What’s in the Box?? It’s Ryan Reynolds in BURIED!

Of all the movies I've seen so far in 2010 (and there have been a lot of them -- 96, to be exact, and it isn't even October yet), none have brought me to the edge of my seat more than BURIED, an incredible film by little-known Spanish director Rodrigo Cortes, starring a man who was previously best known for having killer abs and being Mr. Scarlett Johansson: Ryan Reynolds.

Now, I have to admit, when I first heard of this film, I was skeptical.  How much could they really do with Ryan Reynolds trapped in a box for 90 minutes?  The answer is... well, quite a lot.  The most amazing thing about this movie is that it never cheats.  It advertises Ryan Reynolds trapped in a box, and that is exactly what it gives us.  No cutaways to government agents trying to track him down, or flashbacks to happy times with his happy.  We are trapped in that goddamn box for the duration, and the result is quite possibly the most claustrophobic movie ever made, featuring some of the most creative and intricate camerawork I have ever seen.

Reynolds, whose acting chops had never really been tested until now, plays Paul Conroy, an American contractor working in Iraq, who wakes up trapped in what appears to be a simple wooden coffin buried somewhere under the desert.  After an initial freakout, he surveys the situation and finds that he has been left with a working cell phone, a lighter, a pen, and several other trinkets.  He tries desperately to contact both his wife and U.S. authorities but is given the runaround as if he was trying to switch from Time Warner to FIOS.  He hears from his captor, who demands an insane $5 million ransom.  Other twists and turns abound -- some crazy, some infuriating, some hopeful, all of which add to the ever-building tension.  And it all occurs in this tiny confined area, with extreme close-ups of Conroy's blood, sweat and dirt-stained face, using amazing macro photography on the tiniest details.  As his race against time continues, the tension mounts... and as Conroy struggles to breathe, so do we.

Simply put, this is the performance of Ryan Reynolds' career.  I've always liked the guy in such films as VAN WILDER, WAITING..., and ADVENTURELAND, but this is the first truly meaty role of his career.  I mean, aside from some voices on the other end of the cell phone, this is basically a one-man show and he knocks it out of the park.  Absolutely riveting stuff.  His only real co-star is the camera itself.  What Rodrigo Cortes has done here is truly remarkable.  The camera moves in ways I never would have imagined, using bizarre angles and perspectives to make the most of every precious inch of that coffin.  Yet at the same time, it never feels like more than it is:  It's a fucking coffin.  It's tiny, Reynolds is trapped and cramped and suffocating, with sand seeping through the cracks like some kind horrific hourglass -- which, in a way, is exactly what it is.

Obviously the movie is loaded with all sorts of socio-political commentary, but really it's about one thing:  One man's desperate attempt to survive a seemingly impossible situation.  It's a fascinating film -- one that will, if you're like me, leave you on the edge of your seat and on the verge of a goddamn panic attack by the time things come to a jaw-dropping conclusion.  We are in the midst of an unprecedented month of September, loaded with tremendous films of all kinds... and BURIED is among the very best and a must-see on the big screen.

My First Big-Screen Quadruple Feature

Believe it or not, after all these years of being a crazy moviegoer, I had never seen four movies on the big screen in a single day.  Tons of double-features and plenty of triples... but the quadruple had always managed to elude me, for whatever reason.  That is, until Friday, August 20th, 2010, when the stars and showtimes were properly aligned, and I found myself at the movies all freakin’ day.  And even more remarkable than the milestone itself... all four of the movies were actually good!  It was one of the all-time great movie-watching days, and now I will take you through the experience, one movie at a time....

Thanks to the glory of 1:00 summer Fridays at work, I was able to easily make the 1:45 showing of the THE SWITCH at the AMC Empire, and it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.  It's a romantic comedy that follows the standard romantic comedy format -- but the plot is refreshingly original, the dialogue is snappy and the cast is truly outstanding, including Jason Bateman, Jeff Goldblum (who once again proves that he needs to be in more movies), Juliette Lewis and Patrick Wilson (the perfect Baxter).  The kid is hilarious, and even Old Lady Aniston is better than usual.  Funny, poignant, edgy and all-around entertaining -- probably the best traditional romantic comedy of the year so far.

Afterward, I grabbed some lunch and then went right back into the Empire for the 4:40 show of one of my most anticipated movies of the summer: PIRANHA 3D!  I opted to see it in ETX format, which stands for "Enhanced Theatre Experience." This basically means that it’s better than HD, but not quite IMAX, highlighted by a larger-than-average screen that literally stretches from the floor to ceiling, so it sufficiently fills your field of vision.  Crisp picture and booming sound, too.  Definitely a better choice than the fake IMAX screen at the Empire (though a far cry from the true IMAX Experience at Lincoln Square)... and a buck cheaper, too.

