OSCAR NIGHT!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my 5th annual moment-by-moment Oscar commentary! After all these weeks of speculation and anticipation and predictions of all kinds, the big day has finally arrived and I AM PSYCHED. Now, I maintain that TEN Best Picture nominees may be overkill, but what’s done is done -- in a few short (or not-so-short) hours, we will finally see which movie emerges victorious from this clusterfuck. Though, really, I think it’s a two-horse race and everyone else is just along for the ride: Will it be the world’s biggest moneymaker and one of the most spectacular cinematic achievements of all time, AVATAR? Or will it be the little war film that could and one of the most intense movie experiences of the year, THE HURT LOCKER? Could go either way, and it will be interesting to see which direction the Academy decides to go (my money is on the blue people). Meanwhile, the acting awards ought to be far less surprising. Jeff Bridges, Christoph Waltz and Mo’Nique should have their respective trophies in the bag. The one questionable category is Best Actress, where apparently Sandra Bullock has the inside track, despite winning the Worst Actress Razzie last night -- if she wins, it would be an absolute travesty, so let’s hope the Academy uses common sense and gives the award to the great Meryl Streep or one of the equally-deserving newcomers, Carey Mulligan or Gabey Sidibe. Screenplay categories are also kind of up in the air (pun very much intended), but I am fairly certain that we will see Oscar history tonight when Kathryn Bigelow becomes the first woman to win Best Director.

Now, like the obsessive crazy person that I am, I’ve been watching mindless Oscar pre-show stuff on E! for much of the day, so I am ready and rarin’ to go. My LIVE commentary will begin with Red Carpet Madness at 6 p.m., followed by the Oscar telecast at 8:30. I’ll be updating this blog every few minutes throughout the night, so bookmark this page and check back often... or keep your browser right here and click “refresh” constantly... whatever works for you. Be back soon!

THE RED CARPET

6:00 – *tap*tap*… is this thing on? Man, is it just me, or was the E! pre-show stuff even more insipid than usual this year? On the other hand, it also featured a lot more girls in skimpy clothes. Now let’s see what good ol’ Ryan Seacrest & pals have in store for the Red Carpet!

6:03 – Oh man, I hope there’s another Busey moment. Ah, Sam Worthington and his date are the first celebs on the scene. Pretty sure that AVATAR is going to clean up tonight… we shall see!

6:05 – Wow, that was a weird awkward non-hug between Seacrest and Zac Efron. Also, apparently Efron is the biggest movie guru on the carpet. What, does Ryan have a crush on him or something? NEXT!

6:07 – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Giuliana Rancic looks like a damn fish. I wonder if she’s bummed that PONYO didn’t get a Best Animated Film nom?

6:10 – Eh, I dunno, Anna Kendrick looks kinda mousey tonight. And every night. She was very good in UP IN THE AIR, but sorry to say that she doesn’t stand a chance – speaking of which, there’s Mo’Nique, right on cue!

6:13 – Zoe Saldana is hot and all, but personally I think she looks better as a blue alien. Hisssss!

6:17 – Remember when Mariah Carey was in PRECIOUS and she was awesome? That was crazy. Also, remember when my apartment building was in PRECIOUS? That ruled. Mariah is looking quite bodacious tonight, by the way. Hehe, her diamond bracelet got caught on her boobs. “I don’t know what you’re referring to as diamonds, but we do have some best friends here,” Seacrest quips.

6:25 – Did Ryan Seacrest just call the mayor of Los Angeles “brother?” Weird. Lots of love for AVATAR so far on this Red Carpet. Heh, Seacrest is trying so hard to get Zoe to do the Na’vi hiss.

6:29 – Mmm, I love me some Vera Farmiga. I’ve been watching a bunch of her stuff on Netflix recently. Though I agree with Rachel’s observation that she is too pale for this crazy fuchsia dress. Ha, Vera picked Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director over her own director, Jason Reitman! Oops! It’s okay, though, he doesn’t stand a chance.

6:35 – Bah, no point in having Ryan Reynolds here if Scarlett isn’t with him. Ah, there’s the first Sandra Bullock reference. I cannot believe that she is the goddamn FRONTRUNNER for Best Actress. If Eddie Murphy couldn’t win an Oscar because he also made NORBIT in the same year, then Sandra also shouldn’t win for making ALL ABOUT STEVE and THE PROPOSAL in 2009!

6:37 – Crazy that Jason Reitman is a two-time Oscar nominee already. HOLY SHIT, check out James Cameron’s wife, aka the ugly chick from TITANIC for whom he dumped Linda Hamilton! She looks like she’s old enough to be his mother! Dear Lord, that is horrendous! Should be interesting to see what happens in the battles of the exes – Cameron vs. Bigelow – for Best Director!

6:40 – Hehe, I would also like to see the entire Kodak Theatre bust out in a chorus of “Happy Birthday” for Peter Sarsgaard. Also, Maggie G.’s jowels don’t look quite as prominent this evening. Plastic surgery, perhaps? It’s about time!

6:42 – Elizabeth Banks was this year’s hottie to present the tech awards! Good choice! I love her. Rachel is perturbed by her dress, but I think she looks good!

6:44 – Sixteen percent of E! voters think that Anna Kendrick is going to win Best Supporting Actress? Fucking TWILIGHT freaks! Supporting Actress/Actor are the two biggest no-brainer categories of the night.

6:48 – Ooh, I like the color of Sigourney Weaver’s dress. It’s the color of my kitchen & den! Wow, she hasn’t seen AVATAR in IMAX yet? Call me, Sigourney, and I’ll go with you!

6:52 – Sandra Bullock does not deserve Oscar gold, but she looks good tonight. Her lips are so very red! Not too keen on Tina Fey’s dress, though - she totally should have shown up dressed as Sarah Palin. Can’t wait for her upcoming movie, DATE NIGHT, with Steve Carell!

6:56 – Quick, someone ask Amanda Seyfried to check whether or not it’s raining! Hee. OH MY GOD, what the hell is wrong with Carey Mulligan’s head?! I love her and she was amazing in AN EDUCATION, but the blonde pixie look was a bad choice!

7:03 – Amanda Seyfried again. D’gah, she is a hottie. Good chance she’ll be among the top 5 hottest by the end of the night. That’s always a fun list to compile just before bedtime!

7:05 – Whoa, Rachel McAdams and Elizabeth Banks could be twins. Meanwhile, Miley looks really bored. Actually, I kind of agree – this red carpet has not been very exciting so far.

7:13 – Kind of a creepy conversation between Seacrest and Miley. Dude, she’s not 18 yet! Also, Kathryn Bigelow is so much hotter than James Cameron’s current wife! Not to mention that she will likely become the first-ever female Best Director!

7:15 – Hehehe, seeing Sarah Jessica Parker reminds me of this: http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com. Best site ever!

7:17 – WHOA, Kathryn Bigelow is tall as hell! Was she James Cameron’s physical inspiration for the ten-foot-tall Na’vi? Heh, nice to see Seacrest try to stir up some animosity between the exes. Ah, and there’s Stanley Tucci – so creepy in THE LOVELY BONES, one of the most underrated films of the year! And there’s Charlize Theron with some kind of flowery targets on her boobs. At last, business is picking up!

7:25 – Matt Damon is another bullshit nominee tonight – INVICTUS sucked and he was just not very good! (He WAS good, however, in THE INFORMANT!)

7:28 – Just saw on the ticker that this is Christopher Plummer’s first oscar nomination. That kind of complicates matters, since we know how much the Academy loves to honor old timers. But I still think that the Dude is the one to beat! (EDIT: Plummer was actually up for Supporting Actor, so despite his age & pedigree, stood no chance vs. Waltz!) Meanwhile, my girlfriend Rachel is swooning big-time over George Clooney. But that’s okay, because I am swooning over George Clooney’s girlfriend!

7:30 – Ahh, Meryl Streep. How the hell can the Academy possibly think that Sandra Bullock’s performance is better than the great Streep? I mean, really. (Granted, by that logic, Streep should win every year because there is none higher.)

7:32 – Oh wow, I didn’t see Rachel McAdams’ full dress earlier – it is multicolored and cool as hell. Love her. J-Lo, on the other hand… yikes. Looks like she has a big tumor growing out of her big booty.

7:37 – Whoa, Keanu’s beard is fucked up. That happened to me once when my friends tackled me to the ground, held me down and savagely shaved my beard off, thus killing some hair follicles. I wonder if that happened to Keanu recently?

