was here earlier, and now Captain America is here to present a montage about popular heroes! Oh cool. I saw Hunger Games, MAN OF STEEL voiceover, Hobbit, Indy, Star Trek, Jaws. More Katniss, Spidey, Harry Potter, Avatar, KARATE KID (the real one). The Matrix, Kill Bill, AVENGERS! Clint Eastwood. “TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!” Jackie Chan. Indiana Jones. “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” X-Men. BACK TO THE FUTURE! LUKE vs. VADER IN RETURN OF THE JEDI. This is going too fast again! Awww, I saw a Hushpuppy. And it’s over. Good stuff, though I’m fairly certain Katniss and Hushpuppy were the only female heroes they portrayed? Oops.

10:52 – Multiple Oscar nominee (and Mets fan!) Glenn Close is here. Oh shit, she’s presenting the In Memoriam segment. This is going to be rough. I’m not emotionally ready for this. James Gandolfini, right off the bat, shit (would’ve loved to see him get a posthumous nod for ENOUGH SAID). The makeup artist for STAR WARS, not cool. Paul Walker, sad. The sound editor for BACK TO THE FUTURE. Annette Funicello (or as Michelle on FULL HOUSE called her, Annette Funnyjello). Peter motherfucking O’Toole, ughhh. Ray Harryhausen. Sid Caesar. Roger Ebert. Shirley Temple. Joan Fontaine. I think the telecast muted the audience applause, which is new – it’s usually interesting to see who gets the biggest ovation. Ahh, Harold Ramis. And it ends with Philip Seymour Hoffman. God fucking dammit. (Did they forget anybody?)

10:58 – And now, just to pour salt in all of our open In Memoriam wounds, Bette Midler comes out to sing “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” Ughhh. What a rough year (in many different ways). Where’s my drink?

11:01 – Uh, is this standing ovation for Bette Midler or for the photo montage of the dearly departed behind her? Weird moment. Meanwhile, at the bottom of the screen, they post a link to the “complete In Memoriam” segment online. That’s even weirder. Show them all on TV, dammit!

11:04 – Heh, apparently Ellen’s Greatest Selfie Ever actually broke Twitter earlier. I did not notice because I was busy live-blogging but that must have been quite a scary moment for the masses. And now here’s Goldie Hawn. She and Jennifer Lawrence should get drunk together later, in a sort of passing-the-torch ceremony. She’s introducing the remaining Best Picture nominees. PHILOMENA, CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, 12 YEARS A SLAVE. Good stuff.

11:08 – John Travolta comes out, hails Xenu and mangles Idina Menzel’s name (Adele Azeen?). But whatever, it’s “Let It Go” time! Idina is belting it out and I have chills! FROZEN is the best Disney movie since THE LION KING and the best collection of songs since, maybe, THE LITTLE MERMAID. “The cold never bothered me anyway…” holy shit, she nailed it! Standing O for Idina! YES!

11:12 – Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel are here to introduce Best Original Score, which is always a favorite category of mine. Jamie hums the CHARIOTS OF FIRE theme and here are the nominees. PHILOMENA by Alexandre Desplat is very good. HER is lovely. SAVING MR. BANKS, eh. THE BOOK THIEF, another lovely John Williams contribution. And GRAVITY’s epic epicness, which will probably win. And the Oscar goes to… GRAVITY. No arguments there. GRAVITY continues to clean up!

11:16 – And now Best Original Song! Of course it has to be “Let It Go”… and… YES! “LET IT GO” wins! And the two folks accepting the award are adorable and funny! Possibly the second best speech of the night after Lupita. Yay, “Let It Go!” Yay, FROZEN! Hail Disney!

11:23 – Hah, Ellen passing the hat around the collect pizza money. Harvey Weinstein gives $200. Lupita gives her lip balm, which I’m guessing Ellen will post in eBay later. Now here’s Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz?? Weird pairing. They are presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. Oooh, BEFORE MIDNIGHT. My #1 movie of the year has zero chance but God it would be awesome. But as expected, the Oscar goes to 12 YEARS A SLAVE! Well deserved. We now enter the endgame – will 12 YEARS continue the momentum or will GRAVITY turns its tech awards into real gold?

11:26 – Best Original Screenplay is next! Come onnnnn, Spike Jonze and HER! That would make me unspeakably happy. Actually not really sure what else could possibly win (unless this is where HUSTLE gets its pity win?). And the Oscar goes to… SPIKE JONZE for HER! YESSSSSS! So happy! Hard to say whether this is my favorite win of the night – let’s call it a three-way tie with Lupita and “Let It Go!”