Anyway... PIRANHA 3D... yeah, it is pretty awesome.  From the opening scene with a very Matt Hooper-esque Richard Dreyfuss... to the non-stop cacophony of bouncing boobs and jiggling butts... to Eli Roth emceeing a wet t-shirt contest... to Elisabeth Shue as a kick-ass sheriff... to the naked underwater girl-on-girl ballet... to a truly geektastic cameo from Christopher Lloyd... to the grand climax featuring a solid 30 minutes of some of the craziest, unbridled bloody carnage I've seen in a movie since CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST... this movie is insane fun in every sense of the word and 3D technology at its absolute finest!  It’s interesting that for the first hour, pretty much all the blood & gore is CGI... but in the big climax, it’s all old-school blood, guts & gristle, which makes for quite a contrast.  Best death:  When the wire snaps and slices diagonally across a girl's body, undoing her bikini top and revealing a perfect breast -- only to have her upper torso slowly detach itself from the rest of the body and fall into the lake.  BRILLIANT.  Tremendous effort by Alexander Aja, who has already proven his horror chops with HAUTE TENSION (a perfect movie until the last five minutes) and the excellent 2006 remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Good stuff!

After that, I switched gears a bit and headed up to Lincoln Plaza for the 7:05 showing of A FILM UNFINISHED, a documentary that uncovers the truth behind the unfinished Nazi propaganda films of the Warsaw Ghetto. If you’ve ever seen a documentary about the Holocaust, you know the footage I’m talking about -- it has been used as a reliable historical document for decades, and many of the images are instantly recognizable. However, a few years ago, a long-lost reel was discovered that revealed the full extent to which the footage was intricately staged by the Nazis -- it’s basically an outtake reel containing alternate takes and a far more authentic, unedited look at the atrocities of the Ghetto. The Nazis’ true intent was apparently to show the world that there were plenty of well-off Jews who didn’t have it so bad and were indifferent to the plights of others, to the point where they would ignore beggars in the street and enjoy fine dining.  But the outtakes prove that all of this was intricately manipulated -- scenes of well-dressed Jews sitting down for dinner were staged from multiple angles, with looks of fear evident on the “actors” faces. Crazy shit. The footage is shown in its entirety and juxtaposed with scenes of actual Holocaust survivors watching it in an empty theatre and reflecting on their memories. As fascinating as it is horrifying, this is an important film and a must-see.

So yeah, that was kind of a bummer. But undaunted, I headed a few blocks north to Loews Lincoln Square and snagged two tix for the 10:05 showing of SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD! I met up with my lovely lady friend, Rachel, got pizza from our favorite pizza place on 68th, washed it down with frozen yogurt & coffee from a Frozen Yogurt & Coffee Truck we came across, and prepared ourselves for what we hoped would be two hours of pure, unadulterated epic awesomeness. And that’s exactly what we got -- SCOTT PILGRIM is another gigantic triumph for Edgar Wright, whose genius cannot be denied. It’s a geek’s paradise, loaded with video game references, non-sequiturs and ringer t-shirts, and bursting with some of the most creative visuals we’ll see all year. It’s also arguably Michael Cera’s best performance ever.  Now, I’ve made no secret that his lack of range has been annoying me for a while.  He’s basically been playing the George Michael Bluth role in every movie he’s ever made. But while Scott Pilgrim is still very much a Cera character, he is far more nuanced, more aggressive and confident in his own awesomeness... plus he kicks ass and rocks. Instead of being an awkward teenager who has trouble talking to girls, which is Cera’s forte, Scott Pilgrim is a slightly-less-awkward twenty-something who has success with girls in spite of himself.  It’s like the culmination of all of Cera’s performances to date and I can't imagine anyone else in the role (though now would be a perfect  point for him to go and do something COMPLETELY different next time, so we’ll see how that goes). Fantastic supporting cast, too -- Mary Elizabeth Winstead is indeed dreamy and ultra-cool as Ramona Flowers, while you gotta wonder if maybe Scott would be better off with sweet, loyal, excitable Knives Chau. And the League of Evil Exes is unquestionably one of the great ideas in the history of great ideas -- each one is awesome, hilarious and well-developed (personal favorite: Brandon Routh and his vegan superpowers. Also, anybody else recognize the actress that plays Roxy Richter? I didn’t, but my girlfriend did. Hint: she’s worked with Michael Cera before!) and the fight scenes are outstanding and really make me want to bust out of my old Super NES and play some Street Fighter II. I don’t usually put much stock in box office performance, but honestly, the fact that this movie is turning out to be a flop is definitive proof that the general public has shit for brains. Suffice to say that I am very much in lesbians with SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD and I can’t wait to revisit it many more times on Blu-Ray!

Well, folks, there you have it.  At around 12:15 a.m., I exited the theatre and headed home with four fresh ticket stubs in my pocket. My longest-ever day of movie-watching was complete.  I guess the next step is to see FIVE movies in a single day.  Difficult, yes... but not impossible.  We'll see what happens someday when I have a full day off and am feelings particularly cinematic!