7:39 – Holy moley, Gabey Sibide is a whole lotta woman. But guess what? She deserves Best Actress a hell of a lot more than Sandra Bullock… and maybe more than anyone! Also, she is hilarious! “If fashion is porn, this dress is the money shot!” You go girl! Hehe, oh man, she is the most excited to be here by far. Forget everything I said about Streep or Carey Mulligan or whoever - I hope Gabey wins!

7:42 – Robert Downey Jr. is the fucking duke. Can’t wait for IRON MAN 2!

7:45 – Lots of hints from Seacrest as to some changes that will be in store for the Oscar-cast tonight. Hmmmm. Here’s hoping they don’t go too crazy.

7:49 – Christ, that movie THE BOUNTY HUNTER with Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston seriously looks like a contender for Worst Movie of All Time. Jason Bateman in the house now. OOOOH and there’s Kate Winslet, finally! I’ve been waiting for her arrival! God, I love her. And now Jeff Bridges! It’s gonna rule when he wins – he deserves it for CRAZY HEART as well as his body of work. (Which reminds me, TRON LEGACY is going to kick unbelievable amounts of ass.)

7:58 – Oh my God, is Cameron Diaz going down the same botox road as Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger? That would be a damn shame… but she doesn’t look right tonight! (Also, please God, let the next SHREK be the last…)

8:00 – Okay, the E! red carpet show is over. Kind of a lackluster red carpet this year, to be honest. Some nice-looking ladies, but not enough madness. Ah well. I’m going to take a half-hour break and return at 8:30 for the big show! YEAH!

THE 82nd ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS

8:30 – And we’re baaaack! Whoa, all of the Best Actor and Actress nominees coming out on stage to open the show? Will they do the can-can? This is weird… but strangely cool.

8:32 – Neil Patrick Harris with a musical number! Showgirls and whatnot. Kinda funny stuff. Even funnier: Showing a reaction shot of someone in the crowd with no light! Actually that was kind of weird, too. Off to a weird start! And for the record, the showgirls DID do the can-can!

8:34 – Okay, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, this should be good in theory. Sixteen nominations for Meryl Streep – which means most losses, heh.

8:37 - “Oh look, there’s that damn Helen Mirren.” “That’s DAME Helen Mirren.” That was funny, but so far this monologue (duologue?) is falling flat – wait, scratch that, threesome joke about Martin, Baldwin & Streep! What’s up with all of Meryl’s Hitler memorabilia? HAHA!

8:40 – Martin & Baldwin put on 3D glasses to find James Cameron in the crowd. Ooh, and the first jibe at the Cameron vs. Bigelow showdown. Seriously, though, this duologue sucks ass. Should’ve been one guy, because the back-and-forth just ain’t workin’. BRING BACK BILLY CRYSTAL OR JON STEWART! Or even Hugh Jackman. Hehe, the Clooney jokes are funny though.

8:44 – Finally, some awards! Penelope Cruz is here to present the award for Best Supporting Actor! She’s looking good, BTW. And the nominees are… well, it doesn’t really matter because Christoph Waltz is going to win. Matt Damon, meh. Woody Harrelson was very good in THE MESSENGER, but the movie just wasn’t very memorable. Surprised to hear that THE LAST STATION marks Christopher Plummer’s first Oscar nomination. Stanley Tucci, so awesomely creepy. And of course, Waltz, who stole INGLORIOUS BASTERDS and is probably the biggest no-brainer of the night. And the Oscar goes to… CHRISTOPH WALTZ! That’s a bingo! Meanwhile, there’s a ticker across the bottom of the screen saying that ABC and Cablevision have reached an agreement in principle and that ABC is coming back on the air for those subscribers! Crap, there’s go my readership!

8:50 – Ryan Reynolds introduces a clip from THE BLIND SIDE, the biggest bullshit Best Picture nominee of the bunch. NEXT!

8:55 – I am now drinking a delicious strawberry mojito courtesy of Rachel and her friend Haven. Yum. Um, what are Steve Carell and Cameron Diaz doing there? Oh, heh, the Best Animated Film nominees talk about what it’s like to be up for an Oscar. This is pretty cool. And the winner is… UP! No surprise there. I was rooting for FANTASTIC MR. FOX, but I can’t argue with this choice – Pixar is God!

9:00 – Um, I feel a little uncomfortable seeing Miley’s boobs spilling out of her dress. Also, why is she always slouching? Best Song time! Two selections from THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG, Disney’s triumphant return to traditional animation. Never heard of PARIS 36. The best song from NINE was “Be Italian,” but that was not an original song so they had to nominate this crappy one. And then there’s the song from CRAZY HEART, which is a great song from a great movie. And it wins!

9:05 – Captain Kirk himself, Chris Pine, introduces a clip from DISTRICT 9, one of the best movies of the year and one of the best sci-fi movies in recent memory! I was thrilled when this movie got nominated – probably doesn’t have a shot at gold, but wouldn’t that be something!

9:11 – Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey is a pretty potent combination of hilariousness. Rachel and Haven are having a conversation about whether or not RDJ is bisexual. Hey, I’d make out with him. I mean, um… BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY TIME, wooo! THE HURT LOCKER could win, depending upon what was going through the Academy’s mind at the time. INGLORIOUS BASTERDS probably should win, since it’s Tarantino’s boldest and craziest script ever, which is saying something. THE MESSENGER, meh. A SERIOUS MAN is my pick – arguably the Coens’ best film – but it doesn’t stand a chance. Love seeing Pixar films get screenplay noms, which has happened several times in the past, but I doubt UP pulls off the upset. And the winner is… THE HURT LOCKER! Wow! Could this signal a sweep?? Man, Quentin is pissed. Hope he doesn't sic the Bear Jew on the crowd!

9:17 – Holy shit, Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick are here for a John Hughes tribute! Man, this is going to be awesome. “Bueller… Bueller.” HOME ALONE. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION. “Those aren’t pillows!” PRETTY IN PINK. More Ferris. BREAKFAST CLUB. SIXTEEN CANDLES. And it ends with Ferris once again. Dear lord in heaven, I miss John Hughes so much. Wait, it’s not over… HOLY SHIT, a Brat Pack reunion (plus Macaulay Culkin) on the Oscar stage?! This is amazing.

9:23 – Whew, that John Hughes tribute was too much. But now Samuel L. Jackson is here to introduce UP, the first animated film to be nominated for Best Picture since BEAUTY AND THE BEAST in 1991! Ironically it’s my least-favorite Pixar film in a while… but still better than 90% of the movies out there. It won’t win, but if it does, I will smile…

9:27 – Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana are here. Zoe’s dress is crazy, and Carey’s hair is freaking me out. But, um, she’s got a British accent, so I’ll forgive her. Pretty cool that they’re doing a little tribute to short films – everyone should get their asses to the IFC Center to see this year’s nominees ASAP. Animated short is up first! FRENCH ROAST was funny but meh. GRANNY O’GRIMM was probably my least favorite of the bunch. Love LADY AND THE REAPER, my choice! LOGORAMA is incredible. A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH probably wins because Nick Park can’t be stopped in this category – and the winner is LOGORAMA! Whoa! Insane film!

9:33 – Documentary Short is next. I don’t know anything about any of these, but I picked MUSIC BY PRUDENCE, because the title reminds me of the Beatles’ “Dear Prudence.” And the winner is… MUSIC BY PRUDENCE! Score! By the way, anyone else notice that they’ve gone back to saying “And the winner is” instead of “And the Oscar goes to?” I like it! Let’s not pretend like there are no losers here! Wow, kind of a weird speech from these winners… I think the woman stole the dude’s speech time?

9:35 – Live-Action short! THE DOOR was painful. ABRACADBRA was like NAPOLEON DYNAMITE in Sweden. KAVI could win ‘cause it’s like SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE lite. MIRACLE FISH is my pic – it’s like THE NEVERENDING STORY with a crazy twist. But the winner is THE NEW TENANTS, which is a surprise and kind of disappointment for me. It was good, but if I ranked the nominees, it’d probably be third, at best. Ah well. BTW, so far I’m 3-for-6 with my predictions. Eh.

9:38 – Hehehe, Ben Stiller as a Na’vi. “Seemed like a better idea in rehearsal.” Best Makeup time, which is funny because AVATAR wasn’t even nominated for that! HAHA, Ben Stiller’s tail rules. Cursing Cameron out in Na’vi! “I see you!” HAHAHA! I love this. Finally, Cameron laughs! Oh, the noms. Never saw IL DIVO…. um, Italian people wearing suits? STAR TREK is obviously going to win, and rightly so. THE YOUNG VICTORIA, I guess, is just here so they can have the necessary three nominees. And the winner is… HAHA, Stiller’s tail is out of control! “It’s amazing how far technology has come.” Best bit of the night so far. And the winner is STAR TREK! Live long and prosper, bitches!