11:31 – Okay, we’re officially in overtime now. Angelina Jolie and Sidney Poitier take the stage to a big-time ovation. They’re presenting Best Director, but first Angie heaps praise onto a true acting titan. Goddamn, Sidney Poitier is pure royalty. And now, the nominees… lots of good ones here but I think it’s going to go to Alfonso Cuaron because no one else could have done what he did with GRAVITY. Such vision and precision. And the Oscar goes to… ALFONSO CUARON! YES! Heh, they should’ve filmed his walk to the stage and speech in one long take. Best Picture is still not a foregone conclusion, but it’s feeling more and more like a GRAVITY sweep...

11:41 – Back from commercial to “My Heart Will Go On,” which always generates a ripple of feels. And now here’s the great Daniel Day-Lewis, last year’s Best Actor winner (and the best actor of our time) to present Best Actress! Amy Adams is a five-time nominee and a personal favorite of mine – would have no problem seeing her steal one. However, Cate Blanchett gives an unreal tour-de-force performance in BLUE JASMINE. Sandra Bullock commands the screen in GRAVITY and maybe isn’t such a long-shot the way things are going. Judi Dench is always a contender. Meryl Streep at her absolute Meryl Streepiest. And the Oscar goes to… CATE BLANCHETT! Of course! She is the best ever. She heaps praise on her fellow nominees – “Julia, hashtag suck it!” Ha! Ooh, she thanks Woody Allen, to tepid applause from the crowd. All around outstanding and cool and eloquent and entertaining and sincere speech. Cate Blanchett rules!

11:48 – And now here’s Jennifer Lawrence to present Best Actor! She’s snarking at somebody in the front row. That’s so J-Law! Oh man, I’m feeling anxious. Reeeeeeally want DiCaprio to win. And I think maybe the crowd does, too? Big applause at his name! Christian Bale will not win. Neither will Bruce Dern. Chiwetel Ejiofor has a good chance and that would thrust 12 YEARS A SLAVE back into the Best Picture, um, picture. I think McConaughey will PROBABLY win. But I just don’t know! What’s going to happen! And the Oscar goes go… MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB. All right, all right, all right. We have reached the pinnacle of the Age of the McConaughey. But man, gotta feel bad for Leo. What the hell is it gonna take for him to win! Also, now that McConaughey has started talking, we could be here a while.

11:55 – Hmmm, McConaughey’s grautitous “all right, all right, all right” may now signal the beginning of the end of the Age of McConaughey. And now here’s 2014 Razzie winner Will Smith to present Best Picture. What’s it gonna be Acacdemy? 12 YEARS A SLAVE or GRAVITY? GRAVITY or 12 YEARS A SLAVE? (The other seven nominees are just filler.) And the Oscar goes to… 12 YEARS A SLAVE! Wow! I really thought GRAVITY was going to pull off the sweep But yeah, I guess 12 YEARS is the “better” film, and certainly the more important one in the grand scheme of things. No complaints! Good speech from Steve McQueen, but all I can think is that somebody should beat the shit out of Paul Dano, right now, just for the hell of it.

Aaaaand that’s a wrap! Pretty decent show, all in all, even though there wasn’t a single upset – good or bad – from what I can tell. We knew it was going to be between 12 YEARS A SLAVE and GRAVITY and that is what happened all night long. We knew Cate and McConaughey and Jared Leto and Lupita were going to win and they did. We knew FROZEN and “Let It Go” would win and they did. I guess I wasn’t sure whether Spike Jonze would win for Original Screenplay because I wanted it to happen so much, but looking at those nominees, it was the only possible choice. So, in that sense, the show was not very interesting. But it was still a fun night. My Oscar ballot was better than usual – 16 correct, I think – but still wouldn’t have won me any pools. Ellen was a solid host – her running selfie and pizza jokes were funny and provided my biggest laugh when Harrison Ford asked for napkins. As always, I must list my loveliest ladies of the night (in no particular order): Lupita Nyong’o, marry me! J-Law in red. Penelope Cruz, gorgeous. Charlize Theron, goddamn. Cate Blanchett, goddess. Olivia Wilde, perfect specimen. Actually, I can’t remember - there weren’t even really any truly mind-blowing outfits this year, either, were there? Oh well. No complaints at all. I had a blast with this live-blog for the 9th straight year and I hope you did, too – thanks so much for stopping by, whether it was throughout the night or just for a minute! I salute you and love you! Yay movies! Goodnight everybody!