The Day I Met Doc Gooden

Back when I was a boy, I used to collect baseball cards, and as such, I used to attend lots of baseball card shows.  The mid-‘80s to ‘90s were the golden age of the baseball card industry and these shows were a big deal.  When I lived in Bayside, Queens, they would have baseball card extravaganzas at the Adria Motor Inn.  And later, in South Plainfield, NJ, they would take over the Middlesex Mall once a month.  These shows were like walking through baseball card heaven, and God only knows how much money I (and my dad) spent amassing my very extensive collection.

Oftentimes at these events, they would have baseball players on hand to meet & greet with fans and sign autographs. Aside from having many tens of thousands of cards, I put together quite a collection of signatures and photos, ranging from no-names like Hensley Meulens, to personal favorites like David Cone, to legends like Mickey Mantle.  I enjoyed meeting these players with a childlike sense of wonder -- but being a kid, I’m not sure I fully appreciated the experiences at the time.

It’s different nowadays, though. In my adult life, I’ve been fortunate to attend lots of movie premieres and things of that sort, which has allowed me to hobnob with movie stars like Bruce Willis and Paul Rudd -- and every single time, I find myself completely star-struck and reveling in the glory of the occasion.

But still... as much as I love movies, and as awesome as it is to meet movie stars on the red carpet... there’s nothing quite like meeting a real, live baseball player.  Especially one that you once idolized.  And so, tonight, when I met the legendary DWIGHT GOODEN, it was easily one of the biggest highlights on my surprisingly long list of my celebrity encounters.

How did this happen, you ask?  Well, we can thank the power of social networking.  Last night on Twitter, someone retweeted an announcement that Doc would be appearing at a place called Last Licks, a shop that sells -- wait for it -- ice cream AND sports collectibles (genius!) on the Upper East Side.  All you had to do was buy an item for him to sign and you were good to go -- the actual autograph was free.  So I went... and he was there... and it ruled.  It wasn’t like the baseball card shows of yore where there were huge lines and they rushed you in and out as quickly as possible.  This was a smaller, more intimate setting, and the crowd was not very large, so we actually got a few minutes to sit and chat.

I had a pretty fun conversation with Dwight Gooden, who, along with Darryl Strawberry and Gary Carter, was one of my favorite Mets of the ‘80s (and, indeed, of all time).  When it was my turn, I shook his hand and handed him a ball to sign. First I congratulated him on his induction into the Mets Hall of Fame this past Sunday.  I told him that I was there and that it was awesome to see him & the others on the field.  He thanked me and said that it was fun to be there.  I added that by the end of the game, we were kind of hoping that they’d give him a uniform.  (The Mets were crushed 14-1 by the lowly Diamondbacks.)  Doc laughed and agreed that it was a rough one.

I then went on to tell him that the first Mets game I ever attended was one that he pitched. The date was August 20, 1985, when I was 8 years old. Doc went the distance and shut out the Giants 3-0 and struck out SIXTEEN.  Shea was rocking with every pitch, the K Corner was working overtime, and that was pretty much the moment I began bleeding orange & blue.  Doc seemed impressed by the story and said that he actually remembered the game, which I thought was pretty damn cool.

Finally, I asked if I could get a picture with him, and he graciously agreed.  Here is the result:

 
Cool.

Look, I know Doc has had his problems over the years, and his career could have been so much more.  Who even knows if he has completely cleaned up his act yet.  All I know for sure is that on this night, at this baseball card shop, he was a class act, completely gracious and humble and a nice guy.  And this battle-hardened Mets fan was awestruck because, for God’s sake... it was DWIGHT GOODEN! Doctor K! One of the biggest sports figures NYC (and thus, the world) has ever known! The man!

The other funny thing is, I actually met Gooden once before, in 1987 or so, at (you guessed it) a baseball card show.  I got an autographed ball and shook his hand, and I may even have a photo somewhere of us shaking hands.  So now I have two Dwight Gooden baseballs -- one from the height of his career, and one a few days after his Mets Hall of Fame induction.  How poetic!

(P.S. Someday, perhaps over a drink or three, be sure to get me to tell the story (or sing the song) about the day I met Lenny Dykstra.  THAT one’s a doozy....)

July Movie Jubilee

I hate to sound like a broken record, but damn, this has been a shitty summer for movies.  Crap movies have outnumbered great ones and mediocre ones have outnumbered everything.  Damn shame.  Fortunately, it’s been a great summer in pretty much every other aspect of life -- and it looks to get even better in 10 days when I make my triumphant return to LAS VEGAS!  But first, let’s take a look at the dozen or so movies I’ve seen in the past month...

I AM LOVE -- I admit it: Tilda Swinton kind of freaks me out. She looks like walking death and if I saw her ghostly form approaching me in the middle of the night I’d probably shit myself. However, that she is a fine actress cannot be denied. And did you know that she is also fluent in several languages? Well, she is, and this talent is on display in this tragic melodrama from Italian filmmaker Luca Guadagnino. With its themes of family dysfunction and the power of love, I found the story to be compelling enough, but I guess I’m just not a fan of this guy’s style. Too many lingering close-ups of pretty objects and flowers (not to mention Tilda’s nipples), and the proceedings just drag like hell. Swinton is pretty fantastic, though, and slow as things are for the first 90 minutes, some climactic twists will eventually perk you up. If you’re jonesing for some art house fare, you could do worse than this. Great musical score, too, from composer John Adams.