9:43 – The Dude, Jeff Bridges, arrives to introduce a clip from A SERIOUS MAN, my pick for Best Picture, not to mention my #1 movie of 2009. Unfortunately, it is literally the least-likely winner tonight – every online poll I’ve ever seen has it ranked dead last. Stupid everybody! Such an incredible film.

9:47 – Jake Gyllenhaal and Elizabeth Banks (EDIT: It was actually Rachel McAdams. Told you they could be twins!) introduce the noms for Best Adapted Screenplay. UP IN THE AIR was a fantastic film and has a very good shot at being honored here. PRECIOUS was a great film and not undeserving, but probably gets overshadowed. IN THE LOOP is good stuff – this nom came out of nowhere but I caught it on DVD recently. I love AN EDUCATION and I love Nick Hornby even more. DISTRICT 9 is my pick because it was freaking incredible, but there’s no way it wins… right? Maybe? And the winner is… PRECIOUS?!?!? WOW! That’s a legitimate shocker! Good emotional speech by the screenwriter, though. I just can’t believe that UP IN THE AIR is probably going to walk away empty – this was probably its best shot.

9:52 – Queen Latifah introduces, um, the Governor’s Award winners? They’re showing some cool clips here. Good stuff. Actually, to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention because Rachel, Haven and I were trying to figure out where to order pizza from since our usual place is closed. And the winner is... PAPA JOHN'S!

9:55 – Robin Williams introduces Best Supporting Actress! (EDIT: Originally I was wondering why last year’s winner wasn’t there to present the award, as per the tradition… and then I remembered that Heath Ledger won last year. OOPS!) Ah well. Penelope Cruz is awesome and super hot – hard to believe that I used to hate her. Now she may be in my top 5. Vera Farmiga may have had the single hottest on-screen presence in any movie this year, and she was really good aside from that, too. Maggie G. was fine in CRAZY HEART, but definitely the dark horse here. Mousey Anna Kendrick was also very good, but she wasn’t even the best supporting actress in UP IN THE AIR. And then there’s the obvious winner, Mo’Nique. Unbelievable performance. And the winner is… MO’NIQUE! Obviously… and by far the most deserving. Wow, a standing ovation! That is pretty wild. This ought to be a good speech. She may be the first person ever to thank both Hattie McDaniel and Tyler Perry. Seriously, though, this is good. Surprisingly brief and understated. Man, I wonder if this means that PRECIOUS, of all movies, will pull off a sweep??

10:01 – Colin Firth introduces a clip from AN EDUCATION. Fantastic movie. Carey Mulligan is gorgeous. Nick Hornby is the man. It won’t win, but it’s a great pick. Also, apparently a salute to horror films is coming?! NICE!!

10:05 – Sigourney Weaver talks about ALIEN before introducing the noms for Best Art Director. AVATAR is going to win. DR. PARNASSUS was interesting but surprisinglyu forgettable. NINE, too. SHERLOCK HOLMES has a chance. THE YOUNG VICTORIA is here because you can’t count out British period pieces. And the winner is… AVATAR! The first of many technical awards for this cinematic landmark that has literally changed the way that movies will be made from now on! “Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you”… oy. Um, how about that guy’s random throwaway remark about being told 13 years ago that he wouldn’t survive?

10:09 – Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker is here again. This would be a good time to plug www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com once again! Best Costume Design time. Never saw BRIGHT STAR, but I guess it looks good? COCO BEFORE CHANEL could win since it’s all about costumes. I’m picking NINE because of all the sexy outfits on the sexy ladies. THE YOUNG VICTORIA for the same reason as before – and the winner is THE YOUNG VICTORIA! Damn British period pieces! “I already have two of these”… that was pretty smug, lady!

10:12 – Charlize Theron and her spiral breast targets introduce PRECIOUS, which suddenly has tremendous momentum. I still think it’s between AVATAR and THE HURT LOCKER… but you never know?

10:16 – Man, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin could be the worst Oscar hosts in recent memory. Though, wait a second, now they’re spoofing PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Mildly amusing. But I still miss, um, pretty much every other Oscar host in recent memory. OH GOD, here come the TWILIGHT kids. Seriously, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner may be the worst actress and actor alive today. They’re the ones who get to introduce the horror tribute?? Ridiculous. Let’s see what we’ve got here. JAWS, yes. Freddy. Chucky. EXORCIST! PSYCHO! All with the Jaws theme, BTW. POLTERGEIST!!! THE SHINING! This fucking rules. SCREAM? I’m THE LEPRECHAUN! This shit is going too fast! I saw HALLOWEEN and Hannibal Lecter in there. ROSEMARY’S BABY, which I just read. MISERY! Old-school Dracula, Mummy, Wolfman, Frankenstein. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. BEETLEJUIECE. THE BIRDS! Lots of girls screaming! LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS! EXORCIST music kicks in! EDWARD SCISSORHANDS! THE SHINING again! SIXTH SENSE! ALIEN! CARRIE! THE BLOB! BLAIR WITCH! SILENCE OF THE LAMBS! I’m ignoring the fact that TWILIGHT was in there and calling this one of the best Oscar montages ever!

10:23 – Morgan Freeman’s voiceover explains Sound Editing and Sound Mixing in layman’s terms, using last year’s winner, THE DARK KNIGHT, as an example. Cool. Sound editing nominees first. AVATAR probably wins. HURT LOCKER has a good shot. BASTERDS, okay. STAR TREK, nah. UP, maybe. What say you, Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick? Wow, THE HURT LOCKER wins! A bit of a surprise, just because I figured AVATAR would win every technical award. Sound Mixing next. Um, pretty much the same comments as above… except replace UP with TRANSFORMERS 2. And the winner is… THE HURT LOCKER again. Well, all right.

10:33 – Oooooh, a commercial for V! Coming back March 30th! I am so there. Now here comes Sandra Bullock and her shiny fuchsia lips to present Best Cinematography. AVATAR pretty much as to win here, right? It sort of revolutionized cinematography. Pretty cool that HARRY POTTER 6 got some love. Other nominees blah blah blah and AVATAR wins! Nice!

10:37 – Demi Moore is looking mighty fine here, even though her dress is nearly the same color as her skin. OH SHIT!!!! It’s the In Memoriam segment, which should be painful. James Taylor plays the Beatles’ “In My Life” and here we go… get your tissues ready. Patrick Swayze, damn. Jean Simmons. David Carradine died in the most fucked up way of anyone. Dom Deluise, oh yeah. Brittany Murphy was my age. Man, the guy who did the sound for THE GODFATHER II and APOCALYPSE NOW, that sucks. Roy Disney! Jesus Christ, all these writers. Michael Jackson, of course. David Brown, bigtime producer. Karl Malden. Whoa, it’s over? I gotta say, I thought there were a lot more deaths this year. Still… sadness. :(

10:45 – Jennifer Lopez (and her butt tumor) and Sam Worthington are here to present Best Score. Um, whoa, interpretive dance numbers, really? I thought they were supposed to do away with this sort of thing? Actually, I don’t mind, the more time they wanna give to movie scores, the better. SHERLOCK HOLMES actually sounds cooler outside of the context of the movie. THE HURT LOCKER score is pretty underwhelming. FANTASTIC MR. FOX is great and the music is fitting. UP is my pick – the only score from any movie this year to get stuck in my head on multiple occasions – it makes me think of the amazing opening montage and I get misty-eyed. AVATAR is suitably epic, but surprisingly unmemorable for such a memorable film. Great segment… and the winner is… UP! Yay!

10:54 – Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper introduced Best Visual Effects. Um, yeah, all due respect to DISTRICT 9, and a tip of the cap to STAR TREK, but I think we all know what HAS to win here. And the winner is… AVATAR! And rightly so – it’s a visual feast! “Just remember, the world that we live in is just as great as the one we created for you.” Um, not really.

10:57 – Jason Bateman introduces a clip from UP IN THE AIR. Funny that this movie had all the momentum at one time… and now it has none. That’s the way the cookie crumbles!

10:59 – WAIT A MINUTE, they didn’t mention Farrah Fawcett during the In Memoriam segment, did they?! I realize she was more well-known for TV… but still… WTF?!

11:01 – Matt Damon introduces Best Documentary Feature. BTW, what’s with Damon’s new movie that looks like a Bourne film, and is by the director of one of the Bourne films, and is marketed like a Bourne film… but isn’t a Bourne film? But I digress. I’ve only seen THE COVE and FOOD INC., and the former should absolutely win – tremendously riveting film. And THE COVE wins! Good stuff. Everybody rent it ASAP! And then get on the dolphins’ good side for when they someday develop opposable thumbs and kill us all!