WINTER'S BONE -- Excellent noir-ish mystery about a young girl who attempts to track down her deadbeat father and prevent the foreclosure of her house before she, her young siblings and their mentally ill mother are forced out into the wilds of the Ozarks. Along the way she encounters a series of bizarre characters and attempts to unravel a web of deception, double-talk and threats to herself and family.  The lovely and talented Jennifer Lawrence plays Ree with mix of sadness and battle-worn determination -- she’s a girl who is forced to do too much, too soon.  Probably the best female performance I’ve seen so far this year, and hopefully one that the Academy will remember in a few months. But even if they don’t, geeks everywhere will surely be fawning over Jennifer after she plays Mystique in next year’s X-MEN: FIRST CLASS... nice.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT -- A heartwarming 21st century romantic comedy about a family with two moms whose lives are turned upside when the kids decide to track down their biological father. Hijinks ensue, love is put to the test and everyone gets a lesson on what it means to be “la famiglia,” as my own family likes to say. Julianne Moore and Annette Bening are a pretty convincing lesbian couple, while Mia Wasikowska and Josh Hutcherson (better known, respectively, as Alice from Burton’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND and the kid from BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA and LITTLE MANHATTAN) are fantastic as their curious kids. But it’s my boy Mark Ruffalo who really steals the show as the easygoing sperm donor they seek -- he’s so cool and charming, it’s almost hard to decide who to root for when melodrama sets in.  Mark Ruffalo has been one of my favorite actors for a long time -- hopefully this performance, along with being cast as the new Bruce Banner in THE AVENGERS, will help take his already-excellent career to the next level!

PREDATORS -- It’s a little-known fact about me, but I LOVE the original PREDATOR. It’s one of my favorite ‘80s action movies, and in fact, I recently bought the super-special edition Blu-Ray and enjoyed reveling in its awesomeness all over again. It’s just one of those movies that was perfect for its time and place. The sequel was “meh,” and the Alien vs. Predator films were abominations, but when I heard about this standalone reboot, produced by Guillermo del Toro and starring some fine actors, including my boy Adrian Brody, my interest was piqued.  Unfortunately, it didn’t get the job done. It just wasn’t BIG enough. When you call your movie “PREDATORS” with an S at the end, I assume that it is going to be filled with balls-to-the-wall Predator madness. I mean, at this point, we know what a Predator looks like. We know what their deal is. We don’t need to go through the whole song and dance again. What this movie needed was more Predators and a LOT more action.  Instead, it had a few decent moments, but in the end it was just... kinda boring.

THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE -- I remember when the first PIRATES of THE CARRIBEAN movie came out and I had no doubt in my mind that it would suck. Then I saw it, and was stunned that it not only didn’t suck, but it was kind of awesome. Granted, THE HAUNTED MANSION was crap, and God forbid they ever make a SPACE MOUNTAIN movie... but for some reason I had a good feeling about this adaptation of the classic Mickey Mouse sketch from FANTASIA. Turns out that my feeling was correct, as this movie was solid entertainment. It was good that they didn’t take things seriously at all and just had fun with the whole thing.  Would have liked to have seen Nic Cage play it a bit crazier, but it was still fun to see him chew the scenery. Jay Baruchel was fine, though I still think he’s better suited to supporting roles. And yes, the scene with the brooms was there -- it can’t compare to the source material (one of the quintessential Mickey Mouse moments), but it still brought a smile to my face.

INCEPTION -- I honestly can’t write too much about this movie yet, because I have only seen it once and I still have way too many unanswered questions.  I’ll hopefully get to see it a second time soon -- not so much because I WANT to, but because I feel like I HAVE to.  It’s not so much confusing as it is incredibly dense and so full of intricacies that it’s impossible to piece everything together after one viewing.  That said, I still think that we’re all over-thinking the whole thing and the easiest solution is probably the correct one (highlight the following invisible text for a SPOILER: The top falls, dammit!) But this is without question a must-see. Christopher Nolan is a master craftsman, the plot is truly mind-bending, Leonardo DiCaprio is at the top of his game, the supporting cast is outstanding and the haunting score is arguably Hans Zimmer’s best since GLADIATOR. Definitely one of the best all-around movies of the summer, second only to TOY STORY 3.

DINNERS FOR SCHMUCKS – This movie is going to hold a special place in my heart because I attended the NYC premiere at the Ziegfeld and had a close encounter with my ultimate man-crush, Paul Rudd -- by that I mean, I inadvertently leapt out from behind a pillar and took his picture, momentarily blinding him with my camera flash... oops... but hey, the picture came out great!  Memorable experience, yes... but sadly, the movie wasn’t that good. Funny in the moment, but I’ve already forgotten most of what I laughed at.  Definitely a far cry from AUSTIN POWERS and MEET THE PARENTS, as far as director Jay Roach is concerned.  That being said, it is worth Netflixing someday, especially if you love Steve Carell, Paul Rudd and Zack Galifianakis (as I do) and require a fix of their combined awesomeness.

SALT -- A funny thing happened when I saw this movie... I actually liked it!  In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it's the most fun popcorn flick so far this summer... and frankly, it couldn't have come at a better time for Angelina Jolie.  By my estimation, it's been at least five years since her last halfway decent movie (MR. & MRS. SMITH... and even that was only really good because you knew that she and Brad Pitt were gettin' it on behind the scenes), and she was in danger of becoming completely irrelevant as anything other than tabloid fodder.  But clearly, there's a little life left in those luscious lips of hers!  Angelina kicks some serious ass as Evelyn Salt, a CIA agent who may or may not be a Russian spy.  The movie teeters on the edge of the ridiculous, but the action never lets up for a second so you never really notice -- and damned if it doesn't make you feel just a little nostalgia for the good old days of the Cold War, which was so much more fun than this whole Middle East debacle.  (I'll take ROCKY IV over THE HURT LOCKER any day!)

DESPICABLE ME -- Moderately entertaining animated fare starring the voice of Steve Carell as Dru, a bumbling supervillain who engages in a battle of wits with a younger rival, bosses around a bunch of wacky little minions and adopts three little girls as part of his master plan.  Nothing terribly special about the movie... but certainly nothing terrible about it, either. I’m glad I got to see it for free (thank you, AMC MovieWatcher program), though, because if I had paid $17 to see this movie in 3D, I would have been pissed.  There was absolutely NO reason for it to be in 3D, as it adds NOTHING to the experience. It provided no discernable visual depth and didn’t even use any cheesy gimmicks to wow the kiddies. When used properly (as in AVATAR and TOY STORY 3, the two best examples of the technology thus far), 3D can be an awesome tool –- but for the most part these days, it is overkill and a massive waste of money –- and this movie is a prime example of the latter.

LIFE DURING WARTIME -- Here we have the latest from Todd Solondz, the very thought of which is enough to send a chill down my spine.  It's a sequel to HAPPINESS, one of the most disturbing movies I've ever seen -- a twisted ode to family dysfunction, pedophilia and self-loathing -- set ten years later, with different actors portraying the same characters.  The result is an absolute triumph for Solondz -- dark, poignant, chilling and, yes, hilarious, with brightly-colored backdrops that serve to heighten the misery.  If HAPPINESS took us on an insane, over-the-top journey through some of the most fucked-up situations imaginable, LIFE DURING WARTIME shows us the consequences of those situations and grounds them in a harsh reality.  The characters remain haunted by their past and left to fend for themselves in an uncertain future.  The cast is truly outstanding, including Shirley Henderson (whose voice is instantly recognizable as that of Moaning Myrtle from the HARRY POTTER series), Allison Janney, Ally Sheedy, Paul Reubens and Charlotte Rampling (still sexy at 64!).  But best of all is another one of my favorite actors, the great Ciaran Hinds.  He portrays Bill, the pedophile dad, now released from jail after ten years, a broken man in search of an absolution that he knows he doesn’t deserve and will likely never find. “This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no fooling around,” indeed....

GET LOW -- Part true story, part folk tale about an eccentric hermit, Felix Bush, who decides to throw his own funeral party while he’s still alive. The plan is for everyone in town to come and tell stories about him (and enter a contest to win his land)... but as the layers are peeled back and more details of Felix’s life are revealed, we learn that this is really the story of an old man seeking redemption and forgiveness for his trespasses. It’s a feel-good film -- almost Capra-esque in an odd sort of way -- anchored by the best performance I’ve seen in any movie so far this year: Robert Duvall is pretty much assured of his sixth Oscar nomination, and as of this moment, he’s my favorite for his second win.  Bill Murray is also fantastic as struggling funeral director who gets caught up in Felix’s crazy scheme, and Sissy Spacek reminds us how good she can be as a woman who once played a part in Felix’s checkered past. My only problem with this movie is that it sort of plays like a swan song to Robert Duvall’s storied career -- but let’s hope that ol’ Tom Hagen still has lots of great performances left in him!

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED -- Look, I’ve seen enough thrillers, good and bad, to know that characters HAVE to do stupid, infuriating things from time to time, or else there wouldn’t be a movie. But goddamn... this little British yarn takes that stupidity to a ridiculous level. It’s about two guys who kidnap a girl and hold her for ransom. But people and things are not what they seem and twists and turns abound. The writer/director, J Blakeson, clearly has a gift for pacing and building tension, because I found myself on the edge of my seat a number of times -- unfortunately, it was often because I was so fucking furious with the decisions that the characters were making onscreen. Ah well. Fine performances, though, from all three players -- particularly the lovely Gemma Arterton, whom you might recognize from such films as QUANTUM OF SOLACE and the recent CLASH OF THE TITANS remake. She’s good... and pretty.