11:05 – This is Tyler Perry’s first time at the Oscars? Go figure. This segment is weird – are the producers listening to him? Ah well, seeing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin in Snuggies is funny. Best Editing nominees! AVATAR probably shouldn’t win this one. DISTRICT 9 is my pick. ARGH, too fast! THE HURT LOCKER wins, unsurprisingly. Such a taut, intense film.

11:09 – We were wondering why Keanu Reeves was picked to introduce THE HURT LOCKER, and then we remembered that he was in Kathryn Bigelow’s POINT BREAK. Cool.

11:09 – Whoa, Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino, pretty wild pair. Best Foreign Language Film is next (for which, BTW, Almodovar should have been nominated… awkward!). Sadly, I have seen a grand total of ZERO of these films. I suck. I’m going with THE WHITE RIBBON because it’s the only one I’ve really heard anything about. And the winner is… uh, EL SECRETO DE SUS OJOS. Son of a bitch! HAHAHA, the foreign guy says, “I’d like to thank the Academy for not considering Na’vi a foreign language.” That could be the line of the night!

11:19 – Kathy Bates, aka the Unsinkable Molly Brown, introduces a clip from AVATAR. Y’know, it obviously looks its best on an 80’ x 100’ IMAX 3D screen… but it still looks pretty cool on my humble 42” HDTV.

11:24 – WTF is with this motley crew of actors and actresses? Oh wait, I get it… they’re people who have co-starred in the past with this year’s Best Actor noms. Michelle Pfeiffer talks about her time with Jeff Bridges on THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS (would have preferred to see John Goodman talk about LEBOWSKI). Vera Farmiga discusses Clooney, who finally cracks a smile. Julianne Moore honors Colin Firth for A SINGLE MAN – ironically, she probably would’ve been a more worthy Oscar nominee than him. (She was, of course, also in LEBOWSKI with Bridges.) Tim Robbins talking about Morgan Freeman and SHAWSHANK… that’s pretty awesome. Meanwhile, Rachel and Haven are lamenting the end of Robbins & Susan Sarandon’s relationship. Bummer, man. Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela is pretty awesome casting, but god, INVICTUS was so bad. Lastly, Colin Farrell introduces Jeremy Renner… but wait, Farrell was in a movie with Bridges, too! What is this, the six degrees of Jeff Bridges! Man, Jeremy Renner is nervous as hell. Don’t worry, man, you’re not going to win anyway. And now last year’s Best Actress – and indeed, one of the greatest actresses of all time – Kate Winslet, comes out (to the TITANIC music) to announce the winner. And the Oscar goes to… JEFF BRIDGES! YES! So deserving! Great speech! The Academy abides! That Oscar is really going to tie the room together!

11:39 – Best Actress time! I am ready to be pissed the fuck off when Sandra Bullock wins and washes away whatever integrity the Oscars have left. Forest Whitaker, looking thin and hipsterish with those big ol’ glasses, introduces Sandra for some reason. Michael Sheen gives props to Helen Mirren – they starred together in THE QUEEN a few years ago. Peter Sarsgaard kinda creepily introduces Carey Mulligan. I am still crushing on her big-time despite her crazy Rosemary’s Baby hairdo – and in fact, she is my pick for this award! I realize I am probably sabotaging my own ballot, but I’m voting with my heart, dammit! OPRAH is there to honor Gabourey Sidibe, who was just amazing in PRECIOUS – completely out of nowhere – and I wouldn’t mind seeing her win because I feel like she is the happiest to be sitting in the Kodak Theatre tonight. Lastly, Stanley Tucci pays homage to Meryl Streep, who probably SHOULD win, but whose greatness will, as usual, be taken for granted. And here comes Sean Penn, last year’s winner, to announce the winner. Wait, I zoned out for a second.. what was Penn rambling about? Ah, who cares… the Oscar goes to… please, God, anyone but Sandra… and it is… SANDRA BULLOCK. Fucking hell. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I really like Sandra and I like a lot of her movies and THE BLIND SIDE was fine… but c’mon. “Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?” Heh. Aw, okay, her speech is very good and emotional and heartfelt. I just wish she was winning for a more deserving movie.

11:52 – Barbra Streisand is here to present Best Director for some reason! I think we’re about to see history in the making one way or another – either Kathryn Bigelow becomes the first woman to win, or Lee Daniels becomes the first African American. But lest we forget, James Cameron is also up there, and you can never count out the King of the World. I don’t think Tarantino has ever won this award, has he? That streak will likely continue. Jason Reitman will be 0-for-2 in a few minutes, but I’m sure he’ll be up there again soon. And the winner is…. KATHRYN BIGELOW! Nice feint by Streisand so that we wouldn’t know whether “the time had come” for the woman or the black man! Deserving win here, though – THE HURT LOCKER was an expertly-crafted film. Good speech, too – she’s clearly in awe of the moment. Girl power!

11:58 – Tom Hanks comes out to introduce Best Picture. First time there have been 10 nominees since 1944 when CASABLANCA won. And… whoa, what the fuck? They didn’t announce each nominee? THE HURT LOCKER wins! Crazy! Wow, look at Bigelow double-fisting those Oscars. That’s pretty cool. Man, I didn’t even get a chance to once again mention that I was rooting for A SERIOUS MAN, which had zero chance to win. Kinda surprised that AVATAR didn’t pull this one out, but then again, STAR WARS didn’t win in 1977, either. Something tells me James Cameron doesn’t really care, seeing as how the movie has made over $2 billion worldwide and stands as a landmark in the history of film, whereas THE HURT LOCKER will probably be forgotten before long. Thought maybe PRECIOUS would have a shot, since it snagged some major awards, but no. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin come out to close the show and we’re all done!

Well, there you have it, folks... another Oscar Night has come and gone. Gotta say that this was one of the more underwhelming Oscar-casts in a while. Most of the winners were to be expected – very few surprises, with the possible exception of PRECIOUS winning Best Adapted Screenplay. Unfortunately, since I voted with my heart, I only got 10 out of 24 categories right – definitely would not have won me any Oscar pools, though I DID tie for the lead in this apartment! Yeah baby! (Granted, there were only three of us… but still!) I’ve got no real problem with THE HURT LOCKER sweep – wouldn’t have gotten my vote, but it was still a tremendous film. Great to see Jeff Bridges win. Christoph Waltz and Mo’Nique were no-brainers. AVATAR for Visual Effects, Art Direction and Cinematography makes sense. And so on and so forth… it was just a pretty blah show overall. The John Hughes and horror film tributes were pretty cool, but that's about it. Even Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin kinda sucked as co-hosts. Hell, even the hotties were not very memorable! I was going to list my top 5 favorites and I’ll be damned if I can remember. Ah well. If you managed to make it all the way through this epic blog… I SALUTE YOU!

Goodnight everybody!

Oscar-Nominated Short Film Madness, Part Deux: Animation!

Animation time, bitches! GO!

FRENCH ROAST (France) -- Amusing little French ditty about a guy who has a cup of coffee at a cafe, only to realize that he forgot his wallet. Instead of owning up to it, he just keeps drinking more coffee. Meanwhile, odd encounters with the waiter, a homeless guy, a policeman and a little old lady thicken the plot.  The animation is good and the story is fun, especially if you are enamoured with Paris, as I am.

THE LADY AND THE REAPER (Spain) -- It seems that the success of Pixar's UP spawned a number of short films dealing with old people and/or death. Kind of morbid... but in this case, it is in the best possible way.  A lonely old lady awaits death so that she may be with her beloved husband once again... however, when her time comes and the Reaper arrives, she is snatched from his clutches by a pompous surgeon who saves her life.  Not to be outdone, Death fights back and a madcap battle that is reminiscent of Looney Tunes and the Benny Hill Show ensues.  Hilarious, gorgeously animated, touching and dark as hell -- a great little film and my pick for Oscar gold!

A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH (UK) -- Wallace and Gromit are back! This time, they're working as bakers, and cousin, business is booming! However, mystery is afoot, as local bakers appear to be disappearing with alarming regularity.  When Wallace meets and fall in love with his longtime bread-related crush, the "Bake-o-Lite Girl," it's up to Gromit to keep them in bread AND make sure that his master doesn't get in over his head.  If you're a fan of Nick Park’s grand creation, this film will not disappoint -- and will undoubtedly win the Oscar (have they ever lost?).  Personally, I like'em fine, but I'm not a rabid fan by any means.  Funny stuff, though!