Coming soon: THE OTHER GUYS! SCOTT PILGRIM! THE EXPENDABLES! And, oh yeah... live reports from VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!

Wow, THE KARATE KID Remake ISN’T a Travesty!

Believe me, no one is more surprised about this than I am.

Anyone who knows me knows that my favorite movies as a kid were STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI. But it’s a lesser-known fact that my favorite non-Star Wars film was none other than the original KARATE KID.  There was a period of my young life during which I would rent THE KARATE KID (along with whatever classic “Best of the WWF” volumes I hadn’t seen yet… but I digress) from the video store every week. I memorized the movie inside and out and to this day keep it on a pedestal that few movies will ever reach.

So needless to say, when I heard that they were encroaching on sacred ground and making a full-fledged remake, I was pissed. When I heard that it would star Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, I scoffed. And when I heard that it would be called THE KARATE KID even though it’s about kung fu instead of karate, I denounced its existence to anyone who would listen, became certain that it was a disaster waiting to happen and vowed to never watch it under any circumstances.

Well, guess what: My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I saw THE KARATE KID remake the other night. And wouldn’t you know it… not only is it NOT a travesty, but it’s actually not half bad. I still think it’s completely pointless and unnecessary, as it’s practically a shot-by-shot remake of the original, following the exact same story arc, hitting the same plot points and even borrowing many of the same visuals and exact lines of dialogue. But rather than seeming like a cheap rehash, it’s made with devout, almost slavish respect for the source material, and it works surprisingly well.

It helps that Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan work well together as fish-out-of-water Dre and maintenance man/kung fu master Mr. Han. Granted, Jaden isn’t nearly as “2010-cool” as Ralph Macchio was “1984-cool,” if you follow my meaning, and Chan doesn’t inspire anywhere near the sense of awe that Morita did… but they’re a believable pair. I also found Dre’s relationship with Meiying, his cute Chinese love interest, to be sufficiently heartwarming (though you just can’t beat Elisabeth Shue) and the bad kung fu kids, while nowhere near as awesome as the Cobra Kai, definitely gave Dre bigger beatings than Daniel ever endured. The training sequences plodded a bit (in fact, the whole movie, at 2 1/2 hours, was way too long), but the final tournament was intense and the audience got WAY into it, clapping and cheering Dre along. In the end, I left the theatre entertained and impressed.

But rest assured, the remake will never replace the original, and I really hope that any parents who have taken their kids to see it will follow it up with the original as soon as possible. The biggest problem with the remake is that there isn’t really a single iconic moment and absolutely no memorable dialogue. People have been quoting, “Wax on, wax off” for years… but I guarantee that no one is going to remember, “Put on jacket, take off jacket” a month from now. Dre & Mr. Han training on top of the Great Wall of China is a cool visual, but it’s nothing like Daniel practicing the Crane Kick in the sunset. The remake is enjoyable and even thrilling at times, but it contains absolutely nothing that will stand the test of time in the way that the original has done for over 25 years.

Should they have bothered to make THE KARATE KID, version 2010? Probably not. And they certainly shouldn’t have called it THE KARATE KID, which is just retarded. But is it worth seeing? I think so, just once, for the sake of completion. Enjoy it in the moment, and then go home and watch the original and cheer for Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi all over again and forget the remake exists. BANZAI!!!

June Movie Hijinks

Well, the summer of 2010 is chugging right along and I have been seeing movies at a record-setting pace. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a whole lot worth writing about, as this has been one of the most underwhelming summer movie crops that I can remember (with a few exceptions, most notably TOY STORY 3, which I fully intend to write about as soon as I can get my emotions under control). There have also been lots of fun distractions, lazy vacations, an exciting Mets team, the World Cup and etc. But that’s no excuse, dammit, so let’s pick up where we left off at the end of May and see what there is to see...

SPLICE -- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the sci-fi camp classic of the year! This bat-shit insane cautionary tale about genetic engineering gone wrong is, in itself, the mutant love child of a variety of films ranging from FRANKENSTEIN to THE FLY to JURASSIC PARK to SPECIES. It wears its influences on its sleeve but never feels like a rip-off thanks to some fine acting, great effects, intense visuals, crazy twists, and a heavy dose of awesome ridiculousness. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are perfect as Clive and Elsa, hotshot scientists who defy legal and ethical boundaries by splicing together human and animal DNA to create a new organism. The female creature, which they name "Dren" ("Nerd" backwards, get it?) rapidly develops from a deformed (and strangely cute) infant to a full-grown (and strangely sexy) adult. Over time, ever-curious Dren bonds with both of her creators -- in a daughterly way with Elsa and, um, something else with Clive -- and needless to say, dangerous hijinks ensue. It’s one of those movies that gets more and more insane as it goes on… slowly at first and finally exploding into a veritable cacophony of insanity in the final act. Easily one of the best slices of sci-fi horror in recent memory and one that will stick with me for a long time. Dren rules! (SIDE NOTE: I actually won a contest on Twitter that awarded me a SPLICE prize pack, which included a stuffed Baby Dren doll! Hilarious, yes… but a life-size adult Dren would’ve been even better....)

THE COMPLETE METROPOLIS -- I managed to catch a screening of this, the grandfather of all sci-fi epics, on the last day of its limited run at the Film Forum, and I'm glad I did, as it was an incredible movie watching experience. Arguably the most famous and influential product of the silent era, it's one of those classic films that you know without even knowing that you know it, thanks to its iconic visuals and far-reaching influence (STAR WARS, BLADE RUNNER, THE MATRIX… the list goes on). The restoration was unbelievable -- it was hard to believe that I was watching an 80-year-old movie, it looked so good. I believe it will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray later this year, and I strongly urge everyone to watch it at that time!

THE A-TEAM -- I never really watched THE A-TEAM back in the day, so I can't really tell you how well this works as an adaptation... but I CAN tell you that it definitely works as a big, loud, mindless summer popcorn flick. The action is fast & furious, the explosions are plentiful and the cast is impeccable. Liam Neeson is epically badass as the cigar chomping Hannibal, DISTRICT 9's Sharlto Copley proves that he isn't a one-hit wonder as the crazed Murdock, and Bradley Cooper gets the job done as the smooth-talking Face. The weakest link, sorry to say, is “Rampage” Jackson as B.A. Baracus -- honestly, if they were going to make him a poor imitation of Mr. T, they should've just gotten Mr. T and used some de-aging technology. It's okay, though. This is like the TRANSFORMERS of 2010... only not nearly as close to my heart... and ultimately forgettable... but lots of fun in the moment.

SHREK FOREVER AFTER -- At first, I wasn't going to see this fourth and (please, God) final installment of the SHREK saga because I knew there was no way in hell it would be good. But then I figured, what the hell, why stop now. So I saw it... and it did indeed suck... and now we can close the book on this whole overblown, overrated saga. It's such a sad testament to society that these completely forgettable movies have made SO MUCH money over the years (SHREK 2 is actually the 5th-highest grossing movie of ALL TIME on the unadjusted list, which just boggles the mind), but what can ya do. I’ll actually give them a little credit for trying to mix things up a bit with the whole IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE/"What if Shrek had never been born" plot twist... but still... this is a stinker. Extremely weak use of 3-D, too. The film's only real saving grace is that fat Puss-in-Boots looks exactly like my late cat Peaches. (See?) R.I.P., Peaches... and good riddance, Shrek!

JONAH HEX -- I guess for every comic book adaptation as awesome as IRON MAN, there's gotta be one as terrible as this woefully misguided piece of trash. I'd actually go as far as to say that this may be one of the absolute WORST comic book movies to date, delving dangerously close to BATMAN & ROBIN territory. It’s a complete mess from top to bottom -- senseless plot, horrendous dialogue and bad acting across the board. I'll tip my cap to Josh Brolin, who tries his damnedest to make the best of a bad situation, whereas John Malkovich just phones it in (not that I can blame him). It could also mark the end of Megan Fox's already-tenuous career -- she is really, really bad, to the point where even her ample, constantly-glistening cleavage can't distract you from how bad she is. It's a true debacle of a film with half-baked plot points that serve little purpose -- so, Jonah can talk to the dead... big f'ing deal! Plus, his deformities are more distracting than anything else, too -- he could’ve looked like a regular guy and it’d be no different. Stuff like that. Make no mistake, my friends: JONAH HEX currently resides at the very bottom of my list of 2010 movies -- if there's a worse movie still to come, I hope I manage to avoid it!

CYRUS -- I discovered Jay & Mark Duplass and their “mumblecore” cohorts (including the lovely & talented Greta Gerwig) about a year and a half ago and was quite taken with their low-budget, off-the-cuff takes on interpersonal relationships in films like THE PUFFY CHAIR, BAGHEAD, HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS and HUMPDAY. Their latest film takes that laid-back style, fuses it with a bigger budget and big-name stars, and turns it into something even better. Fantastic film about a sad sack (John C. Reilly) who finally finds love (Marisa Tomei), only to be cock-blocked at every turn by her needy, troubled 21-year-old son (Jonah Hill). Everyone here is at the top of their games. Reilly can do no wrong, Hill gives his most nuanced performance, and Tomei continues this remarkable rebirth to her career and brings out the George Costanza in me once again. It’s an interesting mix of wackiness, dark comedy and grown-up drama, anchored by incredible performances and the Duplasses’ offbeat sensibilities. I very much look forward to seeing how their careers progress from here!