GRANNY O'GRIMM'S SLEEPING BEAUTY (Ireland) -- I have no idea why this one was nominated. It’s about a seemingly-sweet old lady who tells a raging, bitter, warped version of Sleeping Beauty to her terrified granddaughter.  I liked the contrasting animation styles -- CGI for granny & kid; stylized 2D for the story itself -- but the skit is all build-up and shock value with no real payoff.  I realize that I am a bit of a Pixar apologist, but the fact that this forgettable mess was nominated over the far-superior PARTLY CLOUDY is a crime against humanity.

LOGORAMA (France) -- Oh man, this one is CRAZY.  It’s set in a Los Angeles-esque world in which everything is made up of recognizable corporate logos and mascots.  I do mean EVERYTHING, ranging from pedestrians who look like AOL icons, to Michelin Man policemen, to traffic lights modeled after the Stop-and-Shop logo, to the MGM lion in a cage at the zoo (which is run by a flamboyantly gay Mr. Clean), to a murderous, rampaging Ronald McDonald... this film is no-holds-barred, wildly entertaining and I cannot believe it actually got made! Loaded with strong language, violence, car chases and natural disasters, this is truly the ultimate scathing of an over-marketed corporate America as only the French could portray! 

Aaaaand the little gold man should/will go to....

I'M ROOTING FOR: The Lady and the Reaper
WILL PROBABLY WIN: A Matter of Loaf and Death

Oh, before I forget, since the Oscar nominees were so short, we were also treated to three “highly considered” films, as well. They were as follows:

PARTLY CLOUDY (USA) – Much like Pixar’s feature presentation, this year’s short film is not one of their best efforts -- but it’s still a world better than most other films.  Actually, this film, which tells the story of where the babies come from BEFORE the stork delivers them, has grown on me after re-watching it on Blu-Ray and again on the big screen.  The animation is splendid, the characters are memorable and the story is refreshingly original.  Puzzling that it didn’t get the nomination... would’ve been interesting to see Pixar vs. Nick Park in a battle of the animated short titans!

RUNAWAY (Canada) – Mildly amusing but mostly forgettable piece about a train that hits a cow and careens out of control. The conductor is off gallivanting and it’s up to the lowly coal-pusher to save the day. Meanwhile, a bit of a class struggle occurs between the well-to-do set and the steerage passengers, with surprisingly dark results.  I liked the traditional animation, which was some of the most unique of any of the entries... but overall the film just wasn’t that great.

THE KINEMATOGRAPH (Poland) -- Lovely, affecting film about an old inventor who is on the cusp of a major breakthrough that could change the world: moving pictures with color and sound. He works feverishly on his project, neglecting the outside world and his loving wife... and before he knows it, life has passed him by. Profoundly sad, somewhat disjointed, but beautifully animated -- particularly the way that the characters look like they're made of wood, complete with tree rings embedded in their skin.


In conclusion: Oscar Night is still a few days away, so get your sweet asses to the IFC Center immediately and see these films! Totally worth $25 for three solid hours of short film insanity!

P.S. In case you missed it, you can read my reviews of the Live-Action nominees right....... HERE!

It must be some kind of... HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!

If there is one movie in the history of movies that I never thought would need a remake, it is BACK TO THE FUTURE. God, I love that trilogy. It is legendary and sheer cinematic perfection, from the story to the performances to the characters and continuity and quotable dialogue. It just stands to reason that a remake would be blasphemy and a slap in the face, not only to Robert Zemeckis, Michael J. Fox and everyone involved, but to those of us who have put the the movies on a pedestal for the past 25 years.

At least, that's what I thought. And then I saw HOT TUB TIME MACHINE.

Now, let me state right off the bat that HTTM does not exceed BTTF in any way. The adventures of Marty McFly will never be topped. But the adventures of four friends who travel back in time to the era in which Marty McFly lived before HE traveled back in time (whew) is a brilliant, hilarious, impeccable homage. As a remake, it succeeds in ways that I never would have thought possible. As its own movie, it is absolutely hilarious... not exactly in unexpected ways, since I pretty much knew that this movie would be awesome ever since I first saw the trailer... but it FAR exceeds my already-high expectations and has left me a giddy, gushing, bouncing-off-the-walls mess.

The story is simple. Back in the day, John Cusack, Rob Corddry and Craig Robinson were best friends. But as the years rolled by, they remained friends but drifted apart on a fundamental level. After Cusack breaks up with his girlfriend, Robinson deals with his own messed up marriage and Corddry seemingly tries to kill himself, they reunite (along with Cusack's geeky nephew) at their favorite ski resort and try to relive their glory days. Unfortunately, the place has become a shithole and is more depressing than anything else. But hey, at least the hot tub, which had been broken when they arrived, appears to have been fixed... and is now emitting a strange unearthly glow... but fuck it, there's booze and drugs and a dancing bear and and and.....

Yeah, they go back in time. To 1986, when they were kids hanging out at that very ski resort. Naturally, hijinks ensue. My favorite part of the trailer is when they're trying to figure out what the hell happened and Craig Robinson says, "It must have been some kind of.... hot tub time machine," and then looks at the camera for a couple of beats. That pretty much sums up the tone and insanity of this movie. I knew it was going to be amazing and hilarious and utterly ridiculous... and I was right on levels that I didn't even fathom. On a purely surface level, it is a must-see.

But I was not aware of the whole BACK TO THE FUTURE aspect. I mean, obviously, there's the time travel thing (and really, is a time-traveling hot tub that much more insane than a time-traveling DeLorean?). But this is seriously a straight remake. I would love to create a side-by-side comparison chart and pick out all of the direct homages to Zemeckis' masterpiece -- seriously, at times, it is almost beat-for-beat, just updated for modern times -- but to do so would spoil the fun and that would be a crime. Suffice to say, it is brilliant and brilliantly done. It never once feels like a cheap rip-off -- if anything, when the BACK TO THE FUTURE connections occurred, no matter how blatant or subtle, I felt a surge of glee and reverence along with my gut laughter.

And it's not just BACK TO THE FUTURE. It's the best '80s tribute movie since THE WEDDING SINGER. The movie is loaded with nostalgia and tips of the cap to movies, TV and pop culture -- sometimes cheesy and over-the-top, but often subtle, in the background, or flat-out unexpected (great soundtrack, too). I particularly loved the ski patrol, the bad guys who bully Cusack & Co. and give them a run for their money. Not very subtle, granted... but it's a great tribute to '80s villainy, with a twist that keeps things fresh. (Keep your ears open, too, for one particular line of dialogue in the background of a pivotal scene involving these guys that literally had me roaring with '80s movie geekitude.)

The performances are great across the board. I fucking love John Cusack and he is the anchor here. I mean, here's a guy who was an icon in the '80s, and remains an icon to this day, starring in a movie in which he gets to do his thing in BOTH eras. He is the man. Craig Robinson continues his heralded streak of stealing every fucking scene he is in, regardless of what he does. I should turn on my webcam and record a video of myself right now, because I am seriously laughing out loud while thinking about some of his lines in this movie. Meanwhile, I could see this being a breakout role for Rob Corddry, in the same way that, say, HIGH FIDELITY was a breakout for Jack Black -- it's one of those loud, raucous, crazy funny performances that makes people stand up and take notice. (Of course, anyone worth their salt should already know that Corddry rules... but the rest of the world ain't so hip.) Clark Duke is also great as the Cusack's young iPhone-obsessed nephew who gets caught up in this madness and just wants to make sure that the time-space continuum doesn't get TOO messed up so he can, y'know, be born.

And then there's Crispin Glover. If Cusack is the anchor, Glover is the goddamn lynchpin and the surest sign that the filmmakers had McFly on the mind. Needless to say, he is awesome. (A couple of other great '80s icons make appearances, too. One of them is Chevy Chase, which is common knowledge... but the other... well, let's see if you can pick him out. Unspeakable genius.)

Furthermore, did I mention it's rated R? And a hard R, at that. So it's loaded with F-bombs and boobs and bodily fluids and raunchiness that knows no bounds. Good stuff.

Okay, okay, I will stop gushing now. Hell, the mere fact that I am blogging about this movie THE SAME NIGHT I saw it should be a sign of just how much I loved it. Can't remember the last time that happened. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE opens on March 26th. Get your advance tickets ASAP and prepare to have your minds blown. I can't wait to see it again!

Oscar-Nominated Short Film Madness, Part 1: Live Action!

For the second year in a row, I hit up the IFC Center for a day filled with all sorts of Oscar-nominated short film shenanigans! This year's crop of live action and animated shorts were interesting indeed... and at times, downright awesome. I highly recommend checking these two programs out if you have the opportunity -- but for those of you who don’t (or for those who have and want to compare notes), here's my take on the nominees. First up... live action!

KAVI (India) -- The first of several heavy-handed entries deals with the nasty subject of modern-day slavery in India. All young Kavi wants to do is play cricket with the other boys, but he is forced to work under strict rule and the blazing heat of the sun in order to help pay off his father's debts. An encounter with a kind-hearted journalist gives Kavi a glimmer of what his life could be like. Can Kavi escape his predicament? Perhaps he could become a contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Yeah... sorry, but while the story is certainly no laughing matter, the film smacks of some leftover SLUMDOG fever. That said, it is the kind of story that makes Oscar cry, so I’m going to be uncharacteristically cynical and predict that it takes home gold.

THE NEW TENANTS (Denmark) -- Deliciously dark comedy that gets off to a hilarious start and then gets funnier and more bat-shit insane as the minutes tick by. Great dialogue, acting and even a couple of amusing cameos by (relatively) famous actors. It will make you think twice about moving into a new place without doing a thorough background check... and you will definitely never again use flour without knowing exactly who bought it and where it came from. A too-weird-bordering-on-pretentious ending prevents this one from being perfect... but it's still damn good.

MIRACLE FISH (Australia) -- This year's best entry, in my humble opinion. It's about a lonely, bullied boy who sneaks into the school nurse's office to lie down and escape the harsh realities of the day... only to awaken and find that he is suddenly all alone. Did his classmates and teachers disappear? Get abducted by aliens? Whatever the case, he is free to roam the halls, eat junk food and enjoy what appears to be an awesome birthday present... at least until he discovers what is really going on. At first, the film feels like something out of THE NEVERENDING STORY... only to take a chilling turn of which I will speak no more. Jaw-dropping stuff.

THE DOOR (Ireland) -- This entry starts off with a man breaking into a house to steal a door. Then in a flashback, we see how he and his family were forced to abandon their home and belongings after the Chernobyl disaster of 1986, and then suffer the agony of their young daughter's death. Back to the present, we learn the true, heartbreaking nature of the stolen door. Tough to watch, but also kind of frustrating -- it feels disjointed and rushed, as if it’s an extended trailer for a feature film instead of a standalone short. Good film, though -- flawed but affecting. Can't believe there hasn't been a big-budget, high-profile drama about Chernobyl yet....

INSTEAD OF ABRACADABRA (Sweden) -- Clearly Sweden took the whole NAPOLEON DYNAMITE craze to heart, because this feels like a little slice of that universe. Tomas is a twenty-something slacker who still lives with his parents and dreams of becoming a famous magician, specializing in "gothic mystery and mayhem" (as illustrated by his bowtie and eyeliner, of course). Unfortunately, his tricks often go awry... and his father goes a little more insane with every puff of glitter that Tomas blows in his face. But when Tomas meets a pretty nurse, he suddenly finds his purpose and takes his magic to a whole new level... for better or worse. Hilarious, occasionally cringe-worthy stuff, and my second-favorite of the bunch.

Now, I must state for the record:

I'M ROOTING FOR: Miracle Fish
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Kavi

Stay tuned for animation madness!

When It's Time to Change, You've Got to Rearrange

Check it out, I changed the image header of my blog! Whaddya think? On one hand, the old AMELIE pic was perfect because (a) I love that movie, (b) it was like a double entendre, with her sitting in a movie theatre and all. But at the same time... eh, I just felt like it was time for a change, perhaps in the hope that it would inspire me to actually write more often about things besides the Oscars and year-end lists. And who better to provide that inspiration than Daniel Day-Lewis? So with that in mind, let's take a look at some movies I've seen recently....

FROM PARIS WITH LOVE -- Ten months from now, when we close the books on 2010, there’s a good chance that this mindless action film is going to be way down towards the bottom of my list. Terrible plot, terrible acting, terrible dialogue, terrible twists, terrible gun fights and car chases… it’s really a perfect storm of crap. Travolta is in standard “crazy mode” and completely unremarkable (though his little homage to PULP FICTION was funny and earned the biggest crowd reaction of the movie). Jonathan Rhys Meyers, meanwhile, puts on quite possibly the most laughably bad performance since Mark Wahlberg in THE HAPPENING -- it was almost as if he was concentrating so hard on speaking with an American accent that he couldn’t do anything else. So bad. I really liked Pierre Morel & Luc Besson’s previous collaboration, the surprisingly entertaining TAKEN, but this was a step in the wrong direction.

FROZEN – Great little thriller about three kids who bribe a ski lift operator into letting them take one last run, only for him to accidentally forget about them, shut down the park and leave them stranded high above the ground in the freezing cold. While the movie requires some suspension of disbelief (these kids are pretty damn stupid, even by horror movie standards) and teeters on the brink of ridiculousness at times, it actually works quite well and is both psychologically and visually intense. The kids are likeable (I particularly enjoyed their conversation about the Sarlaac Pit) and their plight is pretty ominous: Either sit there and likely freeze to death, or try to escape and possibly fall to your death... or get eaten by wolves, as the case may be. Simple but effective. (Two interesting tidbits: I saw this movie on the day of Snowpocalypse 2010, which was kind of poetic. Also, I was all by myself in the theatre except for one couple sitting five rows in front of me, who totally ignored my presence and hooked up throughout the movie. Yeah baby!)

SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE -- I saw an advance screening of this mildly amusing R-rated sex comedy about a dorky guy who gets together with a hot chick and the trials and tribulations that ensue. Seeing as how I am a dorky guy with a hot girlfriend, I appreciated the general concept, but there wasn't very much in this movie that we haven't seen before. The raunchiness was far more miss than hit and often felt like it was just trying too hard -- the pube-shaving scene, for example, was a bit much. I offer the tip of my cap to Jay Baruchel for snagging a starring role -- but to tell the truth, I think he's the kind of guy that is better suited to playing supporting characters. (Wouldn't mind seeing more of Alice Eve, though... yowza.)

THE WOLFMAN -- Good-but-not-great retelling of the classic monster tale. I like that it takes place in its original Victorian setting, as opposed to, say, updating it for modern times -- the gothic look definitely sets the right tone. I also like that it is pretty unflinching in terms of violence – it is really damn gory, with blood and guts and brains and body parts splattered all over the place. I also enjoyed seeing Anthony Hopkins chew the scenery like we haven't seen since his Hannibal Lecter days. On the downside, there is... well, pretty much everything else. The movie comes to a screeching halt whenever the wolf isn't wreaking havoc, and while Benicio del Toro is well-cast (since, y’know, he kind of looks like a werewolf already) and Emily Blunt is fine in her own right, there is zero chemistry between the two of them. Overall, it is just plain dull. (Side note: It's weird that Emily Blunt stars in this movie, which is set in 1890 when England was ruled by Queen Victoria... whom Blunt recently portrayed in THE YOUNG VICTORIA. Let’s hope they never bump into each other or else it could create a paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the universe!)

VALENTINE'S DAY -- No real surprise that this movie was awful. It’s an unfunny celebrity clusterfuck that isn't the slightest bit endearing, let alone romantic. Normally when you see a movie like this, with lots of intertwining storylines and characters, there are at least one or two situations that are somewhat compelling... but not this time. It is completely worthless in every conceivable way. The least-negative thing I can say is that it actually ended up fooling me with a couple of character twists towards the end... but that was more a result of the movie lulling me into a mindless stupor than anything else. Maybe it would have been better if it had been rated R for aberrant behavior involving nudity (more specifically, Jessica Biel and Anne Hathaway nudity). Or if it had been the exact same movie, but with the occasional zombie attack. Come on, Hollywood, work with me here!


Ahh, that felt good. Now let’s see if I can keep it going on at least a semi-regular basis. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!

A Single Man vs. A Serious Man

So, I saw A SINGLE MAN last night because it was the only major Oscar nominee that I hadn't yet seen. While Colin Firth was very good and the story was potent (a gay may in the '60s struggles to maintain his public persona while secretly mourning the death of his longtime partner), the movie itself was infuriatingly pretentious from act 1, scene 1. Pretty much exactly the kind of artsy crap you'd expect from a fashion photographer-turned-filmmaker's directorial debut -- half of the movie was filmed like a Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover... which, I suppose, could have been interesting... but wasn't.

Anyway, I sort of had some suspicions when the Oscar nominees were announced, but now I am certain: With all due respect to Colin Firth, the Academy clearly got confused and accidentally nominated him for Best Actor instead of a far superior and more deserving performance: Michael Stuhlbarg in the Coen Brothers' latest masterpiece (and my #1 movie of the year), A SERIOUS MAN. I submit for your consideration:

1. Most obviously, the titles. A SINGLE MAN. A SERIOUS MAN. We should probably be thankful that Sam Raimi's A SIMPLE PLAN didn't come out this year, or the whole system would have fallen apart!

2. Both main characters are middle-aged, average-looking men with short curly hair and big black glasses. Also, both are teachers.

3. While the specific subject matter is very different, both movies deal with underlying themes of identity, mortality and persecution.

4. Both movies are set in the '60s, primarily in suburban neighborhoods.

5. George from SINGLE and Larry from SERIOUS both have odd relationships with a lonely, abandoned housewife neighbor.

6. Even the posters both kind of invoke similar feelings of isolation....

Honest mistake, right? Sure, except for the fact that Michael Stuhlbarg gets screwed despite giving one of the year's best performances! Ah well... I guess the Academy had already expended all its energy to avoid confusing UP and UP IN THE AIR....

Oscar Picks & Predictions!

Yay, the Oscar nominations have been announced, and all in all, they look pretty solid. Most of the nominees that should have gotten nominated are there, and there are very few glaring errors or omissions. Of course, there were a few surprises, both pleasant and befuddling, but that's all part of the fun. This year, the big news is that they expanded the Best Picture category to TEN nominees... which seems like overkill and a desperate attempt to boost ratings (which it is)... but it's not unprecedented, as they used to have anywhere from 8 to 12 nominees back in the '30s and '40s. Also, 2009 was such a strong year for movies that you could make a case for almost all of the nominees... so that helps.

So, now, let's take a look at the major categories and run through the nominees, followed by my predictions based on what I'm rooting for AND what I think will actually win. Ready? GO!

BEST PICTURE
AVATAR
THE BLIND SIDE
DISTRICT 9
AN EDUCATION
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS
A SERIOUS MAN
UP
UP IN THE AIR

Okay, let's get this clusterfuck out of the way right off the bat. I honestly think that because there are so many nominees, the ones that probably SHOULD win will cancel each other out and the big gun, AVATAR, will walk away with the gold in the end. Personally, I think AVATAR would be better suited for a Special Achievement Award rather than the big prize... but it is such a monumental achievement and a landmark in the history of film that I would not be upset if it wins. Meanwhile, I am utterly thrilled that my #1 movie of the year, the Coen Bros.' A SERIOUS MAN, got recognized... there is no way in hell it will win, but man, that would be awesome. Also nice to see Pixar earn its very first Best Picture nod -- and it's the first animated film to get nominated since BEAUTY AND THE BEAST in 1991! Ironic, though, since I didn't love UP as much as other Pixar films and it wouldn't have been my choice for their first nod. Still, if it wins, I will smile. THE BLIND SIDE is the only real joke here... fine movie, but gimme a goddamn break. DISTRICT 9 is the most pleasant surprise of all the nominees -- I would love to see it pull off an upset. AN EDUCATION was also a fantastic little film but probably gets overshadowed here. THE HURT LOCKER has a ton of momentum and has won slews of other awards, so it is probably the Na'vi's biggest competition. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, PRECIOUS and UP IN THE AIR are all incredible films but, as I said, will likely get in each other's way, leaving the field open for James Cameron's juggernaut.

I'M ROOTING FOR: A Serious Man
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Avatar


BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges, CRAZY HEART
George Clooney, UP IN THE AIR
Colin Firth, A SINGLE MAN
Morgan Freeman, INVICTUS
Jeremy Renner, THE HURT LOCKER

No real surprises here, though I am disappointed that Michael Stuhlbarg from A SERIOUS MAN has been snubbed once again -- he would have been my pick if he was here. A SINGLE MAN, meanwhile, is one of the few major nominees that I haven't seen, so I'll to check that out over the next month. Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela was a stroke of obvious genius, but other than that, INVICTUS sucked, so forget it. Clooney was in ace movie star form in UP IN THE AIR and would not be a bad choice at all. Jeremy Renner was tremendous in THE HURT LOCKER, and could strike gold if the movie dominates. But I think this is the year that Academy will abide, and give the award to the Dude -- not only was Jeff Bridges great in CRAZY HEART, but few actors are more deserving of some major accolades.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Jeff Bridges
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Bridges or Clooney


BEST ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock, THE BLIND SIDE
Helen Mirren, THE LAST STATION
Carey Mulligan, AN EDUCATION
Gabourey Sidibe, PRECIOUS
Meryl Streep, JULIE & JULIA

Pretty much expected to see these ladies here, too. Sandra Bullock was better than usual in THE BLIND SIDE, but again, ain't no way that movie is worthy to be on any of these lists. Helen Mirren was her usual excellent self in THE LAST STATION, and you can never count her out. Likewise for the great Streep, whose performance as Julia Child is one of the year's most enjoyable. Gabby Sidibe was perfect as the tragic, gut-wrenching PRECIOUS, and she may be the most deserving winner. But I'll be rooting for my new lady love, Carey Mulligan -- AN EDUCATION was a great film and she was breathtaking!

I'M ROOTING FOR: Carey Mulligan
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Sidibe or Streep


BEST DIRECTOR
James Cameron, AVATAR
Kathryn Bigelow, THE HURT LOCKER
Quentin Tarantino, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Lee Daniels, PRECIOUS
Jason Reitman, UP IN THE AIR

No surprises once again. I think Lee Daniels is the odd man out in the group... sorry man. Jason Reitman now has two Best Director noms in his young career -- I don't think he'll win here, but it's only a matter of time. BASTERDS is my favorite Tarantino film ever, and I could see him pulling out a win. But I think this award is going to be a battle of the exes. Kathryn Bigelow has already won some major awards and THE HURT LOCKER deserves some recognition, so she may have the edge. (Plus, a woman has never won Best Director... and this is the same Academy that awarded Halle Berry AND Denzel Washington Oscars a few years ago when history was on the line... you see what I'm sayin'.) But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should never, ever bet against James Cameron. And besides, AVATAR was something that no other filmmaker could have fathomed in their wildest dreams... Cameron literally invented new technology and single-handedly changed the way movies can be made... so it would not be undeserved.

I'M ROOTING FOR: James Cameron
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Kathryn Bigelow


BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
THE MESSENGER
A SERIOUS MAN
UP

Pixar always seems to find their way into the Screenplay category, and rightly so -- but I doubt UP will be the first to win, unless by some stroke of craziness, it pulls off a sweep. THE MESSENGER is a puzzling choice -- fine movie, interesting subject matter, but mostly unmemorable. I am THRILED THRILLED THRILLED that the Coens' devastatingly hilarious (or hilariously devastating?) story is being recognized, and it should absolutely win -- buuuut it won't. No, it'll come down to whether or not the Academy wants to award a gritty, realistic story about the current war... or an over-the-top, fictionalized story about a past one. Could go either way, but I'd put my money on the Nazi hunters over the bomb squad.

I'M ROOTING FOR: A Serious Man
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Inglourious Basterds


BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
DISTRICT 9
AN EDUCATION
IN THE LOOP
PRECIOUS
UP IN THE AIR

Totally awesome that DISTRICT 9 got nominated, and that is ABSOLUTELY my choice! Most likely won't win, but it would be amazing if it did. IN THE LOOP is another great choice -- just watched that movie on DVD a few days ago and loved it. PRECIOUS was an excellent adaptation, but probably too much of a downer. I think it'll come down to AN EDUCATION and UP IN THE AIR... with the gold going to the latter, mainly because it is so damn timely.

I'M ROOTING FOR: District 9
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Up in the Air


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Damon, INVICTUS
Woody Harrelson, THE MESSENGER
Christopher Plummer, THE LAST STATION
Stanley Tucci, THE LOVELY BONES
Christoph Waltz, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

First of all, Matt Damon's nomination is bullshit, as he was grossly miscast as a South African rugby player and more distracting than anything else. THE MESSENGER was an actor's film, and Woody was very good, but nah. Christopher Plummer was tremendous as Tolstoy in THE LAST STATION, and as with Mirren, you can't count out the golden oldies. I love that Stanley Tucci got recognized -- he was so creepy in the grossly underrated THE LOVELY BONES and would easily be my pick... if Christoph Waltz hadn't given the single greatest performance of the year as the diabolical Jew hunter in BASTERDS. This should be the biggest no-brainer of the night.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Christoph Waltz
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Christoph Waltz


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Penélope Cruz, NINE
Vera Farmiga, UP IN THE AIR
Maggie Gyllenhaal, CRAZY HEART
Anna Kendrick, UP IN THE AIR
Mo'Nique, PRECIOUS

Pretty underwhelming list here. Penelope Cruz was the best (and hottest) part of NINE, but the movie was shite. Anna Kendrick was solid in UP IN THE AIR, and Vera Farmiga was even better -- not to mention arguably the single hottest on-screen presence of the year. I have never been a big fan of Maggie G. and her jowels. In the end, Mo'Nique is going to win this easily, and if they ever showed us the vote count, I bet it wouldn't even be close.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Mo'Nique
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Mo'Nique


BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
James Horner, AVATAR
Alexandra Desplat, FANTASTIC MR. FOX
Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders, THE HURT LOCKER
Hans Zimmer, SHERLOCK HOLMES
Michael Giacchino, UP

I do not remember the scores for THE HURT LOCKER and SHERLOCK HOLMES, which obviously means that they were not very good. On the other hand, Desplat perfectly captured the offbeat Wes Anderson-ness of FANTASTIC MR. FOX, and James Horner's AVATAR score was appropriately epic. But the only one of these scores to actually get stuck in my head (not once, but twice) was UP... and I'm willing to bet that the Academy will agree.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Up
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Up


BEST ORIGINAL SONG
"Almost There," THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
"Down in New Orleans," THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
"Loin de Paname," PARIS 36
"Take It All," NINE
"The Weary Kind," CRAZY HEART

This is by far the most boring Best Song list in recent memory. Uhhh... well, I loved THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG and it had some very good songs, but damned if I can remember how they go right now. Forget about anything having to do with NINE (except for "Be Italian," which isn't eligible since it's not original). I've never seen PARIS 36... but it doesn't matter, because the song from CRAZY HEART is winning this. Incidentally, as much as I loved AVATAR, I am very glad that the crappy closing credits song didn't get nominated. Way to show some restraint, Academy!

I'M ROOTING FOR: "The Weary Kind"
WILL PROBABLY WIN: "The Weary Kind"


BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
AVATAR
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
THE WHITE RIBBON

First of all, can I just say that it is awesome that HARRY POTTER 6 got nominated here! Has an HP film ever gotten a major Oscar nomination? It was definitely the darkest and most interesting-looking installment, so I can't argue with it. I haven't seen THE WHITE RIBBON, so I cannot comment on that -- though I hope to rectify that soon. THE HURT LOCKER and INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS were both intricately shot.... but let's face it, no movie this year looked better than AVATAR, and I don't want to hear any crap about how it shouldn't count because of all the CGI.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Avatar
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Avatar


BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
AVATAR
DISTRICT 9
STAR TREK

Man, wouldn't it be something if a movie with the relatively tiny budget pulled off an upset over two super-expensive behemoths? It'd be quite a story, and DISTRICT 9 definitely had some Oscar-worthy effects... but sorry, David... Goliath is going to win this round. There's no way AVATAR doesn't win this... and rightly so, seeing as how it was a milestone in the history of visual effects, following in the footsteps of such landmarks as STAR WARS, TERMINATOR 2 and JURASSIC PARK.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Avatar
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Avatar


BEST EDITING
AVATAR
DISTRICT 9
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS

Tough call in this category, as pretty much every nominee has as good a shot as any other -- they are all superbly, and in some cases intricately, crafted. AVATAR may have been long as hell, but Cameron knows exactly what needs to be done to a movie to push people's buttons, and he succeeded once again, to the tune of $2 billion worldwide and counting. DISTRICT 9 is a fast-paced wonder, seamlessly shifting from documentary to narrative style. THE HURT LOCKER is wound tight and the tension can literally explode at any moment. BASTERDS manipulates not only visuals, but language to tell its story. And PRECIOUS's fantasies vs. her harsh realities are jarring indeed. In the end... I dunno... I'll be pulling for DISTRICT 9 just because, and I think BASTERDS will walk away with it. Or THE HURT LOCKER. Or AVATAR. (Probably not PRECIOUS, but then again, who knows?)

I'M ROOTING FOR: District 9
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Inglourious Basterds


BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AJAMI (Israel)
EL SECRETO DE SUS OJOS (Argentina)
THE MILK OF SORROW (Peru)
UN PROPHETE (France)
THE WHITE RIBBON (Germany)

*sigh*... my uncultured ass hasn't seen any of these nominees. I hope to see THE WHITE RIBBON as soon as possible, and if any others are released between now and March 7th, I'll do what I can. But, um, RIBBON won the Golden Globe, so I'll go along with that for now.

I'M ROOTING FOR: The White Ribbon
WILL PROBABLY WIN: The White Ribbon


BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BURMA VJ
THE COVE
FOOD, INC.
THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA
WHICH WAY HOME

Ooh, ooh, I actually saw two of these! FOOD, INC. was another disturbing doc about how we're all gonna die from E. coli poisoning... but frankly, it was kind of "meh." I have not seen BURMA, MOST DANGEROUS and WHICH WAY, but I am willing to bet that none of them are as good and riveting as THE COVE, an incredible story of a heroic group that attempts to stop Japanese poachers from killing poor, innocent dolphins. Seriously, it's awesome, and should win!

I'M ROOTING FOR: The Cove
WILL PROBABLY WIN: The Cove


BEST ANIMATED FILM
CORALINE
FANTASTIC MR. FOX
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
THE SECRET OF KELLS
UP

Ummmmmmm... excuse me, but what in the holy hell is THE SECRET OF KELLS?!?!? Not only have I not seen this movie, but I've never even HEARD of it!!! Some research reveals that it's a hand-drawn Irish film set in the 9th century, from the makers of THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE. That was a great film... so who knows? Supposedly this movie will be released in March, but not sure if it'll be before or after the Oscars. This is by far the biggest shocker nominee of the whole shebang, so I can't wait to see it. As for the others... they all deserve to be there. THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG marked Disney's triumphant return to traditional animation, which makes me unspeakably happy. FANTASTIC MR. FOX revealed that stop-motion animation may actually be the ideal format for Wes Anderson -- it was a perfect marriage of filmmaking styles. CORALINE was very good and surprisingly dark. But I think this award belongs to UP, for two reasons: (1) It's really, really good and Pixar is a godlike entity, and (2) How can it NOT be the best animated movie if it IS one of the ten finalists for best movie of ANY kind? If it doesn't win this award, it would create some kind of crazy paradox that would tear a hole in the space-time continuum and destroy the universe... or, at least, make the Academy look like a bunch of doofuses.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Up (or Mr. Fox)
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Up


BEST MAKEUP
IL DIVO
STAR TREK
THE YOUNG VICTORIA

Man, only three nominees, including one that I never heard of? Is this a sign of CGI being used more than traditional makeup these days? Perhaps. I'd never heard of IL DIVO before yesterday, but it's about Italy's prime minister between 1972 and 1992... so, um, I'm guessing they used aging technology? Boooo-ring! I remember the costume design THE YOUNG VICTORIA more than makeup, quite frankly. I think STAR TREK is the clear winner here... goddamn Spock's ears looked real!

I'M ROOTING FOR: Star Trek
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Star Trek


BEST COSTUME DESIGN
BRIGHT STAR
COCO BEFORE CHANEL
THE IMAGINARUIUM OF DR. PARNASSUS
NINE
THE YOUNG VICTORIA

Another category with a nominee that I've never heard of... dammit, Academy, you're making me look bad! No matter, though... whatever BRIGHT STAR is, it probably doesn't stand a chance. DR. PARNASSUS was a flawed movie, but the costumes were as wild and crazy as the plot. THE YOUNG VICTORIA proves that if you make a British period piece, you are pretty much guaranteed a Best Costume nod. COCO BEFORE CHANEL looked good, which is to be expected, since that's pretty much what the movie is about. And while NINE was a bad movie, it DID feature Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson and Nicole Kidman in ridiculously hot outfits... and while it may not win, if that's not worth rooting for, I don't know what is.

I'M ROOTING FOR: Nine
WILL PROBABLY WIN: Parnassus, Coco or Victoria... flip a three-sided coin


I also look forward to seeing the Oscar-nominated Animated and Live Action Short Films as soon as they start showing them at the IFC Center in NYC, so I'll have some educated opinions about those, as well. Oscar Night is Sunday, March 7th, and you'd better believe that I will be right here providing my 5th ANNUAL MOMENT-BY-MOMENT OSCAR COMMENTARY! I assure you that it will be epic and informative and wildly entertaining... so be sure to follow along as you watch the big show. And feel free to share your thoughts. opinions & predictions on the nominees starting right.............................. NOW!