KNIGHT & DAY -- I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like Tom Cruise. I'm a Tom Cruise fan. I think Tom Cruise is a much better actor than he will ever be given credit for, despite the fact that he has been nominated for three Oscars and has been involved in some of the most beloved movies of the past 30 years. Trouble is, of course, he's a damn lunatic in real life, and Scientology is ridiculous, and granted, he hasn't made a great movie in several years (his mind-blowing cameo in TROPIC THUNDER notwithstanding). He needed to do something to remind people of his acting abilities, and KNIGHT & DAY looked promising on the surface -- a light-hearted spy flick satire in which Cruise could sort of riff on his lunatic persona, banter with Cameron Diaz and have some fun, right? Indeed, the movie gets off to a rollicking fun start with a great airplane action sequence. But then... inexplicably, it makes a crucial mistake and starts to take itself SERIOUSLY and becomes a SERIOUS spy thriller and the whole thing falls apart. If it had stayed true to the satire and not become just another Bond rip-off, Cruise might have had a hit on his hands -- instead, it's going to be a flop and the criticism will keep on coming. Ah well... here's hoping the Les Grossman "biopic" fares better!

GROWN UPS -- Fifteen years ago, a movie starring Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider and Chris Farley would have been the greatest movie of all time. Unfortunately, in those fifteen years, Chris Farley died (sadness), Adam Sandler's films have pretty much gotten progressively worse since the awesome trifecta of BILLY MADISON, HAPPY GILMORE and THE WEDDING SINGER (exception: PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, which was more of a Paul Thomas Anderson film than an Adam Sandler film), and the other guys... well, they've just sort of continued to exist in spite of themselves. Now, reuniting to make this movie in 2010, with Kevin James replacing Chris Farley... it's more sad and depressing than anything else. The movie is a gigantic yawn -- pointless, unoriginal and containing no more than three real laughs. Sure, Salma Hayek's cleavage is always a welcome sight... but this is just a travesty of a film, and I really need to seek out some SNL from the early to mid-'90s, when I worshipped the ground that these guys walked on, as a way of purging it from my mind.

Thus ends June. What will July bring (besides my birthday, that is)? We shall see! At the very least, I fully expect Christopher Nolan’s INCEPTION to be awesome... and I’ll probably see TOY STORY 3 a couple more times!

Nyah, Nyah, I Saw TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE Before You Did!

That’s right, Twilight freaks, while you were all at home bouncing off the walls with excitement -- or perhaps waiting in line for the midnight show at the very same theatre -- I was sitting in front of the giant IMAX screen at Loews Lincoln Square watching a free advance screening of ECLIPSE, the third installment in the Twilight Saga.

SQUEEEEEE!

Um, no. But I will say this right off the bat: ECLIPSE is by far the best Twilight film yet. Granted, that's like saying the crap I took today is better than the crap I took the previous two days. (The only difference is that I tend to feel better about myself after taking a crap.) But seriously, the movie IS an improvement over the mind-bogglingly dismal TWILIGHT and NEW MOON. It’s still very, very bad, with horrendous acting, dialogue and plot developments across the board -- but it does have more going for it. For one thing, MORE STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS. I was pleasantly surprised by the addition of some actual CHARACTER DEPTH, particularly amongst the supporting cast). And best of all, there was MORE ACTION, something that was sorely missing from the first two movies, including (this is probably not a SPOILER for most people, but just in case, I will hide this next section -- highlight the invisible text to read) a pretty badass and surprisingly intense climactic battle where we FINALLY get to see vampires and werewolves go at each other in a no-holds-barred, bone-crunching, limb-ripping street fight! Easily the best sequence of the series so far.

As for everyone’s favorite love triangle… well, it’s still happening and lamer than ever. This time, though, the movie is ripe with sexual tension, which the teenyboppers in the audience ate up like candy, and which made me laugh out loud more than a few times. (Dear lord in heaven, just wait for the Tent Scene… HAHAHA! Also, Star Wars fans, you know how we all hated Anakin and Padme romping in the field in ATTACK OF THE CLONES? Well, that looks like the classic beach scene in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY next to Edward & Bella sitting in their field of flowers!) Still plenty of brooding and pining and whining from all sides. Kristen Stewart still sucks the life out of every scene she is in. Robert Pattinson stills sparkles and sleepwalks his way through the proceedings -- has there ever been a more boring heartthrob? As for Taylor Lautner… well, he still sucks, too. He’s got the personality and acting range of a department store mannequin… but with abs to match, which, I suppose, is all he needs as far as most girls (and gay porn fans) are concerned. However, as a character, I think Jacob is the most interesting. He’s got the more relatable angst, the better one-liners and, frankly, the better superpower (I mean, yeah, the Twilight werewolves are ridiculous and an insult to werewolves throughout history… but they’re a heck of a lot better than f’ing sparkly vampires). Makes you wonder how these movies might have been if they’d actually gotten a good actor to portray this depth (and, y’know, if the whole thing wasn’t completely ridiculous).

In the end, if you're a Twilight fan, you will probably love this movie, because it has everything you could possibly want in a Twilight movie -- and as a geek myself (a geek who unconditionally loved the STAR WARS prequels, I might add), I cannot begrudge you that excitement. Enjoy, Twi-hards! And to the rest of us: Don’t worry, two more movies and it’ll all be over!

Also, only five months till HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, whose new trailer buries Twilight in every way possible in two and a half minutes of unbridled awesomeness: